Husband Problems

ecgirl07

Pinksocks wrote: »

Thanks marisco, he doesn't go out but I put this down to no money. He is still in bed when I get up I have asked for help in the mornings but he refuses. He stays up to the early hours watching TV. He does eat ok. Although he is a hothead he is becoming more difficult and aggressive so it is difficult to talk to him.

It is such a difficult time job wise there are very few jobs about and I don't blame him for this.

He seems wrapped up in his own world, I do wonder if I leave and he has to fend for himself it would be the kick up the backside he needs.

I just don't know what to do, if he is depressed I'd feel awful.

Sounds like depression

First thing he needs to do is sort out his body clock - get up in the morning and sort the kids out and go to bed at a reasonable time. Talk to him about being a house husband and he might find a bit pride in himself for keeping house and looking after his family and enjoy life with the kids. Once he gets a bit of mojo back then he'll have the confidence to get into his business.

But its unlikely to change until he realises he needs to change and that wont be easy if he is suffering from depression...

jellie

Are there any courses he could attend, to help him to get ready to start his own business? They could give him advice on how to go about getting customers and the practicalities of how to run your own business.

Is the equipment he bought being negatively affected by not being used? Is it the same trade he used to do when he was employed, or something totally different?

He might feel that he was a failure by losing his job and is scared to look for work, either employed or self employed, as he doesn't want to fail again.

I'd still tell him to get his bum off the sofa though, and give him a list of the chores he has to do while you're out at work.

itsanne

Pinksocks wrote: »

he even stopped signing on as it was too stressful for him

Regardless of what he says about not being depressed, actions speak louder than words. It's not necessarily the case that your OH won't admit to being depressed, but that he does not recognise it. If he tried to find work for 6 months and invested £10,000 in buying equipment, the later comments about weekends etc sound defensive rather than "real". I think he needs help. If he is unwilling to listen to you, does he have family or friends who could broach the subject?

That is a separate issue to whether or not you should stay with him. The only reason I raise this is because you have questioned it. If your reasons for considering leaving are to do with your relationship overall, that's one thing. If they are basically down to the current situation and it turns out that your OH is suffering depression, that's something else again. Depression can be treated, but it's not a quick fix. Even if you did decide to leave, you might prefer to wait until your OH was in a better frame of mind. Only you can know the answer to that.

None of the above in any way diminishes the strain you are under juggling two jobs, running the household on your own and worrying about money. If your OH is unable even to sign on, there may be some benefit available. (Sorry, but I have to confess ignorance here. There will be other posters much more able to advise if this is even possible.) Assuming you remain with your OH, rather than taking a "you need to work for financial reasons" stance, maybe you could gradually build up things he could do which would help you as a family. Also, it's amazing how little housework it's possible to get away with! It wouldn't immediately end your pressure, but if you could see light at the end of the tunnel it might alleviate it.

If, as you raised the question, you decide to separate, bear in mind that you are already in effect operating as a single parent. Removing the frustration of living with someone who is not only not pulling his weight but causes you to walk on eggshells would make probably make life feel less tense.

I feel that some posters on this board can be very quick to suggest leaving a partner. It can be almost the default action - he's done this so leave him. Ultimately only you know if your relationship is salvageable - or if you want to salvage it.

FBaby

He definitely sounds depressed but not prepared to accept it. For many people, especially men, this is something they see as very shameful, weak. Unfortunately, if he is, the more you will get to him, the more he will feel shameful of his inability to support his family and worse his depression be. It is up to you whether you want to consider this and see whether you can accept it and try to help him, or whether you have enough on your plate at the moment having to be a single working mum.

jetplane

Probably the last thing you need right now is the responsibility of persuading him to see his GP and support him through depression. Whether depressed or not, 12 -18 months is long enough for you to have carried the burden.

I think the poster who suggested womens aid is on the right path because what you need is some support and some way to get your strength back. It will be difficult to make changes in your current mindset.

Maybe he has lost all of his confidence, motivation etc etc but lets make this about you and not him, because until you do how will you be able to move forward? In my opinion telling him to cook and clean, closing the bank account or putting his stuff on ebay all take time and effort on your part and are likely to end in confrontation and you will back down. This is not a criticism, he is verbally aggressive and you are exhausted, so of course you do not want confrontation, your days are hard enough.

Seek out support from friends, family, local services, this forum and http://www.womensaid.org.uk/ is not just for women looking for a refuge or to leave their partner. This situation is draining you physically and emotionally, so don't put off, don't make excuses for him, don't let yourself be an enabler. Buy some vitamins, keep posting on here, make some contacts and build your confidence.

You know you can manage without him because you already are.

Errata

Many people suggesting depression can be no more than that - remote amateur diagnosis by people not in possession of all the facts.
If the OP believes he may be an abusive leech and trashing the lives of her and his kids because he's depressed, then it seems to me the ultimatums can be nothing other than he sees a doctor or changes his ways immediately or he ships out.

itsanne

Errata wrote: »

Many people suggesting depression can be no more than that - remote amateur diagnosis by people not in possession of all the facts.
If the OP believes he may be an abusive leech and trashing the lives of her and his kids because he's depressed, then it seems to me the ultimatums can be nothing other than he sees a doctor or changes his ways immediately or he ships out.

Of course - to both points.

However, as the OP had not considered that aspect in her opening post, it seems an aspect worth raising. It may turn out to be completely irrelevant. We never know the whole story on here.

sacha28

I really feel for you, sounds like a cc of my life about 8 years ago!

I met my ex when I was 16 (he was older) and I was a bit messed up. Initially he had a really good job that paid well but his actions caused him to have to jump before he was pushed. He ran up massive debts while unemployed and ended up going bankrupt. He absolutely refused to get a job as anything was beneath him. At 22 years of age, and him being out of work for over 2 years, I ended up working 3 jobs whilst being expected to keep house. I did my 'normal' nursing job, would finish there at 4pm (7am start), go staright to a pub and pull pints until close then go to a LD care home and do a sleep in (although I rarely slept). On the rare days I was off I would then have to contend with a home that hadn't been cleaned or tidied for days. In the end I point blank refused to do any house work and lived in squalor. I would wash my own clothes, clean my own plates etc but would leave his. This went on for 6 years. In that time he found every excuse under the sun not to get a job and would 'work' weekends plugging in speakers for a local band. For some reason it came as a complete shock to him when I left!!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that everybody has a breaking point and it won't be long until you reach yours. This wasn't the only issue in that relationship, far, far from it, but you will realise that you are worth much more. You will probably be financially better off living with just you and the kids too because his 'self empolyed' baggage won't be hanging around to complicate things either!

Tish_P

I agree with the posters who've said it's ultimatum time. It sounds like you've been as supportive as you can for as long as you can, but if nothing changes you're just postponing the inevitable breakup. An ultimatum gives him a chance to salvage your relationship if that's what he wants.

You'll know the exact details of what you need from him better than we do, but for me it would be along the lines of: this is killing us both, you have to start doing something with your life. I don't much mind what it is, but within the week you must do one of the following:
a. serously seek work, paid or voluntary (voluntary work can be a lifeline, both for helping find paid work and for psychological health in the meantime)
b. take over housework and childcare so you have some free time together.
c. take concrete steps toward really starting the business up, e.g. enrol on a course, place advertisements, do some free work for publicity, or whatever's appropriate to that line of business
e. see a doctor and begin treatment for depression if that's the underlying problem.

If circumstances permit, maybe even take yourself off somewhere for a few days while he makes his decision. That could give you both some perspective. Good luck.

TopQuark

barbiedoll wrote: »

I know that men can be a bit bone idle if they have nothing to do all day.

I find that you have to be specific when asking men to do stuff, it's no good moaning that "nothing gets done", you have to tell them that the washing-up needs doing or the hoovering should be done every day etc.

:mad: I find your post very offensive to both men and women.

Women can be just as bone idle in the same/similar circumstances; it depends on the individual person, not on their gender.

'Men' also do not need to be told that the washing up or hoovering needs doing - most of them have eyes in their heads and are perfectly capable of deducing these most basic of observations themselves. As a woman, I was not born with some sort of 'sixth sense' for domestic chores that I feel obligated to communicate with my OH, lest he be destined to drown is a sea of crumbs, waste paper and dirty plates, !!!!!!!

OP, your OH is taking the pi$$ and it's definitely time you told him so in no uncertain terms, depressed or not. Good luck!