Christmas with divorced parents

studentuk1

As it comes closer to Christmas every year, I'm always left with the decision on who to spend Christmas with (I'm 20). My mother is single and my father has a partner and three daughters (my half-sisters). They live 200 miles apart.

I usually spend Christmas with my mother each year then go to my fathers on boxing day, but am missing out on the seeing my little sisters on Christmas day opening presents etc.

Have said to mum I'd like to spend Christmas day with my sisters this year and she said she's happy to be alone at Christmas (I know she isn't, which makes it hard), even though I suggested she stay with family who have offered.

I'm torn between missing out on my little sisters on Christmas day, or leaving my mum on her own.

WWYD? Who ever said having divorced parents gets easier when you become an adult?

notanewuser

Well, we never do xmas on xmas day, so that means we can have an xmas with DHs family and then another one with ours. 25th December is a spurious date anyway.

Could you spend xmas day with your mother (if it's important to her) and skype your dad's family while they open presents?

balletshoes

how do you know your mum wouldn't be happy on her own on Christmas Day?

I'm probably about the same age as your Mum, I have a hectic Christmas Day with my daughter and extended family every single year, I'm quite looking forward to the future and having a Christmas Day off . I'm not saying I'd like to be alone every year, but your Mum might plan stuff for herself, things she'd like to do, for Christmas Day if you tell her far enough in advance that you'll see her on Boxing Day instead.

studentuk1

notanewuser wrote: »

Well, we never do xmas on xmas day, so that means we can have an xmas with DHs family and then another one with ours. 25th December is a spurious date anyway.

Could you spend xmas day with your mother (if it's important to her) and skype your dad's family while they open presents?

Yup, I'd FaceTime whoever I'm not with on Christmas day, but it's not the same as being there.

balletshoes wrote: »

how do you know your mum wouldn't be happy on her own on Christmas Day?

I'm probably about the same age as your Mum, I have a hectic Christmas Day with my daughter and extended family every single year, I'm quite looking forward to the future and having a Christmas Day off . I'm not saying I'd like to be alone every year, but your Mum might plan stuff for herself, things she'd like to do, for Christmas Day if you tell her far enough in advance that you'll see her on Boxing Day instead.

Knowing her, she's just saying that for my sake and really she doesn't want to be alone on Christmas day. She's never been without either me or older sibling (who is going on holiday for the whole of xmas/new year) on Christmas day.

Brighton_belle

Sometimes caretaking/taking responsibility for someone else's happiness denies them the opportunity to develop their own strengths/opportunities for happiness.
I don't expect your mum relishes being on her own, but she may find that when faced with it, she decides, for example to go volunteer at a hostel on the day or old people's centre and ends up making new friends/meeting new partner or just feels great giving to people more vulnerable than she is.

Sometimes we need the space and the lows in life to discover inner strength to go and get the life we want.

We place too much hype and significance on one day. I think you should go share it with your younger sisters - these are important bonds too that last a lifetime. And big credit to your mum for willingly telling you to go.

studentuk1

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Sometimes caretaking/taking responsibility for someone else's happiness denies them the opportunity to develop their own strengths/opportunities for happiness.
I don't expect your mum relishes being on her own, but she may find that when faced with it, she decides, for example to go volunteer at a hostel on the day or old people's centre and ends up making new friends/meeting new partner or just feels great giving to people more vulnerable than she is.

Sometimes we need the space and the lows in life to discover inner strength to go and get the life we want.

We place too much hype and significance on one day. I think you should go share it with your younger sisters - these are important bonds too that last a lifetime. And big credit to your mum for willingly telling you to go.

Thanks for the reply. I know she's a little lonely, and we are very close, so being on her own at xmas may be a wake-up-call and do her some good.

It'll be hard for me to go through xmas day knowing that she's on her own and maybe lonely, but like you said, there is too much hype and significance placed on a single 24 hour period.

kelpie35

I don't understand why you should feel bad about leaving your mum on Christmas day. You said she had been invited elsewhere so if she is left on her own, it is her choice, not your fault.

I hope you have a lovely time with your siblings.

lostinrates

My sympathies. I'm older, but one of my parents lives with my husband and I the other is by themselves.


Resident parent last year, and this year, is going elsewhere for Christmas and non resident parent is coming here. Even though its all very civil its still not as easy as one feels it should be to be the adult child some times.

How far apart are the two places? DH and I once drove a hundred miles having had Christmas lunch with his family, then had Christmas supper with mine.....would spending christmas eve and the morning/ lunch with the kids be an option then popping to your mother's for the night and Boxing Day?

At some point you might not be around for Christmas wo your mother. She might not want to make plans until you have so that she doesn't make you feel 'pushed' out or committed.

notanewuser

lostinrates wrote: »

My sympathies. I'm older, but one of my parents lives with my husband and I the other is by themselves.


Resident parent last year, and this year, is going elsewhere for Christmas and non resident parent is coming here. Even though its all very civil its still not as easy as one feels it should be to be the adult child some times.

How far apart are the two places? DH and I once drove a hundred miles having had Christmas lunch with his family, then had Christmas supper with mine.....would spending christmas eve and the morning/ lunch with the kids be an option then popping to your mother's for the night and Boxing Day?

At some point you might not be around for Christmas wo your mother. She might not want to make plans until you have so that she doesn't make you feel 'pushed' out or committed.

The op says they are 200 miles apart.

lostinrates

notanewuser wrote: »

The op says they are 200 miles apart.

Ah, apologies, missed that.:o

Well, I think I'd take your mother at her word, spend the day with your sisters.

studentuk1

Yup, around 200 miles apart. Spending 3 hours on the motorway on Christmas day isn't very appealing, plus I like to have a few drinks Christmas eve/day, which I wouldn't be able to do if I was driving.