Does it make parents look better' if their child goes to university?

Soleil_lune

Strange question I know.

My neighbour (several doors down - let's call her Anne,) said a few months back that her daughter was going to uni, and she had been sorting her student finance and had been looking at accommodation etc. I was surprised, as she didn't attend college half the time. Anyway, I digress.

So fastforward to mid August. She got her A level results. She got an E grade and 2 U grades! So she said she is not going to go. Her mother asked her to try and get clearing courses, but she said she wanted to go to a specific uni, or her insurance only. She has since gone to see about signing on to JSA.

Well Anne has gone ballistic, saying her daughter has let her down and made her look stupid in the eyes of her peers and her family. (Anne has 2 older siblings who both have a child at uni - one has now left.) I asked her what difference it makes to anyone or anything that her daughter is now not going, and she said she has embarrassed her, and let her and her father down, and she feels like telling her 2 older siblings that her daughter 'has' gone to uni. (They live 150 to 200 miles away, but still, I am sure they would find out!)

The upshot is, that Anne thinks that it reflects better on you, if your child goes to uni, it makes you look more of a success, and it makes you look like a better person, and gives you a more 'middle class' appearance.

I have never heard anyone say anything like this before.

Does it make the parents look better if their child goes to uni? I am curious. What are peoples views on this?

Bluemeanie_2

I don't think so at all. There's nothing wrong with being proud of your kids of course, but going to Uni is isn't the be all and end all.
Bringing my child up to be a working, kind, well adjusted individual is much more important to me.
It sounds as if the daughter was never really into academics anyway judging by those grades and hardly attending and has been guided into this course by her Mother. I'd much rather my child went to work/apprenticeship etc at 16 than waste those years getting lame A level results.

74jax

One of my daughter's friends is very clever and got several A*'s in her GCSE's a year early. My daughter said that would be fab and her parent's would be so happy for her, so yes I guess from that experience maybe how your child succeeds in life (in anything, not just uni) can reflect on you as a parent - my 15 year certainly seems to think it's something to be proud of.

But that's just our opinion.

Yorkie1

My Mum cried when my brother 'only' got a third from Cambridge (!).

There were expectations on both him and me to go to University and not going would have been unacceptable to them (partly because we had the academic ability to do so).

Appearances were very important to my mum and so while she wouldn't have said things as strongly as those reported by the OP, I'm sure she would have thought some of them.

Disgraceful though. As another poster has said, it's your children's lives and not yours. Far more important that they are happy, and know that they are loved unconditionally.

hgotsparkle

There are a lot of people who go to uni just for the sake of it so it definitely doesn't hold a certain degree of 'class' yet my family don't see it that way.I know (as my mum has told me) that my family commented to her that I'm the only one in the family who didn't attend uni to which my mum replied that if I had gone to uni in the current climate, then I would probably be stacking shelves but has said that shes proud that I went and got myself a job from day 1 of leaving secondary school and working hard ever since to get where I am now. Not many people have got as far as I have without even attending a college, especially in the financial sector. Btw, I'm 23 so if I had gone to uni - I'd have just finished.

TopQuark

Ha! What rubbish! I come from a proud, hard-working, working class family in Birmingham. My cousin and I (who is one year older than me) were the first in our family to go to university (I'm 32 now). I have a BSc., PhD, MBA and earn a 6-figure salary. I'm still working class, as are my parents.

My parents knew little about university, never having being themselves, but they did value education and always encouraged us as kids. I was an academic kid in any case, so I always wanted to go to university from an early age. My sister was not and did not. It's down to the individual in the end and young people should be encouraged to follow their own path into the world of work, not made to feel guilty if uni isn't for them because of their parents snobbery and vanity.

Your neighbour sounds like a vile, stuck-up, judgemental woman.

pukkamum

Unfortunately a lot of parents feel it does, hence the glut of graduates with mickey mouse 'media' degrees, thinking they should be working in an office earning 20k plus.

The reality is that most of these would have been better off getting a trade, but of course that isn't good enough for a lot of middle class parents.

It's about time going to university was about true academia again as opposed to going so you can get leathered for 3 yrs racking up a ton of debt.

paulineb_2

Soleil_lune wrote: »

Strange question I know.

My neighbour (several doors down - let's call her Anne,) said a few months back that her daughter was going to uni, and she had been sorting her student finance and had been looking at accommodation etc. I was surprised, as she didn't attend college half the time. Anyway, I digress.

So fastforward to mid August. She got her A level results. She got an E grade and 2 U grades! So she said she is not going to go. Her mother asked her to try and get clearing courses, but she said she wanted to go to a specific uni, or her insurance only. She has since gone to see about signing on to JSA.

Well Anne has gone ballistic, saying her daughter has let her down and made her look stupid in the eyes of her peers and her family. (Anne has 2 older siblings who both have a child at uni - one has now left.) I asked her what difference it makes to anyone or anything that her daughter is now not going, and she said she has embarrassed her, and let her and her father down, and she feels like telling her 2 older siblings that her daughter 'has' gone to uni. (They live 150 to 200 miles away, but still, I am sure they would find out!)

The upshot is, that Anne thinks that it reflects better on you, if your child goes to uni, it makes you look more of a success, and it makes you look like a better person, and gives you a more 'middle class' appearance.

I have never heard anyone say anything like this before.

Does it make the parents look better if their child goes to uni? I am curious. What are peoples views on this?

Tbh, I wouldnt know the half of what my neighbours were up to, I assume her mother has been telling everyone her daughter got low grades, Id be surprised if she would get into any uni with an E and 2 U's anyway.

I went to uni because I wanted to, not to make my family look more middle class, which it doesnt anyway. My parents went to uni, so did my uncle, my mum and uncle were the first people in my family to do so and they were encouraged to do so because they were talented and they got enough financial support in the form of grants that coming from a working class family, they could do it, unlike my gran and grandpa who were clever but had to leave school early to earn as was expected of them in those days.

I feel sorry for the kid if her mum is broadcasting what shes going to do and then telling people she feels let down.

troubleinparadise

Possibly in a particular person's head it matters...

I have acquaintances who are professionals (law) and they only really mix with other professionals or people who have degree level education.. and to them they cannot see there is another way. Anyone else just doesn't match up, and are really only "tradesmen" - another view on that might be that they are intellectual snobs! :eek:

They find it bizarre that other parents have "let" their children not go to university, and don't acknowledge that the children's successful (employed, happy, financially independent) lives have happened despite the lack of a degree. Their daughter nearly opted out of her medical degree place and they were "devastated" during the time of indecision on her part... (other people might find a life changing event devastating - let's hope they never have to face anything really serious...!) - not surprisingly she did take up her place, but as to whether she ever really had a choice I'm not too sure

I have a family member who was over the moon that his daughter went to university - but she then went on to work in jobs that didn't use her qualification, so in itself it didn't improve her lot... but the parent glossed over that bit, but never missed the opportunity to crow about the fact that she had been to university. Back to intellectual snobbery, I think!

I have friends who have or haven't got degrees, their children have or haven't been to university, and all have been happy and successful in their chosen lives - the only people unhappy are those who are cannot be non-judgmental and accepting of others' choices!

POPPYOSCAR

It is Imo such a shame that some people think like this.

Yes we all want our children to succeed in life but surely for their benefit and not ours?

It is not academic or financial achievement that makes me proud of my children(although I do of course encourage them to do their best) but the kind of person they are.

People who put their children under this kind of pressure are completely selfish and self-centred in my view.

Dunroamin

Any parent is likely to be disappointed if their child misses out on an opportunity, whether that's university, college or an apprenticeship - most parents will also feel guilty about this.

It is something of a comedown to have a child signing on when they were expecting to go to university, although, obviously, not the end of the world.