Am I over-reacting?

paulineb_2

butterflyaway wrote: »

I think it's that he can't cope when I'm not my happy self. He is usually caring, loving, generous all the qualities us girls look for in a guy but when things are tough, he just can't handle it and he becomes selfish and insensitive.

Thats not good enough

Id never stay with someone who bailed out on me at a time like this

burnoutbabe

butterflyaway wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies. To the people who asked if we live together - yes we do, we have lived together for 3 years. When I said he seemed to spend more time entertaining others, I was talking about some friends that were staying with us (more his friends than mine really) I told him before he left it wouldn't be right to leave me at a time like this...I guess I wasn't his priority since he still went ahead and left. We have spoke for lengthy periods since and I've tried to explain how I feel. He says he is sorry but I get the impression he still doesn't fully get it.

But I thought you lived with your mum and sisters? so he lives with you as well?

Maybe he wanted to give you all some space to grieve on your own without him?

tea_lover

butterflyaway wrote: »

His Mum was asking why he's not staying longer and asked if it was me who was telling him to come back sooner.

Well doesn't she sound like a charm?! Giving your OH the benefit of the doubt, with these kinds of role models maybe he just doesn't know what to do to support you through this. I hope you two manage to get things sorted when he's back.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I hope you and your family are doing ok.

carefullycautious

Well it's at times like this that you can sort the wheat from the chaff.

I don't care how difficult some people find these situations but to not even stay by your side, even though he does not know how to act ( has he never heard of companiable silence, just being there helps)
Is unforgivable and as for his mother :mad:

victory

butterflyaway wrote: »

I think it's that he can't cope when I'm not my happy self. He is usually caring, loving, generous all the qualities us girls look for in a guy but when things are tough, he just can't handle it and he becomes selfish and insensitive.

The loss you have experienced is beyond pain, you would have needed him, you would have wanted him to stay and help you through everything and instead he chose to go away for 4 weeks and leave you to deal with it alone?

I know you are not married but...in sickness and in health..... when the going gets tough he hops it? What if you were ill? What if you lost your job and had to rely on him for financial support? Relationships and not perfect happy upbeat at all times, they have blips of pain/loss/negatives and they have to be dealt with together, that is the point of being in a relationship.

Can you rely on him to be there for you?

paulineb_2

I was in a fairly long term relationship with someone who couldnt support me through some tough times, not bereavement but hard enough times.

Resentment may start to kick in soon. Im sorry but I think theres no way this guy is caring, lovely etc if he can show you no support and then !!!!!! off for a month when you need him most

You deserve better, Id kick him to the kerb, being on your own would be preferable to being with someone as totally insensitive as that

And he doesnt seem to be getting why you are upset? Words fail me.

Errata

Insensitive people aren't actually insensitive. They're very sensitive to their own needs and wants but couldn't care less about anyone elses.

aileth

Errata wrote: »

Insensitive people aren't actually insensitive. They're very sensitive to their own needs and wants but couldn't care less about anyone elses.

Actually couldn't agree more with this!!!

duchy

butterflyaway wrote: »

I think it's that he can't cope when I'm not my happy self. He is usually caring, loving, generous all the qualities us girls look for in a guy but when things are tough, he just can't handle it and he becomes selfish and insensitive.

Surely that is the difference between a boy and a man ?

OP suppose you stayed with this man and had kids and one of them was ill, or suppose hard times hit in other ways , unemployment, illness and you couldn't be your happy go lucky self.......would you make the same excuse for him that it was your fault for not been your happy go lucky normal self ? Or would you expect him to work with you as a partner to help you get through ?

themull1

I would just tell him you're splitting up with him when he gets back.