Advice on OH

pukkamum

I posted earlier about my dh being the same and having a works do soon that he was worried about, well he has decided not to go.
He feels although we both like to think he isn't that man anymore he just doesn't want to take the risk, I feel this is the biggest break through we've had as much of his not going out drinking has come from pressure from me but I know now that he fully recognises he has a problem with drink and won't go there again.
I must say though one of the biggest things has been that we both are now pretty much teetotal, I think to tell him you don't like him drinking but being willing to get drunk at home is slightly hypocritical.
You need to decide if you can give up drunken nights with him to help him get perspective on his problem.

paulineb_2

aileth wrote: »

Katy, that's brilliant. We drink wine and sometimes g&t together and on the very rare occasion have a very drunk takeaway night courtesy of Mr Smirnoff, and he is absolutely fine, normal drunk silliness. He has also had a few beers at home on a Friday after a hard week and had absolutely zero problem at all, in fact he has even gone onto the coke at home after a few beers because he doesn't feel like having anymore despite them being in the fridge.

I think it might be slightly related to what someone said above about being shy and getting drunk as fast as possible to alleviate the shyness. He has no need to be shy when I'm there as I'm fairly confident and tend to do most of the talking wtih people so he can stay in the shadows, but when he's by himself he doesn't have that, and I know he sometimes gets struck by social anxiety.

I was about to say that he's with his brother so he won't have that, but instead he has his brother pressurising him.

As for worrying about how much he drinks, no I wouldn't say so. It's only after the event where I've told him how much he ruined my night that he gets down about it!

Your suggestions don't sound daft, in fact I'm taking a picture of your post for reference on my phone!

Sometimes people need to step up. Im not the loudest person when Im out, I dont need alcohol to make me deal with social situations, and I understand that people who do can end up with drink issues.

But, if someone was pressuring me to drink, the word no would be said.

The point is, hes an adult. You should not need to send him out with a list of how to behave on a night out. He should be able to do it and no I bet its not that easy for some people, in fact I know its not or no one would ever get blind drunk ever.

He can handle his alcohol when at home but not when he is out?

Well, as someone else suggested, he really should think about finding other social things to do

From bitter experience, I know only too well if someone has a compulsion to do something, they will do it

And saying someone pressured me into it is a monumental cop out, hes just making excuses and hes in denial about his drinking and the fact he chooses to get plastered.

Because he is choosing this way of life, he could easily say to his bro, you know what, I dont fancy ending up at A and E tonight, lets do something else instead.

Netwizard

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

Seriously...just leave him to it and spend the night away somewhere...don't flippin cook him a fry up. Honestly...

I would go along with this. Very doubtful you will change his drinking habits when hes out with the lads. If you have tried talking to him when he is calm and sober and it still has had no effect, then I think your fighting a losing battle.

One poster said something about what if he ends up in a coma etc...well that might happen but it wont be the OPs fault. She has tried to make him see the error of his ways and if has not worked.

I would be telling him hes on his own and that you are going away for the night. OP - I would book you and your sis into the nearest spa / pamper place for the night, switch off and unwind and leave the mobile at home.

Hes a grown man responsible for his own actions. You cant mother him like this for the rest of his days. If he ends up in A+E, he only has himself to blame.

CH27

He has to want to change his ways. You cannot change them for him.

paulineb_2

Netwizard wrote: »

I would go along with this. Very doubtful you will change his drinking habits when hes out with the lads. If you have tried talking to him when he is calm and sober and it still has had no effect, then I think your fighting a losing battle.

One poster said something about what if he ends up in a coma etc...well that might happen but it wont be the OPs fault. She has tried to make him see the error of his ways and if has not worked.

I would be telling him hes on his own and that you are going away for the night. OP - I would book you and your sis into the nearest spa / pamper place for the night, switch off and unwind and leave the mobile at home.

Hes a grown man responsible for his own actions. You cant mother him like this for the rest of his days. If he ends up in A+E, he only has himself to blame.

I agree it wont be her fault, but the thing is, when you have someone who does have an issue with addiction, thats what you do, you end up mothering them, because they wont take responsibility for themselves

The thing is, she could go anywhere overnight and switch off the mobile, it wont stop her worrying will it?

Its not the lads hes going out with, theyve already binned him off because he doesnt drink as excessively as he used to, its a family member, one I presume who has seen him in a drunken state more than once, I think his brother should know better, if someone really cant handle their alcohol to the point they are being picked up by police or ending up in A and E, people who care really should have a think about whether going out on the sauce is a wise option.

tinkerbell28

He is a grown up, you aren't his mother, he has to make his own choice, you can't stop him.

That said, I feel for you, he's obviously got a problem. If a grown adult can't stop at a reasonable level on a night out. So they are coherent, safe, able to care for themselves and not get ill. That's not a good relationship with alcohol.

I couldn't be married to a man, who got battered like that on nights out, especially not with kids at home. Don't know if ou have kids or not yet...

Dimey

Aileth, your husband obviously recognises he has a problem with alcohol so he could choose to be teetotal when he goes out with his brother.

However it sounds like hubby will be too weak to stand up to his brother's persuasions and will drink to make his brother happy irrespective of the danger to his life and body parts after he's guzzled till he passes out drowning in a pool of vomit.

We are used to seeing pictures of juveniles who do this but not grown men. Your husband is lucky he's limited the number of times he drinks recently, with your help. But without you, would he teeter on the edge of increasing non stop drinking to the point where it affects (and ruins) his daily life.

If he's wise, he won't take the risk as it's clear he won't be able to resist more and more booze. Husband needs to make a teetotal change to his life.

As for you. You're a lovely lady but husband is a grown man. He can say no. You can't do it for him when you're not there. I would tell him to stay with friends if he's too drunk and certainly if he's sick or I'd go stay with your sister and not come home till the following afternoon. Then I'd have the serious conversation about what type of person your husband wants to be.

My husband once got drunk while we were out with friends. He was sick in their car on the way home. She hosed him down with a hose pipe before letting him into their house. He had to pay for the car to be valeted. The hose-piping really put him in his place.

Dimey

pukkamum wrote: »

I posted earlier about my dh being the same and having a works do soon that he was worried about, well he has decided not to go.
He feels although we both like to think he isn't that man anymore he just doesn't want to take the risk, I feel this is the biggest break through we've had as much of his not going out drinking has come from pressure from me but I know now that he fully recognises he has a problem with drink and won't go there again.
I must say though one of the biggest things has been that we both are now pretty much teetotal, I think to tell him you don't like him drinking but being willing to get drunk at home is slightly hypocritical.
You need to decide if you can give up drunken nights with him to help him get perspective on his problem.

Pukkamum - I recognise what a breakthrough your husband had by making his own decision not to go and take the risk that he might weaken and have too much alcohol again.

His own life and your family lives are more important to him now. His dignity is more important to him. That is huge.

Marvellous. Well done Pukkamum's Hubby. :T

itsanne

Netwizard wrote: »

I would go along with this. Very doubtful you will change his drinking habits when hes out with the lads. If you have tried talking to him when he is calm and sober and it still has had no effect, then I think your fighting a losing battle.

One poster said something about what if he ends up in a coma etc...well that might happen but it wont be the OPs fault. She has tried to make him see the error of his ways and if has not worked.

I would be telling him hes on his own and that you are going away for the night. OP - I would book you and your sis into the nearest spa / pamper place for the night, switch off and unwind and leave the mobile at home.

Hes a grown man responsible for his own actions. You cant mother him like this for the rest of his days. If he ends up in A+E, he only has himself to blame.

Both these are true, but kind of miss the point. I don't get the impression that Aileth's worry is because she would blame herself but because of the seriousness of the situation he might find himself in.

Unfortunately, one of the consequences of loving someone is worrying about them.

marisco_2

itsanne wrote: »

Unfortunately, one of the consequences of loving someone is worrying about them.

That should work both ways though. If the OPs husband was worried about how his actions affected his wife, then he might drink more responsibly. He is an adult with an immature approach to consuming alcohol. All the worry in the world is very unlikely to change his ways. The OP has tried talking and reasoning and got no-where. So it is a matter of leaving him to it and accepting this is how it will be when he goes out drinking.