Am I over-reacting?

butterflyaway

Hi all,

I'm looking for some advice. My Dad recently passed away very suddenly aged just 49. We were very close and I am completely devastated. He spent 2 weeks on life support before passing and during this period my partner of 4 years seemed to care more about entertaining everyone else and playing on his games console than being a supportive boyfriend. I found myself spending long periods by myself just trying to come to terms with what's happened. When I spoke to him about this, his reply was "It's your choice to isolate yourself." and "You're always moody so I don't want to be around you." Not even 2 days after the funeral he's gone off to visit his family abroad for a month (booked whilst my Dad was in hospital) leaving me feeling like I've been deserted at I time when I needed him the most.

Am I over-reacting? I know people grieve in different ways but I am very surprised by his reaction as he was also close to my Dad.

Person_one

No, you're definitely not overreacting.

Do you want to stay in this relationship? Do you have the mental and physical energy at the moment that it will take to try and sort things out? You've been through an awful lot already and it doesn't seem fair that you now have to deal with this, whatever you decide. How would you describe the relationship before this happened?

I'm very sorry for the loss of your dad.

Poppy9

Sorry for the loss of your father. I think his reaction maybe shock but it's really not okay to go away for a month and leave you. I would have thought his family would be horrified by his abandoment of you so you never know he might see sense and come home.

butterflyaway

Thank you for your replies. As much as I'm hurting, I want to stay with him. Before this, we had a good relationship. He was always very loving and caring so his reaction could well be down to shock or even denial? It was actually his mother who asked him to go and visit. I find it disrespectful that this was even being discussed given the circumstances.

Netwizard

Your not over reacting BUT:

In situations like this, some blokes are useless (I will include myself in this). Its hard to know what to do or say sometimes, as you want to try and help, but also dont want to make it worse or say the wrong thing .

Sometimes people want space, sometimes they want a hug. Its hard to know sometimes what to do / say, so in true male fashion, hes probably thought it best to leave you alone and give you some space. After all, if he had smothered you and tried to be nice all the time, you might of found that tiresome too.

Im not defending his actions to the hilt, merely saying us blokes are crap when dumped in situations like this. I had a similar situation with a friend a while back and whatever I did was wrong. If I gave her some space and left her alone, I was accused of not being there for her, and when I went round with a bunch of flowers and a cuppa to cheer her up, that was no good because she just wanted everything to be normal.

Sometimes, we just need things spelt out to us if we are doing it wrong but he could have made more of an effort, or at least tried

Sorry to hear about your dad xx

persa

butterflyaway wrote: »

Thank you for your replies. As much as I'm hurting, I want to stay with him. Before this, we had a good relationship. He was always very loving and caring so his reaction could well be down to shock or even denial? It was actually his mother who asked him to go and visit. I find it disrespectful that this was even being discussed given the circumstances.

Not trying to condone his behaviour (I think leaving you on your own is not on) but trying to understand. How often does he see his side of the family normally? Is it possible your own loss has prompted him and his mum to appreciate family more, and they're trying to spend more time with each other as a result? If your OH was close to your dad, maybe he wants to grieve away from you, so you don't have to carry him too?

Did you tell him how you felt about him disappearing for a month?

If things were good beforehand, it's possible he's just handled this really badly, as opposed to intentionally making a difficult time for you even worse. Perhaps try to give him the benefit of the doubt, both you and your OH loved your dad, whilst the pain will undoubtedly be worse for you, he must also be grieving. In a weird, selfish way, but a way.

Do you have anyone around looking after you? Friends? Make sure you lean on those close to you, don't wait for your OH to come back, lean on your friends in the meantime. Just tell them what you need - a text saying you'd like to meet up and a) talk about your dad or b) talk about anything but.

Deepest sympathies.

BitterAndTwisted

Two days after the funeral? Sorry, but he sounds like a complete @rse. If someone I was that close to had suffered a bereavement I'd have canceled my plans, no matter how long-standing the arrangement or expensive the ticket.

butterflyaway

I think you are right. He is probably finding it hard to know how to act around me...maybe he thinks everything he does will upset me (I can be very snappy) So that, I can understand. He doesn't see his family very often, maybe twice a year. Leaving for a month 2 days after my Dad's funeral though....I find totally insensitive. He told me earlier on the phone he shouldn't have left so soon after but I don't think he fully realises the effect it's having on me, even though I have tried explaining how I feel.

butterflyaway

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Two days after the funeral? Sorry, but he sounds like a complete @rse. If someone I was that close to had suffered a bereavement I'd have canceled my plans, no matter how long-standing the arrangement or expensive the ticket.

He actually planned and booked it whilst my Dad was still in hospital which I think makes it worse.

BitterAndTwisted

While your Dad was in hospital on life-support? In which case he's a selfish and insensitive pr!ck. OK, so if he can't stick around and give you some support when you've just suffered such a devastating loss like that, when can you rely on him?

heelshoes13

It's better to leave him. Make strong yourself.