Newly Ex husband on steriods!

Dimey

I'm sorry to read about this awful situation CNMummy.

I agree with what's been written so far. Your husband has consistently put his steroid drugs before you and your children. He's been doing it so long that he's prepared to give up his family and jeopardise his work. Sounds like his employer won't put up with it much longer.

When your husband loses his job I can see him declining further into his steroid drugs and maybe using other drugs as a crutch after he realises he's completely screwed up his life and damaged his wife & children.

That will be the point he comes running back to you for sympathy. If you take him back again, this current situation will be like a walk in the park by comparison.

Have no sympathy for your husband's tales of woe- that he didn't get to enjoy life before having children. That was his choice and yours. So its a different life. A life that is actually very rewarding, bringing up children and loving each other. Again it's been his choice to throw away what he has accomplished.

I think you should see a solicitor and women's support groups as you need to protect yourself and your children from potential physical and mental abuse if your husband continues on his current erratic path.

You also need to protect your financial situation. When your husband loses his job, he won't be able to pay any maintenance. He'll be a drain on you. Your solicitor needs to protect you and the children.

I hope your children don't see the violent/aggressive side of your husband again. Arrange supervised visits. It could be dangerous if there are no mature adults present and your husband loses his temper with the children.
I think you should be as honest with the children as their little minds & hearts can bear. At least if they understand that their daddy is ill and angry because of steroid pills so needs to live away from home, then they can kind of blame the steroid pills in their minds rather than daddy himself.

Obviously as they get older they'll realise how weak their father was. But sadly, you have experience of that yourself so you can guide them through their emotions when the time comes.

The man you loved and married has to all intents & purposes "died". Grieve for the loss but you only ever saw glimpses of the person you loved. Save your crying and anger for when you are alone.

Your children need a solid reliable loving Mum and it sounds like you are very capable of steering yourself and the children through this crisis.

Don't rage at your husband anymore, nor his silly Mother for encouraging him to be disaffected. Behave with dignity now. Don't do anything that could get you arrested or be bad for you if your husband decides to try for custody of the children. Your children need you.

Be strong and firm with your now ex-husband but polite and dignified. Same when dealing with officials like the council, judge, solicitors, police. If you are emotionally out of control or seem unreliable they are less likely to trust that you are the person the children need.

You might be wise to quietly gather any evidence of your husband's steroid taking and mood swings just in case he denies it in the divorce. You may need the evidence - receipts, pill pots, video whatever.

Focus on making a happy home for you and the children. Surround yourself with responsible adults who have your best interest at heart, not your husband's.

thorsoak

camNolliesMUMMY wrote: »

Well he's just called to speak to our son to say have a good day back At school.
Our son said ok.
His dad said have you got your uniform on? And our son said yes
He told him he'd ring later on, and he said ok bye dad.
And I ended the call.
His dad seemed really down, wonder if anything I said last night actually hit a nerve? But annoyed he'd didn't try harder to keep a conversation?

Don't try and have a conversation with him when he rings - just pass him to the children and when they say "Bye dad" then just hang up. Don't involve him in conversation. It would only be picking over old bones.

camNolliesMUMMY

Yep Did that this morning when he called.
Same when he rings I won't even say hello and Give my son thevphoneon speaker phone. I have caller display on the landline.
Il even go as far to record the conversations.
I was a young parent too at 21. Getting together at 19 I found the real thing and was happy. So going out and getting wrecked was'nt an option when I met him especially when I had my son. It changes your life for the better! And I love my family and I know they are the most important thing in life as well as stability.

camNolliesMUMMY

The drs have told me they will not get social services involved as they feel I'm doing enough security wise for the children and myself but will be contacting a health visitor.

itsanne

camNolliesMUMMY wrote: »

Yep I I'd that this morning when he called.
Same when he rings I won't even say hello and I've my son thevphoneon speaker phone. I have caller display on the landline.
Il even go as far to record the conversations.
I was a young parent too at 21. Getting together at 19 I found the real thing and was happy. So going out and getting wrecked was'nt an option when I met him especially when I had my son. It changes your life for the better! And I love my family and I know they are the most important thing in life as well as stability.

Given your husband's volatility, I agree with using the speaker phone but I don't think you should record the calls. If the phone conversations prove problematic you're in a position to hang up and prevent them.

camNolliesMUMMY

Well he rang last night.
Convo at first was tell mummy to take me off speaker.
I didn't do it an I didn't say anything,
You can come amd stop with daddy soon.
How was your day at school and who us your new teacher?
No matter what people say I love you and don't believe them if they say I don't.
Now why would I say to our son daddy doesn't love you?
I feel he's paranoid! everyone thinks he's done totally the wrong thing and lost respect for him to not try for his relationship.
His mother text me oi told her about her precious blue eyed boy what happened the other day.
She says its upto him what he does with his life? Yeh in a normal circumstance.
Thy are both in denial!!!

sassyblue

camNolliesMUMMY wrote: »

No matter what people say I love you and don't believe them if they say I don't.
Now why would I say to our son daddy doesn't love you?
I feel he's paranoid! everyone thinks he's done totally the wrong thing and lost respect for him to not try for his relationship.
His mother text me oi told her about her precious blue eyed boy what happened the other day.
She says its upto him what he does with his life? Yeh in a normal circumstance.
Thy are both in denial!!!

Ignore them both, start as you mean to go on. Don't rise to his paranoia because no answer you give will be right if he's a druggie.

You're doing well, keep strong xx

Dimey

sassyblue wrote: »

Ignore them both, start as you mean to go on. Don't rise to his paranoia because no answer you give will be right if he's a druggie.

You're doing well, keep strong xx

I agree with this.

Ignore them. The Mother sounds like she has potential to really stir things up so stay clear and don't leak any ammunition for her. Keep your dignity.

Keep notes about what is gong on and being said, for your solicitor. Have you met the solicitor yet?

Have you looked into supervised visits with the children for your husband. There may be a centre you can use nearby. Might be worth asking your GP or social services.

Do you have the support of your parents or sister? If so and you trust them, then they might supervise visits. I would not let your husband use your house as a base for visits, given his volatility and erratic behaviour. Your children and you need to know your home is a safe haven.

Its ominous that your husband is prepared to drag your children into the separation/divorce by asking whether they've been told he doesn't love them. Its clearly not beneath him to use them. That is enlightening and you need to be so careful what you say in front of the children, just in case they innocently repeat things to him. Maybe you should ask your solicitor whether it would be worth the solicitor contacting your husband to ask him to nip that behaviour in the bud, for the sake of the children.

thorsoak

camNolliesMUMMY wrote: »

Well he rang last night.
Convo at first was tell mummy to take me off speaker.
I didn't do it an I didn't say anything,
You can come amd stop with daddy soon.
How was your day at school and who us your new teacher?
No matter what people say I love you and don't believe them if they say I don't.
Now why would I say to our son daddy doesn't love you?
I feel he's paranoid! everyone thinks he's done totally the wrong thing and lost respect for him to not try for his relationship.
His mother text me oi told her about her precious blue eyed boy what happened the other day.
She says its upto him what he does with his life? Yeh in a normal circumstance.
Thy are both in denial!!!

Just don't pin any hopes on any chance that he might try for his relationship!

camNolliesMUMMY

Not much progress!
Yesterday he called me, I answered I bloomin shouldn't of tbh.
Your moving on too quickly, your going out alot, talking to men on line, and I was going to take you back till I saw that pic on your fb! But your looking out to be a right slag!
Ok whatever, I put him right. No I'm not talking to anyone it's the last thing on my mind! The pic is of the actor Tom hardy a private joke between me n my friend.
I told him to grow up I'm getting a life and moving on like he said and I ended the call.