Solution required - but can't find one.

maman

I've just read through your thread. I'm glad you've got it sorted.

It's a shame you were 'bumped' into allowing your daughter to choose not to go. IMO, at 5 she shouldn't be dictating or having an opt-put clause. As it's too late for that then I think she needs to understand that with her opt-out decision goes consequences. Her brother is getting a holiday and she's not. OK, a compromise of the 'daddy time' at the weekend but not a separate holiday just laid on for her. That being said, I do think your ex needs to plan a more child friendly holiday in future. I don't know a huge amount about steam festivals but I do know Dorset. So, by all means go to the festival and camp (great fun for children) but go off-site as well to do some other things.

Perhaps when he gets his own place, money won't be so tight and he can plan a few breaks/treats across the year so that the steam rally is just one of many things they get to do together.

duchy

Not sure how living in his own place would be cheaper than living with parents so I wouldn't hold your breath on that one

Glad you got it sorted

toffee'n'tom

I haven't completely read through the thread but have got the gist and just advising you to sort things out now before it's too late.

My ex and I split 7 years ago when my chidlren were 11 and 9. He hasn't had them for one weekend or even one night in 7 years. He has only taken them out for the day twice and I paid for those as Christmas and Birthday presents. He lives locally. He lived with his mum for 4 years in a huge 4 bedroom house and for the past 3 years he has had his own place - although the children and I have only just found out about it. He's never done anything with them at Christmas. I have invited him to my house and cooked his dinner for the last 7 years so the children wouldn't miss out.

He has taken them on one 3 night holiday because 3 years ago my daughter cried and begged him saying he does nothing with them. He asked her to arrange it and he went on the 3 days I was in work. So still no break for me.

He has only seen them at my house and it became a habit - I have blown up about it numerous times, but I never really put my foot down until now when I found out he has a new girlfriend and he's taking her on holiday - but not his children.

Please don't end up like me being resentful and bitter for my chidlren and for myself.

itsanne

Deleted_User wrote: »

Anyway, result, having spoken to ex this morning we agreed I would speak to DD. He would still like her to come but respects her choice as it was him that gave her one. I did and she still maintains that she wants to stay with me. She has asked if she can have some special daddy time this weekend when he has the children and he readily agreed to that. As he lives with his parents this is easily possible.

I have made it clear though that next year if he goes, 2 days blandford, 2 days something else, both of which appeal to her. He agrees this is fair.

He has also said he will take them both somewhere for a few days in half term details to be discussed in September. I mentioned my email and wanting to meet up, he agreed but as yet not chosen one of my dates. I will follow this up after blandford if he hasn't.

So thank you everybody for your help in this, I've been able to see more clearly and can avoid the pitfalls in the future.

Excellent! Delighted it's sorted. Well done to both of you.

peachyprice

Remember, when you do sit down together for a chat, to teach him the golden words 'Mummy and I will have to talk about that' so that he doesn't leave you in that position again.

KnightSmile

Glad you found a sensible solution in the end!

jellyhead

Maybe a future compromise could be that you alternate who has them for the week of the steam fair in future, so every 2 years the son gets to go to something he enjoys, and daughter can tag along happy in the knowledge that the following year they'll have their holiday with Dad on a different week and she won't have to be so bored.

Dimey

I've come to this thread late so haven't read it all but my two pennyworth is....

At 6 & 5 Dad could easily take both children together. Go camping to Blandford. Do the son's choice one day and the daughter's choice the next day etc. Obviously son will choose the steam stuff but it's not too much of a hardship for daughter as she's been used to it every year and she'll get her choice next day.

Mum doesn't need to know what's going on. Dad will organise everything. Mum just needs collection and return times and a contact number for emergencies.

Dimey

toffeentom wrote: »

I haven't completely read through the thread but have got the gist and just advising you to sort things out now before it's too late.

My ex and I split 7 years ago when my chidlren were 11 and 9. He hasn't had them for one weekend or even one night in 7 years. He has only taken them out for the day twice and I paid for those as Christmas and Birthday presents. He lives locally. He lived with his mum for 4 years in a huge 4 bedroom house and for the past 3 years he has had his own place - although the children and I have only just found out about it. He's never done anything with them at Christmas. I have invited him to my house and cooked his dinner for the last 7 years so the children wouldn't miss out.

He has taken them on one 3 night holiday because 3 years ago my daughter cried and begged him saying he does nothing with them. He asked her to arrange it and he went on the 3 days I was in work. So still no break for me.

He has only seen them at my house and it became a habit - I have blown up about it numerous times, but I never really put my foot down until now when I found out he has a new girlfriend and he's taking her on holiday - but not his children.

Please don't end up like me being resentful and bitter for my chidlren and for myself.

I do hope you've stopped cooking him dinner

esmerelda98

It's funny that you start this thread and get lots of replies, but only one person (I think) comes close to the obvious solution that you eventually came up with (almost) all by yourself. Though I'm not sure why you propose two days at the fair and two days elsewhere. That's a very short week! Wouldn't three or four days at the fair and then three or four days doing other daughter-friendly things be better?

All this talk of you letting a child 'dictate' seems highly inappropriate to me. I would certainly send both children to their father on the week allocated for their holiday. It is good for the siblings to holiday together, with their father. However, parents making holiday decisions without considering the needs of the whole family is selfish, disgraceful parenting, and in your position I would certainly be working gently or furiously, whichever is required, behind the scenes to try to make the father realise that the decent thing to do is to require everyone to compromise. Him included.

However if despite my efforts he still refuses, I would try to take a few days out at a different time to do things that the daughter especially likes, but take along both children. As previously mentioned, on his holiday week he would have both the children.