Am I over-reacting?

butterflyaway

Indeed actions do speak louder than words and I also told him that. Sometimes I feel as though I'm perhaps over-reacting because I know he's not a bad person and would never mean to hurt me but when I think of his behaviour...it's not how a loving partner would behave in these circumstances. People close to me have said he seems to lack sensitivity and understanding. Certain things I can understand because I know everyone grieves differently and it's difficult to know how to act around others in these circumstances for fear of upsetting them. But certain other things I just can't understand.

HPoirot

Sorry for being blunt again, I do hope you do not take offence, but from what you have described it seems that he is only in it for the good times. Just my opinion from your posts above. Hope you're dealing with the loss of your father, it does take time xx

Mojisola

butterflyaway wrote: »

Indeed actions do speak louder than words and I also told him that. Sometimes I feel as though I'm perhaps over-reacting because I know he's not a bad person and would never mean to hurt me but when I think of his behaviour...it's not how a loving partner would behave in these circumstances. People close to me have said he seems to lack sensitivity and understanding. Certain things I can understand because I know everyone grieves differently and it's difficult to know how to act around others in these circumstances for fear of upsetting them. But certain other things I just can't understand.

Have they said this about things that happened before your father's death?

marisco_2

butterflyaway wrote: »

I found myself spending long periods by myself just trying to come to terms with what's happened. When I spoke to him about this, his reply was "It's your choice to isolate yourself." and "You're always moody so I don't want to be around you."

I am very sorry for the loss of your dad, and I hope you have friends and family around you at this difficult time to offer lots of love and support. I will admit that on occasion I have struggled myself, to know how best to comfort a loved one who is grieving. I have tended to take my cues from them, and either offered a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear, or helped out in more practical ways whilst giving them some time and space. You wont always get it right, but frankly that doesn't matter. Making a concerted effort and trying to be there for someone is what is important and what they will remember.

I am shocked that your partner of 4 years didn't seem to attempt to do this. For him to say the above statements when you approached him, shows a total lack of empathy or any compassion for what you were facing and going through. I am not surprised that you feel let down by him arranging to visit family whilst your dad was in hospital, and that he left just 2 days after the funeral. It is all very well and good him now saying that he realises he may have left too soon and that he is sorry. In my book actions speak louder than words though, and he isn't there supporting you when you need him more than perhaps you ever have. I would seriously be questioning the state of my relationship with someone if they treated me as shabbily as he has treated you.

Mojisola

marisco wrote: »

I will admit that on occasion I have struggled myself, to know how best to offer comfort and support to a loved one who is grieving. I have tended to take my cues from them

It is difficult because what one person would find helpful, someone else would hate.

If it's not clear from cues they give out, I will now say "What would you like me to do/what can I do help/tell me if I'm doing something that's upsetting you."

butterflyaway

Mojisola wrote: »

Have they said this about things that happened before your father's death?

Short answer - yes.

I spoke to my partner this morning and told him I don't wish to speak to him until I can see he truly realises and accepts what he has done has hurt me. His response was "Ok, I accept what I done was wrong." Very immature response.

Mojisola

butterflyaway wrote: »

Short answer - yes.

I spoke to my partner this morning and told him I don't wish to speak to him until I can see he truly realises and accepts what he has done has hurt me. His response was "Ok, I accept what I done was wrong." Very immature response.

In that case, I'll think very carefully about the future.

If you stay together after the way he's behaved while you're grieving, you can't expect him to support you in any other crisis. Can you live with that?

aileth

Sorry OP, but he sounds like a massive !!!!.

butterflyaway

Mojisola wrote: »

In that case, I'll think very carefully about the future.

If you stay together after the way he's behaved while you're grieving, you can't expect him to support you in any other crisis. Can you live with that?

I think it's that he can't cope when I'm not my happy self. He is usually caring, loving, generous all the qualities us girls look for in a guy but when things are tough, he just can't handle it and he becomes selfish and insensitive.

Mojisola

butterflyaway wrote: »

I think it's that he can't cope when I'm not my happy self. He is usually caring, loving, generous all the qualities us girls look for in a guy but when things are tough, he just can't handle it and he becomes selfish and insensitive.

But a longterm relationship is all about being there whatever happens.

My OH has stuck with me despite years of poor health and me not being the active person he married.

If yours would head for the hills every time life wasn't perfect, I wouldn't waste any more time on him.