Solution required - but can't find one.

[Deleted User]

Ex H and I separated last year. For the last 21 years Ex has gone to Blandford for The Great Dorset Steam Fair, its his passion, highlight of the year, heaven and earth would have to be moved before he would ever considering not doing it, its his RIGHT to go.

Our son has always shown a very keen interest in it and he is rapidly heading the same way. Ex has taken him nearly every year since he was born. This will be DS holiday with his father this year (6 days camping).

However in May, our daughter decides she isn't so keen, its boring and she decided not to go. Ex assumes I will provide his childcare for the week I originally thought I would be child free to work. Secretly I think he is pleased she isn't going as she would cramp their style.........she would, but I don't blame her, its boring!!!:rotfl:

Anyway, when I asked Ex what he was going to do for her instead, he offered a day out at a theme park, hardly equal, but that was all he said he could do. He couldn't do another week somewhere with her in the summer holidays, due to work commitments and finances.

Forward to August, last week I asked him when he was planning on doing something with DD, he replied not before blandford, he was too busy with work. Maybe he might be able to take her somewhere for a few days in October half term.

I said no, that isn't what we agreed, you should be approaching me to discuss your plans, not me asking you only then to find out you've changed them. But there is nothing I can do about it now.

My argument is the kids come as a package, not one one week, the other another. I need him to take them together so I get a break and child care enabling me to have a week at work without juggling.

This topic is going to come up year after year, unless its resolved. But he is never never ever going to NOT go to Blandford, esp as he could argue he is denying our son his passion too.

I have thought a lot about this, but I cant see a fair solution for everyone.

DD is now making noises that DS is going away with Daddy and she isn't getting the same Daddy time and its not fair. She is right. In my mind Daddy should be choosing a holiday that suits both his children, not indulging in his passion which happens to suit DS too, and DD just has to like it or lump it.

I've just emailed Ex saying how DD feels and that we need to find a solution. The likelihood is he won't have one, will bury his head and hope it goes away, or conveniently forgets I ever emailed him. He maintains he can't afford 2 separate weeks away and for me thats not practical either. I.e if he takes DD away in half term, my parents are away too and so i'll have to take holiday to look after DS, just so Ex can go away. Its too one way, but he doesn't see it like that. Am I being awkward?

So frustrating..

Funky_Bold_Ribena

What he does with the two weeks he decides to have them is his problem...

LondonDiva

How old are the kids? I'm going to sound a bit brutal here, but you need to take a big step back and not allow DD or her dad to either make you piggy in the middle or have you running around to suit them affecting your work and also arrangements you have made (without v good reason).

I would inform both DD and her father that the week has been earmarked for her dad to be responsible for childcare. DD will either have to 'suck it up', or accept that she will not have like time with her dad AND that she may end up with his parents / friend / holiday camp for the week as you are unable to take time off.

I would inform former DH that DD's case will be parked along with DS's and if DD does not go with them, he will need to make alternative childcare arrangements.

Then I would stay out of it and leave it to DD to negotiate with her dad.

[Deleted User]

FBR - He isn't having them though.

He is taking son away catering for his interests only, offering a token gesture to daughter.

Taking them separately leaves me with his child care responsibilities.

His "problems" become mine!!

tanith

I don't think anyone is being deliberately awkward but as children grow they will be interested in different things. If Dad does as you want and takes both children elsewhere then your son is going to be disappointed so Dad can't do wrong for doing right in their eyes. There will come a time when your children won't both want to go with Dad when things like school trips, scout/brownie camps come along so this is going to be an ongoing problem for years to come. I don't know what the solution is apart from give and take on both sides.
Maybe he could just have both children at home at a different time to his 'Blandford' trip, as money is an issue and do things that don't cost much , such as swimming baths, picnics, days out at the seaside so that they both get to do something they like..

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Deleted_User wrote: »

FBR - He isn't having them though.

He is taking son away catering for his interests only, offering a token gesture to daughter.

Taking them separately leaves me with his child care responsibilities.

His "problems" become mine!!

Yes, I got that. My response would be 'what you are doing with them for the two weeks that you have them both is your problem'. ie - don't do the child care, if he has them he has them both; not just the one.

[Deleted User]

Son is 6, Daughter is 5.

I disagree there as I don't see why DD's only holiday with her father should be something that she doesn't enjoy and be made to go, just to spend time with her father. He should be accommodating her, not the other way round.

She is 5 years old and not able to properly articulate her feelings yet and I'm trying not to put words into her mouth or make assumptions.

Son leaves on Monday, the arrangements have already been made for this year and I have sorted work.

But I am trying to find a solution to avoid this happening again.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Deleted_User wrote: »

But I am trying to find a solution to avoid this happening again.

Book a week away with kids next year; that week and he can have them another week. Sorted. Don't try and resolve this; he needs to learn that having an unhappy 5 year old to look after for a week is his problem, not yours.

If you jump in and provide the childcare he isn't going to change is he?

[Deleted User]

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

Yes, I got that. My response would be 'what you are doing with them for the two weeks that you have them both is your problem'. ie - don't do the child care, if he has them he has them both; not just the one.

That's what I have been saying to him, they come as a package not individually.

Ah ok, I think I get your point now, sorry.

Ex was thinking of doing half term to make up for DD not going to blandford. If I send DS too then DD still doesn't get that special 1:1 time with Daddy.

Next year I will toughen up and take your advice. What you do with them is up to you, but they come together.

In actual fact this will be the first week he would have had either of the children since he left. He has them for his 1 day a week plus the odd day so I can work but no extended visits yet. His point is "well I do better than most dad's". Maybe so.........

meritaten

It seems to me that ex and your son share an interest which will take 6 days camping. DD doesn't want to go. so for one week ex and son can do something together - lovely! he gets two weeks with the kids - so the next week can be something ex and DD can do together.
I understand why you are annoyed - but it isn't about YOU is it? the kids need 'quality' time with dad. that doesn't mean spending a week bored out of their minds. because this week is sons turn and next week is daughters turn. and they have to tag along! couldn't you arrange for him to spend time with the kids separately?

poet123

If it is a two week break then one week they go to Dorset, the next week they go to somewhere that suits your daughter.

Although, that said. I would guess that few families actively go to places that exactly suit each child. A family holiday is about compromise, and tbh, I get the impression you are quite enjoying the spanner your daughter has thrown into the works and see it as entirely the responsibility of your ex to solve. It isn't.