Girlfriend of Eight Years Left Me - Just Bought A House

kboss2010

If your girlfriend has left you when you've just bought a house then it's clearly not a decision she has taken lightly and I suspect she's been thinking about it for a while. I suspect buying the house was her last-ditch attempt to convince herself it was working (I know a guy who did this recently to one of my friends)

In the nicest possible way I highly doubt that she will change her mind. Her coldness only suggests that she wants a clean break and to move on with her life as quickly as possible.

As hard as it is, you need to focus on you, move on and sort everything out quickly and cleanly. You also need to work on your health issues because, dollars to doughnuts, they'll have been made worse by all the stress.

I've been on both sides of this kind of situation and you have my empathy, it's very hard and draining right now. But you need to focus on you. You can't be in a healthy relationship when you need the other person to be happy, I've been there and it's not a good way to live your life. It also puts a huge pressure on anyone you go out with, being needy is incredibly exhausting for your partner and will make them run. They'll also start to feel more like your mother/carer than your lover.

You also can't ever be "just friends" with someone you're still in love with. A clean break is better for you so you can grieve the relationship and get over her.

Good luck with it all.

kboss2010

C22DTJ wrote: »

Thanks, Kelpie.

Unfortunately, with clarity has come the daunting prospect of dating at 29. I feel like somewhere, Sarah Jessica Parker is penning a column about my life.

It probably begins "The first thing he noticed, was that seemingly all females past the age of 28 are already acquainted with a partner, and/or an arbitrary number of children".

Thanks for the giggle, and for retaining your sense of humour though this but that's not true at all.

I'm one of those few, slightly odd women who would like a long term partner but never want marriage or kids. The very idea makes me go :eek: As a result, I've been called everything from 'weird' to 'gay' to one guy even telling me "no man will ever want you because all men want a wife who will raise their kids and look after them". I've been with my bf for 3 years now.

There's room for all types in this world and you're not destined to end up a lonely old man!

Toto

I would take everything she is saying with a pinch of salt. If I were a betting girl my money would be on that this relationship was probably brewing before you split. I'd guess somewhere between exchange of contracts and her leaving.

I might be wrong of course but I can't think of any other reason why someone would go through with a house purchase when they have decided that a relationship isn't right. I'd have thought that even if she thought the new house would change things she'd have got cold feet when the reality of being tied to someone you don't want to be with hits.

I really do think you have had a lucky escape. I know this is very easy for me to say because I'm not hurting and grieving for a lost relationship, but I do believe that you will get through this and you will be stronger, wiser and open to a new love with someone who deserves you.

This news might really hurt, but it is probably just what you need to stop holding onto hope of a reconciliation and to begin the moving on process.

C22DTJ

Thank you all so much for the replies.

I genuinely believe she only met this guy after she left. She said she met him about a week after and I'm pretty certain she's telling the truth. What I don't doubt, though, is that she was mulling an exit at least a year ago. Not that it makes it any easier to comprehend.

I think it is certainly making it easier to move on, though. I never want to see or speak to her ever again.

ValHaller

C22DTJ wrote: »

Well... through the joys of Facebook I found out tonight that she is with someone else. Met him about 10 days after she left me, took great pleasure in telling me how great he is and how they're sleeping together.

Apparently she was planning her exit almost a year ago, so apparently "it's ok that she's met someone so soon".

To think that just days ago she was sat opposite me smiling, telling me how great it is that we could be friends.

Perhaps not.

Wow this hurts. More than anything I have ever felt.

Her facebook is probably not a healthy place to be right now. You need to be on good enough terms with her to resolve the question of jointly owning a property one way or another.

She must be quite a blddy fool to go ahead with buying a house while already planning her exit. And more of a blddy fool to inject this puerile facebook windup into the situation.

You are well rid - or you will be. Just don't join in facebook retaliation or exacerbate the situation.

C22DTJ

I agree, thank you.

I've closed down my facebook account, got the phone numbers of the people who mean the most to me on there.

I'm hoping our chat the other day finalised enough for the house situation to proceed until the 6 month mark when it will go up for sale. Hopefully by then I'll be able to stomach actually talking to her, and even then I shall be keeping communication to a minimum.

ognum

OP I hope everything goes well with you I am sure in a few months you will realise that your ex did the right thing to leave a relationship she was not happy in.

I would like to just give you an anecdote, a few years ago a relative of mine left a relationship just after she and her then partner had bought a house.

It transpired that she had been unhappy for a while and she had felt unable to stop the rolling stone of house buying and was carried along with a situation which to her seemed impossible to leave. They moved in and when the dust settled and three months on she left the relationship and felt very guilty for the situation she had put her ex in.

In the end her ex bought her out of the house, she managed to pay back the money she had been given by parents to help and today they communicate though whether they are friends is debatable.

She is now happily married and so is he. It was painful at the time but they have moved on. I hope you can do the same.

C22DTJ

Sounds very familiar, thank you.

The truth is, I know she wasn't happy in the relationship, perhaps as far back as 4 years ago, and in hindsight, I probably wasn't either deep down.

The problems began very early on, she had led somewhat of a promiscuous life prior to us meeting and lied to me a lot about it when we were first together. It was an uncomfortable time, she didn't need to tell me about it as it was in her past, but she kind of 'boasted' about it which I think was her way if trying to just be open. I got insecure and paranoid and as we were both blindly infatuated (and young and naive) we kind of built this unhealthy attachment that meant we became almost inseparable. Neither of us ever really went out socially without the other.

It sounds so ludicrous and from the outside, one could be forgiven for wondering why neither party left much earlier. The reality was that we suppressed the negatives and dismissed the underlying problems because we genuinely had a lot of fun, genuinely, I believe, loved each other and also supported each other through an awful lot.

Obviously now I can see just how wrong things were, but I'm afraid that doesn't make me feel much better at this stage, I'm hoping it will in time. The fact she's found someone new already may not be a surprise in principle, but it's still making me feel utterly sick. Interestingly, the guy she met and the new relationship is a result of going back to the social group she had 9 years ago when she led the aforementioned life of sleeping around. She hadn't seen them for almost 8 years. Maybe she just wasn't ready to leave that kinda life.

ognum

C22DTJ wrote: »

Sounds very familiar, thank you.

The truth is, I know she wasn't happy in the relationship, perhaps as far back as 4 years ago, and in hindsight, I probably wasn't either deep down.

The problems began very early on, she had led somewhat of a promiscuous life prior to us meeting and lied to me a lot about it when we were first together. It was an uncomfortable time, she didn't need to tell me about it as it was in her past, but she kind of 'boasted' about it which I think was her way if trying to just be open. I got insecure and paranoid and as we were both blindly infatuated (and young and naive) we kind of built this unhealthy attachment that meant we became almost inseparable. Neither of us ever really went out socially without the other.

It sounds so ludicrous and from the outside, one could be forgiven for wondering why neither party left much earlier. The reality was that we suppressed the negatives and dismissed the underlying problems because we genuinely had a lot of fun, genuinely, I believe, loved each other and also supported each other through an awful lot.

Obviously now I can see just how wrong things were, but I'm afraid that doesn't make me feel much better at this stage, I'm hoping it will in time. The fact she's found someone new already may not be a surprise in principle, but it's still making me feel utterly sick. Interestingly, the guy she met and the new relationship is a result of going back to the social group she had 9 years ago when she led the aforementioned life of sleeping around. She hadn't seen them for almost 8 years. Maybe she just wasn't ready to leave that kinda life.

Or maybe that is her'security blanket' when she is lost and alone. It does sound like she has issues with relationships and her self worth but you were happy for a while and you should reflect on that.

You have lost but you have also learned. There are no perfect relationships IMO we all comprimise in some way but you do not want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you.

Moving on will be difficult but it will happen eventually.

Gigglepig

C22DTJ wrote: »

She said she met him about a week after

Sounds like a rebound relationship - a bit to soon to move on to someone else, so she might be setting herself up for trouble there.

the property muddle, diving right into a new relationship... To me this suggests she was hurt and upset too that the relationship failed - though she isn't dealing with it well at all. If you were truly meaningless and insignificant i don't think she'd be acting out like this.

Anyway I'm not defending her behaviour in any way, just think that beneath the facade she puts on, she is upset too that the relationship broke down. She does not seem indifferent, more like upset/unbalanced - you are not insignificant and this clearly impacted her too.