Am I over-reacting?

burnoutbabe

Just checking but you don't live with him? you live with your family don't you? (mum, sisters and brothers)

Which changes things abit. He could be being an idiot, though he could also be thinking you are grieving with those who are also grieving, rather than on your own, so he is not needed as much.

Also, I'm expecting he's early 20s? So again, really more inconsiderate than evil.

bagpussbear

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad.

I don't think you are over reacting, I think it's quite a selfish and thoughtless thing to do.

It may well be he doesn't handle death very well and thought he would be better to go away, but it sounds like you needed him and to go for such a long time during the time of your dad's death I think is bang out of order.

I know you want to stay with him, in which case you really need to sit down with him again and get it into his skull that what he did was NOT acceptable and this has made you look at the relationship in a different light.

I would be worried that he would be the type of person that the moment there is a crisis, he is off like a rocket. That does not bode well for the future, particularly if you go on to have kids (I'm making an assumption from your post that you don't, forgive me I am wrong!)

To say "you are always moody so I don't want to be around you" is indeed insensitive, almost like you are not entitled to feel moody and and upset around the time of your dad's illness and consequent death.

Like I said it could be that he just doesn't handle death very well, and going off is his coping mechanism, but I think you need to ask yourself whether you want a future with someone that feels its ok to put themselves first even when their partner is the one experiencing the loss and needs them.

mellymoo74

your not overreacting but you say hes usually loving and attentive he may well be upset too.

when my dad died me and my OH when through a reallllly rough patch that lasted 12 months because I couldnt be reached and he couldnt attempt it (he was almost as gutted as me)

cut him some slack, and cut yourself a bundle. the pain never leaves but it gets easier.
*hugs*

TopQuark

Netwizard wrote: »

Your not over reacting BUT:

In situations like this, some blokes are useless (I will include myself in this). Its hard to know what to do or say sometimes, as you want to try and help, but also dont want to make it worse or say the wrong thing .

Sometimes people want space, sometimes they want a hug. Its hard to know sometimes what to do / say, so in true male fashion, hes probably thought it best to leave you alone and give you some space. After all, if he had smothered you and tried to be nice all the time, you might of found that tiresome too.

Im not defending his actions to the hilt, merely saying us blokes are crap when dumped in situations like this. I had a similar situation with a friend a while back and whatever I did was wrong. If I gave her some space and left her alone, I was accused of not being there for her, and when I went round with a bunch of flowers and a cuppa to cheer her up, that was no good because she just wanted everything to be normal.

Sometimes, we just need things spelt out to us if we are doing it wrong but he could have made more of an effort, or at least tried

Sorry to hear about your dad xx

Sorry but this doesn't just apply to men. I'm female and I'd definitely struggle in this situation too. OH's grandad passed away the other year and I was at a loss on how to behave around him. Why is it that women are expected to know what to do and behave appropriately, but men are excused from this because they are men? There are no gender differences when it comes to dealing with grief; we are all just human.

To the OP, I am so very sorry to hear of your sad loss. I would say that your boyfriend is being somewhat insensitive, but perhaps he doesn't know how to help so is 'running away' to his family so to speak. Also, if he thinks you want to be alone, he may be under the impression that he is helping you by giving you some space (his mum could have said something like "why don't you come and visit us for a while and give butterflyaway some time to herself to come to terms with the shock"). So don't jump to any hasty conclusions. You need to talk to him and explain your feelings. If after this he is still behaving in the same way, then you have reason to question his attitude.

Wishing you very best wishes at this sad, sad time,
TQ

aileth

People react in different ways, and how your boyfriend has reacted is terrible to be honest. If this is how he grieves, how is he going to be if you, for example, decided to start a family and suffered a miscarriage or a stillbirth? Losing your parents is one of the most devastating things in life, but losing a child is even worse (to me anyway). I'd be terribly worried about how he would be in that situation.

Vicky123

It might depend on the status of the relationship, if your living together or committed to a serious relationship then I would say he is incredibly selfish and insensitive. If he's just boyfriend, living separately he may feel he's giving space to the family.

Errata

I'm sorry for your loss, it must have been a dreadful shock. As for your OH, I wouldn't treat a dog the way he's behaved towards you.

butterflyaway

Thank you all for your replies. To the people who asked if we live together - yes we do, we have lived together for 3 years. When I said he seemed to spend more time entertaining others, I was talking about some friends that were staying with us (more his friends than mine really) I told him before he left it wouldn't be right to leave me at a time like this...I guess I wasn't his priority since he still went ahead and left. We have spoke for lengthy periods since and I've tried to explain how I feel. He says he is sorry but I get the impression he still doesn't fully get it.

HPoirot

butterflyaway wrote: »

"It's your choice to isolate yourself."
"You're always moody so I don't want to be around you."

Sorry but if he said that while you were grieving then he sounds inconsiderate, insensitive and above all, selfish.

Errata

He says he is sorry but I get the impression he still doesn't fully get it.

He probably thinks saying sorry is his get out of jail card and doesn't understand that actions speak much louder than words.