Solution required - but can't find one.

seven-day-weekend

If you were still together you would presumably have a holiday that suited everyone and he would do his trains thing, with or without your son, at some other time. Why can't that still happen? Take both children for a week and then do Blandford as well, either with or without your son?

FBaby

This issue is always going to come up, as a matter, it will get much worse. What will happen in 7 years time when you and DD share a very girlie interest and your son says he doesn't want to go?

My son and daughter have totally different interests even though they get along brilliantly. It does make it tough to arrange activities and holidays. On the most, they both have to accept that they have to do things they don't really enjoy for the sake of the other, however, we always make sure that they get something worthwile out of it, as in one shopping day for my DD so she does have something to look forward too. We have also taken one of her friend with us.

You daughter is still young and shouldn't be dictating such matters when it is clearly causing so much problems. You and ex should work together so that things she would enjoy could be included in the holiday. Then in October, they could do things that is more aimed at what she likes and your son will have to bare it.

And who knows, she might find it is not that bad. Last year, we went to the festival of motoring. My DD made a big fuss about not going as it was going to be sooooo boring and I did consider letting her stat with her dad, but then decided it was a family outing and she should go. She sulked for about 10 minutes until she realised you could gather freebies. When we left, she was more enthuasiastic than her brother and asked if we could come back the following year!

Gigglepig

I would send both children to the ex his week. If your daughter gets bored, perhaps it will sink in and make him plan differently for next year?

OP cannot "cover up" for the fact that her ex is planning a holiday based on what would be fun for him, not for BOTH his kids. This won't be so great for the daughter, but such is life. Daddy decides what they do during "his" weeks, so if she doesn't like it she needs to speak to daddy. Adults decide where to go on holiday, not children.

If he does not want to take her he can pay for a weekly camp or play scheme.

peachyprice

I'm going to throw the cat amongst the pigeons I know, but I don't think the problem here is your OH so much as you/him letting a 5yo dictate what is going to happen.

She doesn't want to go on this trip because she went for a day and it was bor-ing, fair enough, so she doesn't want to go for a week with daddy because it's going to be equally bor-ing, fair enough.

But if she's old enough to make that decision she's old enough to understand that the trip is going to go ahead with or without her and there isn't going to be another trip, just for her.

If you really want to let her have a choice (which at 5yo I wouldn't), I would be explaining to her that she either goes on the trip, or she doesn't, but there's nothing to replace that trip for her in the immediate future, however no doubt there will be times over the years when there will be trips that she will go on but her brother won't because it's not his thing.

That doesn't help your childcare situation this time I know, but it's too late for that now, you've given your daughter the option of not going, next time don't.

I don't hold with the 'they come as a package' train of thought. Heavens, even couples who aren't separated don't always holiday together en masse if there's a special interest one parent and child combo enjoy more.

19lottie82

At first I assumed your DD was maybe pre teen / early teen age and I was going to say a child of that age shouldn't get to dictate where they go on hol, but then I read she is 5?

Up until I was old enough to stay home alone, I was TOLD where I was going on holiday, and that was that.

Even if your DD was / is old enough to remember last year was very boring (which I doubt at such a young age) and make a balanced decision that she didn't want to go, we all have to do things in life that maybe we rather wouldn't. This is one of them, especially as you don't have alternative childcare.

ilovelondontown

I cannot remember most of being 5, but I know for certain there were times when I had to do family events that I found "boring" and I wouldn't have been given an inch to moan about it. If there was something I was doign that I didn't like or made me "bored" that was just my too bad and I had to get on with it. In fact I think children should learn the art of being bored, it expands the mind to think for themselves, how do I entertain myself? How can I make this more fun?

You have the choice here to show how your daughter can see this situation- "Oh darling you'll have a lovely time with daddy, I bet there will be loads of things to see and do!" or "Daddy and (your son) will have a few days together, but then we get some lovely quality time together and then next X daddy is going to take you to the theme park just the two of you, you lucky thing you get the best of both worlds!"

Rather than her saying "I don't want to" and you running off to the ex and saying "She doesn't want to do that, change your plans please"

You can't control what he does/doesn't do with the kids but you can control how you react to it.

[Deleted User]

cheepskate wrote: »

OP, If you had still been a family, would you all have went together?

If you would not , and daughter said she did not want to go , would she then have stayed at home or went with dad?

I went with him once before the children, I was pregnant with DS. We then went again the following year when DS was a baby. He then went on his own as DD was around and we would have had a 1 year old and a baby. We went again as a family when they were 2 and 3. Since then its only been DS going with his father, we were a family when he was 4 and separated (unknown to the children then) when he was 5. This year he is 6 and they know Mummy and Daddy don't have holidays together anymore.

To be honest, I went as it meant we would spend some time together as a family, its not something I would have chosen to do, but it was nice to see DS's happy face and the pleasure he got from going.

[Deleted User]

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

If you were still together you would presumably have a holiday that suited everyone and he would do his trains thing, with or without your son, at some other time. Why can't that still happen? Take both children for a week and then do Blandford as well, either with or without your son?

Because he says he hasn't got the money and work is too busy for him to take off 2 weeks over the summer holidays.

[Deleted User]

peachyprice wrote: »

I'm going to throw the cat amongst the pigeons I know, but I don't think the problem here is your OH so much as you/him letting a 5yo dictate what is going to happen.

She doesn't want to go on this trip because she went for a day and it was bor-ing, fair enough, so she doesn't want to go for a week with daddy because it's going to be equally bor-ing, fair enough.

But if she's old enough to make that decision she's old enough to understand that the trip is going to go ahead with or without her and there isn't going to be another trip, just for her.

If you really want to let her have a choice (which at 5yo I wouldn't), I would be explaining to her that she either goes on the trip, or she doesn't, but there's nothing to replace that trip for her in the immediate future, however no doubt there will be times over the years when there will be trips that she will go on but her brother won't because it's not his thing.

That doesn't help your childcare situation this time I know, but it's too late for that now, you've given your daughter the option of not going, next time don't.

I don't hold with the 'they come as a package' train of thought. Heavens, even couples who aren't separated don't always holiday together en masse if there's a special interest one parent and child combo enjoy more.

Valid points, but I don't think she has dictated, he said to her if you have found the 1 day thing boring, then you won't enjoy blandford, maybe you should stay with Mummy!! He gave her the option of not going in front of me, putting me on the spot in front of his parents. I didn't think rapidly enough through all the consequences so agreed for her sake. I see now that was a bad decision. She hasn't dictated though, she was given the option of not going and promised an alternative by her father of a day trip instead. This hasn't materialised yet.

I am also now trying to remember to say "Let me think about that", before agreeing to anything first.

At this age I think they do come as a package otherwise when do I get a break. He isn't offering anything else and is only offering this week as he would be going anyway for himself .

[Deleted User]

However, I have tried calling Ex this morning to explain to him, but no joy. He is going to call me back later this morning though.

I am going to re-offer DD the opportunity to go on the basis its this or nothing. She will get to spend time with Daddy and basically everything that has been said over the last few pages. If he chooses to do something else for both of them in half term, more aimed at her then great. She has told him she would like to go to peppa pig world (about £40), but he said he can't afford it. I do get this but I also know he is saving approx £500 a month in order to move out of his parents. Ongoing since December 2012.

If she decides to stay with me then that is fine, I have arranged childcare now for my working days and I have planned fun stuff for us to do.

I have no idea which she will choose.

For next year, I will make it clear that its his time with his children, his choices, his consequences.

Last week I emailed him requesting we meet somewhere neutral to discuss various issues around the children. I'd like to have these niggling reoccuring problems ironed out, with both of us agreeing in writing. That way we can refer to it should one feel the other is being unfair. I have stated that it would be easier for us to agree and mediate these things, than have costly solicitors involved in the divorce. I have offered dates to meet. I have yet not had a reply yet. Its not him trying to be awkward, its just he is not organised and will always deal with things later, then later never happens.