Does it make parents look better' if their child goes to university?

POPPYOSCAR

Dunroamin wrote: »

Any parent is likely to be disappointed if their child misses out on an opportunity, whether that's university, college or an apprenticeship - most parents will also feel guilty about this.

It is something of a comedown to have a child signing on when they were expecting to go to university, although, obviously, not the end of the world.

Why?

It would not make me feel 'guilty'.

Soleil_lune

Interesting responses thank you!

Oh yes indeed my neighbour has been blathering to everyone in the street about how her daughter has 'failed' and now has to sign on the dole, and she made it clear that she has brought embarrassment to her. When I was younger, very few people went to uni, so this is all new to me, but this woman says that she doesn't know how she is going to tell people (peers/family,) that her daughter has 'failed.'

I agree that having a trade or an apprenticeship is just as good, and she should be supporting her daughter, not berating her for failing to make the family look 'middle class!' She would not do well at uni anyway if she only achieved 2 U's and one E, and probably 'was' only applying to appease her bossy mother, Wouldn't surprise me if she didn't flunk her A levels on purpose!

paulineb_2

I would think it a bit odd if a teen wasnt going to college and was then still expected to get good grades, Im assuming if the OP knows the teen didnt go, then the mum will have known as well.

Ive spoken about my experiences before, I went to college at 18, hated the course, had the landlady from hell, did year 1, failed every exam and decided to come home, get a few more qualifications and then go and do my degree, which I passed, 3 years without one resit. I chose the wrong course and it didnt help being away from home and living in miserable accommodation.

My mum was never disappointed in me, she just left me to get on with it, at a later date I went and did two postgrads, but I did them for me, not because my mum would have approved or disapproved, all she ever said to me was, if you dont consider getting a degree, you'll see other people do it and know you could have done it and you might think later, I wish I had. And she was right, but if I hadnt, it wouldnt have been a big deal to her.

Also, so many people end up doing other things totally not related to their degree anyway. Im a fitness instructor, my brother who has a BA in social sciences is a personal trainer, I dont think my mum ever mentions in conversation to friends about either of us having a degree, she'll just say if asked what we do for a living.

Plus, there are so many ways people can study these days, if someone waits until they are 35 or older to go and get a degree, thats up to them, for some people studying at 18 is too young, I certainly felt that was the case for me, whereas my brother went away to uni at 17 and had a great time.

Soleil_lune

troubleinparadise wrote: »

Possibly in a particular person's head it matters...

I have acquaintances who are professionals (law) and they only really mix with other professionals or people who have degree level education.. and to them they cannot see there is another way. Anyone else just doesn't match up, and are really only "tradesmen" - another view on that might be that they are intellectual snobs! :eek:

They find it bizarre that other parents have "let" their children not go to university, and don't acknowledge that the children's successful (employed, happy, financially independent) lives have happened despite the lack of a degree. Their daughter nearly opted out of her medical degree place and they were "devastated" during the time of indecision on her part... (other people might find a life changing event devastating - let's hope they never have to face anything really serious...!) - not surprisingly she did take up her place, but as to whether she ever really had a choice I'm not too sure

I have a family member who was over the moon that his daughter went to university - but she then went on to work in jobs that didn't use her qualification, so in itself it didn't improve her lot... but the parent glossed over that bit, but never missed the opportunity to crow about the fact that she had been to university. Back to intellectual snobbery, I think!

I have friends who have or haven't got degrees, their children have or haven't been to university, and all have been happy and successful in their chosen lives - the only people unhappy are those who are cannot be non-judgmental and accepting of others' choices!

Good post thank you. I like the bit I bolded

paulineb_2

Soleil_lune wrote: »

Interesting responses thank you!

Oh yes indeed my neighbour has been blathering to everyone in the street about how her daughter has 'failed' and now has to sign on the dole, and she made it clear that she has brought embarrassment to her. When I was younger, very few people went to uni, so this is all new to me, but this woman says that she doesn't know how she is going to tell people (peers/family,) that her daughter has 'failed.'

I agree that having a trade or an apprenticeship is just as good, and she should be supporting her daughter, not berating her for failing to make the family look 'middle class!' She would not do well at uni anyway if she only achieved 2 U's and one E, and probably 'was' only applying to appease her bossy mother, Wouldn't surprise me if she didn't flunk her A levels on purpose!

If she did, thats a bit of a daft thing to do. And as I said before I dont think a uni would take someone with one E grade and 2 U's anyway, so really maybe the mum needs to understand that to get into uni, you need a half decent set of results.

Also, JSA isnt the only option, she could retake her A levels or go and do a course in something more interesting to her

I spent the year inbetween leaving college and starting uni signing on and studying, in those days you were allowed to study 12 hours a week or less and still claim benefit and my local college allows people who are on JSA or housing benefit and a few other benefits to do evening courses and one day courses for free, theres lots of things she can do, being on JSA isnt the end of the world.

Person_one

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Why?

It would not make me feel 'guilty'.

If your child had wanted to achieve something, planned for it, and then failed, would you not have a bit of a 'I wonder if I could have helped more or differently" moment

Whether that goal was uni, or anything else?

SmallL

My parents were extremely proud that i had gone to university because my father couldn't afford it when he was my age and my mother didn't have that opportunity (Most people in Thailand dont!).

But i was never made to feel like they would be dissapointed if i didnt, as neither of them did but they are still successful given their hard starts in life. They always instilled a good work ethic in me, regardless of my academic route would have ensured i was successful.

It says a lot about the parents if they felt the only way to be successful was university.

BitterAndTwisted

If this student only attended college half the time then her rubbish exam results patently reflected this. The number of students who can slack off and get A Grades are infinitesimally small and are confined to geniuses, which I doubt this student is. What kind of parent would have such woefully unrealistic expectations under such circumstances? And what did they do when their darling was lying in bed and not doing any work when they should have been slogging their guts out?

The only person who should be suffering shame is the one who slacked off and wasted both her and the college's time. I feel slightly sorry for the mother for living in cloud-cuckoo-land for the last couple of years.

jellyhead

Maybe the parent feels that she could still get into a (not great) university course, and end up with a good degree if she puts the effort in, whereas stopping now with poor A level results puts her at a disadvantage compared to those who have been on apprenticeships or had a job since leaving school.

My son went into the 6th form where he was nagged and had a higher level of supervision. A large group of them have done badly this year, and instead of carrying on to the second year of A levels they have been told to either resit the year or go and do something else. My son is going to college, and most of his friends are resitting the first year, having had a kick up the backside and told to work harder this year.

I wouldn't dream of trying to persuade him into any other course of action, or telling the neighbours I'm disappointed in him. I'm not - he tried, but it wasn't for him. He still wants to go to uni, so perhaps a BTECH will suit him better. Uni is more like the BTECH way or working anyhow, with assessments along the way and you always know how you're doing, rather than bumbling along for years then failing, as you do with A levels.

When I was at uni though, back in the 90's when fewer people went, some of the other students had been forced to go there by parents who couldn't have shown their faces if their child had 'let them down'

POPPYOSCAR

Person_one wrote: »

If your child had wanted to achieve something, planned for it, and then failed, would you not have a bit of a 'I wonder if I could have helped more or differently" moment

Whether that goal was uni, or anything else?

No

You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. As long as you know you have done everything to support them there would be no need to feel guilty.