Am I being too sensitive...

sovilla

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Tiddlywinks

sovilla wrote: »

I don't see what the problem is with me saying the kids are mine. When we first got them they felt abandoned and lonely and we wanted to make a stable environment for them.

I have just been back to your previous thread to see if I had remembered things correctly... the one where you wanted to get your 9 year old to stay with your MIL (who had recently trashed her house because of stress) and FIL who has dementia which you said might be drink related... you wanted to do this to increase the benefits your family could claim... but that was OK because your daughter wanted her own room!

How was that going to give her a 'stable environment'?

Honestly, posters should take a little time to look at some of the OPs other posts.

From the other thread:

sovilla wrote: »

We are actually thinking of getting my eldest daughter to go and live with them (shes having problems of her own and needs her own space) so then my MIL and FIL would get child tax credits and child benefit and more housing benefit. We would lose money but that doesnt matter to us as long as my child is happy.

Here's the thread in full:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4749111

sovilla wrote: »

As for adoption, the eldest has been asking me to adopt her for months, one of her friends at school is adopted so she understands what it means.

How can a 9 year old (who has been through so much upheaval already) really fully understand the implications of being adopted.

Most 9 year olds would want to copy their friends that's part of being a child and wanting to fit in.

Please try to understand that these are children we are talking about and not possessions which can be traded on a whim.

POPPYOSCAR

sovilla wrote: »

No its fine it does get confusing. But I treat them all the same they all get the same love and affection and we are one family, there is no step involved in how we describe each other.

As a step-parent myself I understand how you feel about your step-children.

However, they do still have a mother, no matter how bad a mother she might be and as much as you might want to write her out of your lives(I know that feeling well) it may not be in the best interests of the children, the same would go for a bad father as well.

Of course you should take all steps necessary to protect them but cutting them off from her completely by adoption is not the way to go IMO unless this is something they want when they are older(9 is not an appropriate age).

As for the Facebook photos if it bothers you that much then simply stop putting them on there.

cheepskate_2

Whats your husband saying about all this.......................surely he should want the mother to have pics and see how her children are getting on.

I realize you say that mum does not really want anything to do with the children ATM, but at some time your husband loved this woman and must have thought she did a good job otherwise he would not have had child after child with her.

If mum is a bit off the tracks at the moment, then keeping her involved with the children, however small , is a good thing.

At some point these children will make up their own mind and may go back to her in the future. How much better would it be for THEM to think that she did take an interest in them, than them to think she did not.

Life brings us all different challenges, sometimes people take the wrong road, but it doesn't mean when they find the right road that they should pay for their mistakes for life.

sovilla

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jalestine

Facebk is only a big part of ur life if u want it to be. Cut it out and life still goes on. Teachers are basically told not to use it to avoid any problems re. what pupils see/inadvertently communicating with pupils. It can leave ppl wide open to scrutiny in ways they didn't imagine. Who knows - it could come up in these adoption proceedings, etc. and count against u.

Sounds like u have done a lot for these children. Without u, they may well have ended up in Care and, just going by statistics, that is not a place children flourish - or are even truly safe.

U have come under a lot of criticism on these threads. I think u need to trust that the work u have done in caring for these children will be evidence enough. If u start sounding all 'me, me, me' and possessive, u'll undo the good u have done.

Don't slag off their mother, even tho' it may be tempting. It's hard n frustrating to deal with ppl who stay with violent partners. They can be absolutely impervious. She has had her children removed, yet she doesn't leave him; therefore no one will be able to get thru to her. She will have to come round to the truth in her own time.

U will be judged by the things U have done and the way U have reacted, irrespective of what others around u have done. U can already see that in ppl's responses in this thread. Ppl do not think ur motives r sincere; therefore u need to continue to care for the children but not demand 'recognition'. That may seem unfair, but others -esp. the children- will give u this recognition themselves in their own time. They won't thank u if they feel u have fought to remove their (bio)mother completely from their lives.

Take care

Person_one

sovilla wrote: »

She wants to be a brain surgeon, what 9 year old tells you that. And I have no doubt that she can be whatever she wants to be.

Honestly? Loads. That's quite a popular response at that age.

spamalot

Where is your husband in all this? So far all we've heard is 'my and I'.

I agree with cheapskate, at one point your husband loved this women and had four children with her over a number of years. He must have thought her a reasonable mother to keep having kids with her.

So you made a mistake in considering farming the eldest daughter out to the inlaws for money, so maybe everyone makes mistake right? Their mother has made mistakes but it doesn't give you the right to cut her out of their lives for good. Saying that the 9 year old wants to be adopted and therefore it is ok to do that it ludicrous, she is not mature enough to make that sort of decision, which is why she needs parents to consider her best interests, not just take on board what fits in with their viewpoint.

I know I sound like I'm having a go but you don't seem to be taking on board any advice or alternative viewpoints offered here.

sovilla

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Lunar_Eclipse

sovilla wrote: »

I don't see what the problem is with me saying the kids are mine. When we first got them

What we need is assurance that if anything happened to my husband the children would still get to reside with me and not get lost I'm the system.

I don't think you can really get the assurance you desire, because if something did happen to your husband (or your marriage), then the children's best interests will be decided upon at that time. All you can do is focus on the present.

It could just be semantics, but since you've said that you don't understand why people are questioning you saying 'the kids are mine', your choice of words above 'when we first got them' is something I might say about getting new bikes or possibly animals such as rabbits, but not children. It does come across as very possessive of something (& thus controlling), but as I said, it could just be down to interpretation.