Am I being too sensitive...

itsanne

From the perspective of someone not in the situation of involvement with step children, two observations.

First, a simple solution - don't post pictures of the children on facebook. Don't angst about the whys and wherefores, just don't do it.

Second, and I anticipate flak for this, I disagree with the argument that the children are not the poster's children. Yes they have a birth mother too, but caring for the children full time over that timescale makes them hers too. I think it would be an artificial constraint for her not to consider the children hers, and it is in the children's best interest for her to think of them in this way rather than going through the motions of simply looking after their physical wellbeing.

Ducks for cover . . .

shegirl

After having read your other threads (wanting to send the 'disturbed' oldest to live with ill grandparents,suffering from the probable onset of Alzheimer's and stress, so they could get more benefits and be able to provide for themselves better?!?!?!?Then saying she needs her own space as the other kids are always asking her to do things-stop them!) I would honestly reconsider your newfound quest for adoption.

I also note how you like to continuously use the word 'my' every time you mention one of the kids.It comes across as very possessive with your overuse and I wonder if you are actually coping with all of this as you say you are or whether you are actually going the wrong way.

Like it or not,they are her children.If what you have said about her is true then she has made some awful mistakes.But they are her children and they should be aware of that.

I'm also amazed at how the kids age..a month ago the youngest were 4 and 1.Now 4 and 3

tyllwyd

I don't know either party so this is just my impression from reading this thread.

I know the OP has said that the mum seems to be avoiding contact, but I wondered if she is finding it difficult to initiate contact, and posting the photos on facebook is her way of feeling connected to her children. Maybe rather than taking down and hiding all the pictures of the children from the mother, the OP's father might be writing letters updating her on how they are getting on, and sending photos directly to her. That way rather than both sides feeling they have to sneak around and hide from each other, you could start a more open relationship.

Lunar_Eclipse

I'm not going to get side tracked with the details, except to say that I'm pleased you appear to be offering a stable and loving home for the children in question.

Regarding your question, I don't think you are being overly sensitive, but a bit unfair and illogical. Firstly, regardless of background and your feelings towards the children (& their mother), they are her children and your step children.

Personally, I would follow your husband's advice. I wouldn't approach their mother because I can't see how it could possibly help, but could make things a lot worse. (Is she really going to take photos of her children down because you ask her to?)

Lunar_Eclipse

sovilla wrote: »

She may have given birth to them but she has never been a mother. I would die for those kids, they are mine.

I really don't think it's healthy to think like that. They are not yours. But no-one belongings to anyone for that matter.

Lunar_Eclipse

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Yeah - that's the way to go... Up the ante...

Why are you so possessive?

The children should be the primary concern... You seem to see them as trophies or possessions... Not good.

^^^ this.

What makes you think the mother is going to agree to adoption?

I'm not sure it's worth your time and energy.

And yes, now I think you're being so overly sensitive that you can't think straight.:o

jetplane

If you are posting photos of the children on fb and her family are your friends then she can view them through their fb, blocked or not it is amazing what you can find access to. I have family abroad and we use other means to let everyone know how well they are doing. So stop posting if you don't want them used.

If asking her to take the photos down will cause repercussions then what is asking her for permission to adopt going to do? I haven't read your other threads but you really sound too possessive with these children, they are not yours, they are your husbands. Yes you have done everything for them that their mother should and you probably feel pleased that they don't want to see her but they have yet to grow and in years to come they might decide that they want contact.

You need to act in their best interests not yours and that means always leaving the door open for their mother. There may come a time when she leaves this abusive man and wants a relationship with her children. The children can still love you, they can still know that you are their mum and they can still love their birth mother, do not expect them to feel the same resentment as you do.

Ballabriggs

I agree with lunar eclipse, using language like 'they are mine' is very unhealthy and actually says more about your state of mind.

I'm a step mum and I've also been a step child and your step children may actually end up resenting you in the long run if they think that you in any way tried to alienate them from their mother or interfered with their relationship with her, regardless of how you perceive the situation. Remember their viewpoint may be different over time.

You are dangerously close to overstepping the mark. Regardless of what their mother's actions have been in the past, she is still their mother. There are many mothers who are drug addicts or alcoholics who do horrendous things to their kids but with the passing of time they get it together and the kids actively seek out a relationship with their birth mother. What if when the kids grow up they want to see her and have a relationship with her, is this going to make you angry towards them as they are your possession? That's the fastest way to lose them.

I have a friend whose step kids lived with her who went down a similar route as you, she had loads of pictures of the step kids on her desk at work and talked about them as if they were hers. When the eldest hit 13 he wanted to get in contact with his mum and they both reinstated the relationship. they actually got really close to their mum over time, who by then had managed to sort herself out. My friend was heartbroken.

You are obviously a terrific step mum who cares deeply and they are lucky to have you in their life to look after them right now, but don't blurr the boundaries as you will be the one who suffers in the long run.

Adoption is a bad idea in my view and she can easily challenge it. It may also blow up in your face if she can assert that you have prevented her from seeing her children and have actively interfered with the relationship, demonstrating PAS (parental alienation syndrome).

FatVonD

Remove all pictures from facebook and keep it that way.

Regarding asking her to remove them and trying for adoption, I wouldn't say a word, just keep under the radar.

jetplane

#40 ballabriggs is so right just too long too quote.