Advice on OH

Tiddlywinks

aileth wrote: »

It's a very difficult situation for me really, as when we first met and we had 'the talk' about it, he said he would have to cut down on his nights out as that's the only way he could stop himself, so we turned those nights into a movie night, sharing wine between us, nice cooked meal and a movie.

I really don't understand why you stayed with him? You didn't like his drinking so you had 'the talk' yet still he continues.

He has no respect for your opinion or any appreciation of how his drinking impacts on you.

He will not change until he wants to... needs to... and that normally means something really bad happens to jolt them into realising they need to get a grip of their drinking.

I hope you don't have children - he really isn't father material in his present state.

So, where does that leave you? Live with it, or leave and be free of the worry.

Sorry to be so blunt but you have a choice... do you deserve more?

gt568 wrote: »

Am I an alcoholic? I've had a fair few brutal hangovers, I've had a few memory gaps till people reminded me, I've been sick once or twice through too much drink, I like a drink, its fun, I've fallen asleep downstairs before, I've done a few silly things apres drink. So am I an alcoholic?

Probably a raging one according to the moralistic, holier than thou tone that a lot of you are taking on this.

Why is losing control to the extent that you lose your memory considered 'fun'?

Wellyboots6

If you think it is social anxiety that he struggles with, does he have any of his own friends that could go along too? People he finds it easy to talk to, to take the focus off his brother encouraging him to drink?

Keeping his hands busy, playing on quiz machines, pool, darts etc will all help slow his drinking down and give him a focus other than trying to talk to people.

If he has a taxi booked to get home before he goes out, he will know what time he is leaving which if he does get anxious could help.

There are apps you can download on to your phone where you enter each drink you have had, will tell you units etc. He could keep a watch on his drinking using that.

If he isn't concerned about his drinking it doesn't sound like he is likely to change it however. The thing that may help him recognise the effects of his drinking though, is if you tell him how his drinking affects you. Don't hide your worry from him.

Also, try and encourage him to have a big meal before he goes out. Pasta, mashed potato, stews etc. Anything that will help slow down the alcohol hitting his system.

I'm only really offering practical advice, as to change his behaviour significantly he has to want to change.

If he can manage this night out without overdoing it, it may give him confidence that he can have a night out and enjoy it without having to get drunk.

arbroath_lass

aileth wrote: »

Yes, have done the quiet calm chat after the event the next morning about how much it worries me and he actually cried about it becaus he knows he can't control himself when someone is shoving a drink at him and I'm not there.

He cried but he hasn't stopped doing it? His tears meant nothing. Of course he can control himself but he doesn't actually want to. I've no idea what the answer is but I certainly wouldn't put up with behaviour like that :eek:.

itsanne

marisco wrote: »

That should work both ways though. If the OPs husband was worried about how his actions affected his wife, then he might drink more responsibly. He is an adult with an immature approach to consuming alcohol. All the worry in the world is very unlikely to change his ways. The OP has tried talking and reasoning and got no-where. So it is a matter of leaving him to it and accepting this is how it will be when he goes out drinking.

I don't disagree with any of that, but I would find it virtually impossible to "accept ". That doesn't mean I would know what to actually do.

marisco_2

itsanne wrote: »

I don't disagree with any of that, but I would find it virtually impossible to "accept ". That doesn't mean I would know what to actually do.

I would find it impossible to accept too. The OP has a choice, stay put and face many occasions of going through this level of worry. Or re-evaluate where things are at in her relationship and consider bailing out.

Dimey

Katy 721's ideas are good.

A friend of mine video'd his friend on his phone while the friend was drunk.

When the drunk friend viewed it the next day, he was appalled with himself. He toned it down after that.

Do you have someone who can do that for your hubby. Maybe the video will also catch the brother manipulating and laughing at hubby. That might give hubby food for thought when he views the video.

Netwizard

paulineb wrote: »

The thing is, she could go anywhere overnight and switch off the mobile, it wont stop her worrying will it?

Nope, it won't stop her worrying, but where would you rather be? At home waiting for his arrival, where he is obviously going to be in a state where you feel obliged to look after him, or in a nice hotel / spa getting pampered. I know where I would be, but that's just me.

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

He is a grown up, you aren't his mother, he has to make his own choice, you can't stop him.

I couldn't be married to a man, who got battered like that on nights out,

Exactly.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

He's not six.

If he wants to have the risky events and the hangovers, it's his problem, not yours. His choice, his consequences.

Stop trying to be his mum.

SunshineButterfly

Did he get like this at your wedding? I only ask as most weddings have booze and many drinking guests. Was he able to not get wasted for the special day?

I guess I ask because if he was able to not drink, then he CAN say no and he can resist temptation.

aileth

SunshineButterfly wrote: »

Did he get like this at your wedding? I only ask as most weddings have booze and many drinking guests. Was he able to not get wasted for the special day?

I guess I ask because if he was able to not drink, then he CAN say no and he can resist temptation.

Yes, the wedding is a bit of a sore spot for me as everyone was buying him drinks and he was knocking them back. I had to ferry him to bed at 11pm because he was already so drunk he could hardly walk, and lets say the wedding night was very UNmemorable to say the least.

As for everyone asking why I didn't leave him, well, I was fairly young when we met and probably still in the mindset where drinking was 'cool.' It annoyed me a bit, but not enough to put me off him. Nowadays, like I've said, this is maybe the first time in a year, but my recall of past events is really affecting how I view it. He could be absolutely fine, but history has said not. The reason I haven't left him is because of the rarity of occasions and although it definitely is a problem for him, it wouldn't end my marriage.

He was definitely gotten better in the years we've been together, but part of me says that because it's been so long since he's got totally blotto, this will be an especially bad night.

I spoke to him last night about it and he seemed to acknowledge what I said. He said that he will only 'nip out' with his brother or might just go over to his house to see him for an hour. Only time will tell.....