Sons' Dad Being Difficult

Person_one

Fosterdog wrote: »

This bit stands out for me, nine year olds don't talk like that "at a crossroads without a map", unless it's something said to him quite often and he's copying an adult. If he did say it or something very similar then it just goes to show that he wants to spend the time with his dad but doesn't want to upset his mum so doesn't know what to do.

I'm not sure it shows that at all.

I agree that its something he's saying because he's heard it from an adult, but I think that just means its going to be very difficult to know how much of what the boys are saying is really coming from them.

The 'daddy isn't forcing us to say' but doesn't sound quite right to me either, why would they come out with that unless one of the adults had brought it up?

FBaby

It sounds like OP and her ex have fallen into the typical trap of feeling under control of the other and therefore thinking it gives them to act selfishly, the ex by mad-mouthing OP and OP by being difficult and uncooperative for no apparent good reasons.

This can escalate so quickly. Ex is frustrated that he feels his time with his sons are dictated by OP despite the wishes of his sons (at least that's how he sees it). He get frustrated and vents by mad-mouthing her, even though deep inside he probably knows that's not appropriate. OP react by controlling what she considers to be fair, even if it upset her boys, because ex doesn't deserve to get what he wants.

Unfortunately, this is all too common behaviour. Doing your best in these circumstances always seems like you are walking on a thin thread. It is so hard to take a step back and see the situation like an outsider would. When do you relent for the best of your kids without it seeming that you are stepping down and for the other to take advantage of it? How do you stand to what is right without seeming to do it just to annoy or control the other and without penalising your children. Who should make the first move in the hope that the other will then make the next?

VitaK

Person_one wrote: »

I'm not sure it shows that at all.

I agree that its something he's saying because he's heard it from an adult, but I think that just means its going to be very difficult to know how much of what the boys are saying is really coming from them.

The 'daddy isn't forcing us to say' but doesn't sound quite right to me either, why would they come out with that unless one of the adults had brought it up?

Lets give the children some credit. Phrases and sayings can be picked up almost anywhere.

If there request was genuine, then it would make sense for them to say that daddy wasn't forcing them.

paulineb_2

FBaby wrote: »

It sounds like OP and her ex have fallen into the typical trap of feeling under control of the other and therefore thinking it gives them to act selfishly, the ex by mad-mouthing OP and OP by being difficult and uncooperative for no apparent good reasons.

This can escalate so quickly. Ex is frustrated that he feels his time with his sons are dictated by OP despite the wishes of his sons (at least that's how he sees it). He get frustrated and vents by mad-mouthing her, even though deep inside he probably knows that's not appropriate. OP react by controlling what she considers to be fair, even if it upset her boys, because ex doesn't deserve to get what he wants.

Unfortunately, this is all too common behaviour. Doing your best in these circumstances always seems like you are walking on a thin thread. It is so hard to take a step back and see the situation like an outsider would. When do you relent for the best of your kids without it seeming that you are stepping down and for the other to take advantage of it? How do you stand to what is right without seeming to do it just to annoy or control the other and without penalising your children. Who should make the first move in the hope that the other will then make the next?

Sometimes theres no meeting in the middle, speaking as I said before from experience with friends where one party is just being horrible and trying to hurt the mother and this man has similar form with his other kids, but I agree with a lot of what you said above

You are adult and if you can sort things out so that the kids dont suffer thats a great thing, even if you cant stand one another, because its them who are going to lose out if this doesnt stop

They matter and if needs be as I said before you take steps so that you dont need to see him and if the abuse doesnt stop, the badmouthing of you, you seek legal advice

Because as far as Im concerned, thats abuse, people might not agree but being horrible about one parent, its just messing these kids heads up, theres no need for it at all, its totally not necessary.

Person_one

VitaK wrote: »

If there request was genuine, then it would make sense for them to say that daddy wasn't forcing them.

Only if there had ever been any suggestion that he might be, surely?

mumps

peachyprice wrote: »

That's quite unusual though isn't it, do you have shorter summer hols?

Most schools, at the moment, follow the same holiday timetable. OP says hers does.

No they don't have shorter summer hols. I think they have the week for training days instead of days dotted through the year, not sure as mine have all left school behind them. I worked with someone who had two children at the school and she said it was great to get a cheaper week away and grab a bit of sun before winter set in. Seemed like a good idea to me.

Rottensocks

I wouldn't be discussing anything above the agreed contact level until the badmouthing stops. Willingly agreeing to more time where a child can be told that 50% of *them* (i.e. their other parent) has no soul, or whatever else, is abuse, and will mess up their heads no end. To avoid having angry hostile teens with issues, their Father needs to stop this behaviour.

I would also make clear that you know he has been saying this to the kids, and that they are upset by it. He needs to know it causes distress. If you get any sort of sensible response, perhaps you could move forwards to discussing a non-CSA maintenance arrangement, then he won't be subject to their financial reviews....

Claire212

Myself and my ex-partner share the week holidays 50/50. It's pretty standard. In fact we do it this way because we both work.

There are after all 52 weeks a year. Normally 39 of them are school weeks. The other 13 are usually holiday weeks. Either way, I know that I certainly do not get a full 6 weeks holiday off work. Most holiday entitlement is calculated in days not weeks anyway.

So, as my ex partner works weekends as well we split the week holidays 50/50 according to what days the other can manage. Meaning that we use the minimum amount of 'holiday days' possible. The 6 weeks holidays are full weeks long or more depending on the holiday arrangements. So it is prefectly reasonable to ask that holidays be split 50/50.

I have to say that I totally agree that the abusive remarks are shocking. However they are intended it is most definately an unhealthy attitude from your ex. Quite how you approach that for the best I do not know. Very delicate.

When we went to mediation to work out shared care, there are/were definitions that describe the care. Quality time is just that. It does not mean the time you spend ushering your child out of bed, telling them to get up/get dressed/go to school/do their homework/make the tea and all the other normal day to day things like shopping. It is classed as time together, either one on one or as a family. Each respective parent needs quality time with their child so that both relationships can be healthy.

In my opinion, to come down on the mother because she will not give up her quality time is wrong, and to accuse them of bad parenting is equally discusting.

It would most definately not be fair to allow one parent to do most of the leg work, providing the house over their head, the food on the table and the clothes on their back, taking them to and from school, tucking them into bed at night and nursing them when they are ill, just for the NRP to come along and take them to Alton Towers for the day, or buy them an X-box game. Or let them stay up all night because tomorrow is not a school day.

Forget that the other parent has to put up with the grumpy child until they catch up on their sleep. This is the part of the so called 'Shared Care' that I feel is so often missed. Normally the non resident parent gets more quality time anyway, as they do not have to take them to the dentist/shopping/getting clothes and uniforms, as the OP says, a large proportion of the holidays is taken up fitting all these things in while you can.

It is hard in these situations and I empathise with you. Feeling as though you are doing all the leg work and they are getting all the glory is disheartening and can make you dig your heels in. But I do not think you are being unreasonable. Splitting the holidays is a normal thing to ask.

Shineyhappy

Hi,

I don't know if you know that the ginger people have no soul is from South Park, the cartoon on tv.

Good luck resolving things.

Rottensocks

Shineyhappy wrote: »

Hi,

I don't know if you know that the ginger people have no soul is from South Park, the cartoon on tv.

Good luck resolving things.

But given the context, is quite obviously being used as a way of alienating the OP's older 2 children from their mother, step father and step sibling......So not a joke at all, as it is quite knowingly used as an insult.