Advice on OH

itsanne

aileth wrote: »

Yes, the wedding is a bit of a sore spot for me as everyone was buying him drinks and he was knocking them back. I had to ferry him to bed at 11pm because he was already so drunk he could hardly walk, and lets say the wedding night was very UNmemorable to say the least.

As for everyone asking why I didn't leave him, well, I was fairly young when we met and probably still in the mindset where drinking was 'cool.' It annoyed me a bit, but not enough to put me off him. Nowadays, like I've said, this is maybe the first time in a year, but my recall of past events is really affecting how I view it. He could be absolutely fine, but history has said not. The reason I haven't left him is because of the rarity of occasions and although it definitely is a problem for him, it wouldn't end my marriage.

He was definitely gotten better in the years we've been together, but part of me says that because it's been so long since he's got totally blotto, this will be an especially bad night. Hopefully not

I spoke to him last night about it Did you tell him how worried you are / how his drinking really makes you feel?and he seemed to acknowledge what I said. He said that he will only 'nip out' with his brother or might just go over to his house to see him for an hour. Only time will tell.....

I'm sure I won't be the only one with fingers crossed.

aileth

Yes, I told him how events, especially Japan, had really put a fear in me about what might happen and that I was worried he'd get so carried away he wouldn't come home, I'd be sat at home getting more and more anxious and worried.

He said that he wants to see his brother, of course he does I have absolutely nothing against that and want him to see him as it's been a while, and said that if I was really that worried he wouldn't go. I said I don't want to stop him going and he said he would either nip over to his brothers house to play a few computer games before his brother goes out, or go to one bar with his brother but take the car (He is VERY anti drink driving and wouldn't dream of leaving the car in the city centre overnight) so it'll stop him having one.

itsanne

aileth wrote: »

Yes, I told him how events, especially Japan, had really put a fear in me about what might happen and that I was worried he'd get so carried away he wouldn't come home, I'd be sat at home getting more and more anxious and worried.

He said that he wants to see his brother, of course he does I have absolutely nothing against that and want him to see him as it's been a while, and said that if I was really that worried he wouldn't go. I said I don't want to stop him going and he said he would either nip over to his brothers house to play a few computer games before his brother goes out, or go to one bar with his brother but take the car (He is VERY anti drink driving and wouldn't dream of leaving the car in the city centre overnight) so it'll stop him having one.

That sounds promising. Here's hoping.

paulineb_2

aileth wrote: »

Yes, the wedding is a bit of a sore spot for me as everyone was buying him drinks and he was knocking them back. I had to ferry him to bed at 11pm because he was already so drunk he could hardly walk, and lets say the wedding night was very UNmemorable to say the least.

As for everyone asking why I didn't leave him, well, I was fairly young when we met and probably still in the mindset where drinking was 'cool.' It annoyed me a bit, but not enough to put me off him. Nowadays, like I've said, this is maybe the first time in a year, but my recall of past events is really affecting how I view it. He could be absolutely fine, but history has said not. The reason I haven't left him is because of the rarity of occasions and although it definitely is a problem for him, it wouldn't end my marriage.

He was definitely gotten better in the years we've been together, but part of me says that because it's been so long since he's got totally blotto, this will be an especially bad night.

I spoke to him last night about it and he seemed to acknowledge what I said. He said that he will only 'nip out' with his brother or might just go over to his house to see him for an hour. Only time will tell.....

I think you've put up with a hell of a lot to be honest. He was so blotto in the early days of dating you couldnt get in a taxi and you had to walk miles at 2am home. He got steaming drunk on your wedding night and had to be helped to bed.

And you wont end your marriage over this as youve said, but you are aware yourself if he doesnt change his ways, you are going to be putting up with this behaviour, even if its only once every 6 months or once every 12 months because hes not going to change.

You said earlier that he doesnt seem to realise just how bad his drinking is, hes only upset because of the effect its having on you.

All you can do is damage limitation, but why should you have to?
As you said earlier, hes very anti drink driving, so why cant he take the car, have a few soft drinks with his brother and then come home?

He wont be put in the position of being mocked because hes refusing an alcoholic drink, he'll be driving. I would say, if he just nips out for an hour, it might get messier than you expect.

I do agree that he has to want to change, but I think if you are going to speak to him about this, it needs to be in stronger terms and make it clear you cant deal with the worry about where hes going to end up on Friday night and if he can have a couple of drinks in the house without ending up blotto, he can do it outside.

As someone else posted about her husband, hes made the decision to opt out of a social event where alcohol is a big temptation because he knows what might happen, its time your husband started thinking along those lines and maybe thats the angle you need to take with him, that he avoids alcohol when hes out, full stop and if that means he drives anytime people are going out and hes with them, so be it.

Mojisola

aileth wrote: »

He said that he wants to see his brother, of course he does I have absolutely nothing against that and want him to see him as it's been a while

So why doesn't he arrange to meet up with his brother on a Saturday afternoon in town where they can a coffee and a chat so that he won't be put under pressure to drink alcohol?

Dimey

Sounds like hubby is trying to be considerate of your feelings Aileth, which is good.

I rather think you are focussing on the outcome of these episodes. That's fine but you also need to discuss the root problem - The danger of his inability to say no - His lemming like approach to ruin his health in public - The risk of full blown alcohol addiction further down the line.

If you can help him find the will to want to be a dignified intelligent grown-up and find a strategy where he can socialise safely, that will be better in the long run.

aileth

Mojisola wrote: »

So why doesn't he arrange to meet up with his brother on a Saturday afternoon in town where they can a coffee and a chat so that he won't be put under pressure to drink alcohol?

I've suggested this to him as well and he said he might do. I've also suggested he nips to his bro's on maybe saturday or sunday morning, watch a movie or play some games, and then come home. I suppose it's up to what he'll feel like on Friday. I've suggested he goes around to his brother's before his brother goes out to have a chat or play a game (His brother is nowhere near us - 30 min drive and he won't take a taxi just for this so he'll have to drive) or he goes to one pub with his brother, but takes the car so like Pauline said he doesn't look like a wuss because he's not drinking as he's driving.

I'm not sure what he's going to choose yet, but thank you all for the suggestions!!

thorsoak

I would add my weight to showing him a life insurance policy that you've taken out on his life.....if his brother is irresponsible, he is unlikely to leave your OH in a recovery position if he collapses in a drunken stupor - and sadly one reads only too often of people who have binged and then choked on their own vomit:(

candygirl

Hope he behaves hun;):D

candygirl

How did it pan out hun?Hope it went well x:beer: