Sons' Dad Being Difficult

Errata

Why not stop fighting like a pack of terriers fighting over a brace of rabbits and let the kids decide? They may make a mistake, but that's how kids learn judgement.

peachyprice

Person_one wrote: »

They didn't tell her after their dad had left though, they told her in a rehearsed way with him supervising.

I think its reasonable (and normal) to want to share the half term 50/50 anyway. The winter term is the longest by far, weekends have homework and so on, it seems fair that they share the nicest bit or she doesn't get any 'holiday' downtime with them until a few days before Christmas

She said they did tell her again when he'd gone. 'daddy isn't forcing us to say' implies they're saying because it's what they want to say.

Perhaps it was done like that because they were frightened to tell her they wanted an extra 3 days with their dad because they knew how she would react. And they would have been right.

She's just had them 4 out of the 6 weeks summer holidays, she has them every afternoon 10 school days out of 10, she has them 2 out of 4 weekend days, and she begrudges them wanting to spend an extra 3 days with their dad?

It's not about her downtime with them, she has years of that, it's about respecting what the children have asked to do. It it really going to be catastrophic for her to spend 3 days less with them when she has the lions' share of their time? Of course it isn't. But trying to be so controlling over where growing boys spend their time is only going to build resentment towards her. But hey, as long as she gets what she wants in the here and now.

FBaby

She said they did tell her again when he'd gone. 'daddy isn't forcing us to say' implies they're saying because it's what they want to say.

When you let it get to this, fighting in front of the kids leaving them distressed and stuck between the two, you are left with playing detective and try to guess what the kids really wanted.

If she had said to them 'daddy mentioned that this year, you have discussed spending the full October week with them rather than half, can you tell me more about it', then they most likely would have told her what they really wanted.

FBaby

I think its reasonable (and normal) to want to share the half term 50/50 anyway. The winter term is the longest by far, weekends have homework and so on, it seems fair that they share the nicest bit or she doesn't get any 'holiday' downtime with them until a few days before Christmas

But it's not as much about her and what she wants any longer. It's about the kids feeling that they can openly speak with both their parents to let them know what they would like, and then discussing the feasibility of it in terms of arrangements. Maybe after discussing it, they would have decided that they did want to share the week, but as it is, they didn't even get there, instead, they are left like so many children of divorced parents putting aside what they would like, anxious to try not to upset either parents. That's not fair.

peachyprice

Person_one wrote: »

I think its reasonable (and normal) to want to share the half term 50/50 anyway.

It isn't normal though, especially if both parents work (although I'm not sure OP does).

There are 13 weeks of school holidays that need to be covered and only a max of 10 weeks work holidays, most parents aren't going to 'waste' a weeks holiday by taking it off the same time as the other parent, that would leave them a week short on childcare.

Most reasonable parents decide which half term and school holiday weeks they're going to take off, not expect each other to take odd days here and there because it suits one parent.

Fosterdog

cakeforbrains wrote: »

The nine year old kept saying 'daddy isn't forcing us to say' but then described himself as feeling like he was 'at a crossroads without a map'.

This bit stands out for me, nine year olds don't talk like that "at a crossroads without a map", unless it's something said to him quite often and he's copying an adult. If he did say it or something very similar then it just goes to show that he wants to spend the time with his dad but doesn't want to upset his mum so doesn't know what to do.

paulineb_2

Paige_Turner wrote: »

The October half term is two weeks in Scotland so it may be a whole week OP is talking about.

Its a week where I live (In Scotland) and always has been.

paulineb_2

The issue isnt about the boys and the holidays, the issue is about the relationship between the OP and her ex, everything else is secondary

If there were positive communication it wouldnt matter so much about the kids wanting to spend more time

But hes waltzing into her house, having a go at her and badmouthing her behind her back

The damage thats being done to the kids and there will be damage done if the parents cant resolve things needs to stop

I have friends who are separating and the father does nothing but badmouth the mother, the kid is two years old, his older and I mean well older kids from his first marriage join in

When it went to court to decide access, he got much reduced access than he wanted, because there were reports put to the court about the effect the negative comments were having on the kids, to the point where the older child doesnt want to see him and isnt being forced to

I have no idea what you and your ex have been through, but I think you need to sit down, with professionals if need be and work a way forward, before you end up with some very hurt children who will take all this strife through to their adult years

And if your ex has married again, the new wife should not be tolerating you and your family being mocked.

Forget who gets an extra day here and there for the moment, the issue is the relationship between you and the ex (and I know its not easy) and how its affecting your kids.

No one deserves to be abused by an ex partner with the kids in earshot, no running jokes about them and to be honest, Im not sure if the access has been decided by a court, but a court would take a very dim view of two children being exposed to their mother and her family being slated every time they visit the father, some kids end up seeing therapists due to the way they get caught in the middle of a divorce.

If you cannot have a conversation with this man without it descending into abuse, make provision for a 3rd party to drop the boys off, the bottom line is, you need to work together to make sure your kids have a decent life and at the moment it seems like they are stuck in the middle of resentment from the dad.

But how you deal with it, is up to you, rather than bashing your head against a brick wall, you try and sort things out so the father is told, the comments stop and if they dont, you'll be seeking legal advice

And if you dont want him in your home, you dont need to let him in.

Mojisola

paulineb wrote: »

The issue isnt about the boys and the holidays, the issue is about the relationship between the OP and her ex, everything else is secondary

If there were positive communication it wouldnt matter so much about the kids wanting to spend more time

But hes waltzing into her house, having a go at her and badmouthing her behind her back

The damage thats being done to the kids and there will be damage done if the parents cant resolve things needs to stop

I have friends who are separating and the father does nothing but badmouth the mother, the kid is two years old, his older and I mean well older kids from his first marriage join in

When it went to court to decide access, he got much reduced access than he wanted, because there were reports put to the court about the effect the negative comments were having on the kids, to the point where the older child doesnt want to see him and isnt being forced to

I have no idea what you and your ex have been through, but I think you need to sit down, with professionals if need be and work a way forward, before you end up with some very hurt children who will take all this strife through to their adult years

And if your ex has married again, the new wife should not be tolerating you and your family being mocked.

Forget who gets an extra day here and there for the moment, the issue is the relationship between you and the ex (and I know its not easy) and how its affecting your kids.

No one deserves to be abused by an ex partner with the kids in earshot, no running jokes about them and to be honest, Im not sure if the access has been decided by a court, but a court would take a very dim view of two children being exposed to their mother and her family being slated every time they visit the father, some kids end up seeing therapists due to the way they get caught in the middle of a divorce.

If you cannot have a conversation with this man without it descending into abuse, make provision for a 3rd party to drop the boys off, the bottom line is, you need to work together to make sure your kids have a decent life and at the moment it seems like they are stuck in the middle of resentment from the dad.

But how you deal with it, is up to you, rather than bashing your head against a brick wall, you try and sort things out so the father is told, the comments stop and if they dont, you'll be seeking legal advice

And if you dont want him in your home, you dont need to let him in.

I would find it very hard to be nice to an ex who was running me down all the time in front of the children. It's going to cause a lot of pain and upset for the children - in one household their mother is constantly being derided and then their father takes them back to be cared for by this awful person!

The fact that his new partner joins in with this says a lot about her as well.

Vicky123

There are few things more hurtful than a father openly mocking and disrespecting a childs mother, it's understandable that the OP would feel reluctant to grant more time, she probably imagines further parental alienation taking place.
I think this issue has to be resolved before anything else, he needs to know it's totally unacceptable and won't be tolerated, when that's been addressed then they can think about contact time being discussed to the benefit of the boys.