Advice on OH

paulineb_2

aileth wrote: »

What would you suggest I do this Friday, Pauline? I really don't want to stop him going.

You know, this isnt just about Friday, its about every single night out hes going to have in the future.

Its not easy, because the desire to change has to come from him, but you are living with him, you are dealing with the worry every time he goes out.

If it were me, Id be starting with a basic conversation as to why he feels he has to get absolutely plastered every time he goes out?
I dont know enough about what youve said in earlier posts as to how long hes been drinking like this, whether its before he met you, how many nights a week he was drinking etc.

And it is positive that hes cut down, but the fact that he still cant go out for a night without getting wasted, hes not dealt with the problem, hes just cut the problem down to the point where it only happens once every few weeks or months.

I think Id have to be brutally honest and say to him that you really cant cope with the effects of his drinking and take it from there.
You arent forcing him to stop or get help, you are just telling him you cannot deal with him going on a night out and knowing that at best hes going to roll up in the morning, covered in vomit or worse, missing for hours etc. And then you might need to sit down and make some hard decisions about whether you can stay with him if he doesnt make efforts to change his lifestyle. If you can stay with him while this is going on, you know exactly what its going to be like and you are going to have to find some coping strategies to deal with it. Im not sure I could, but everyone is different.

If he cant have a social drink without it turning into a massive drinking session where he either ends up getting picked up by the police or ends up in A and E, its a problem. If he were living on his own, it would only be his problem, but hes not, hes living with you.

MakeupAddict_2

aileth wrote: »

I think I'm going to try and butter up the deal a bit. I'm going to ask him to either not drink at all and stick to the coke, or have one pint, come home in good time and he will get a fry-up Saturday and a Sunday lunch.

I'm thinking of saying something like, "It'd be really nice if you could do this, you know how much it has upset me in the past." Bloody hell, typing this out I feel like I'm mothering him too much and not treating him like an adult....

Yes you would be mothering him too much, and it doesn't do anything to solve the problem - it only puts it off till next time.

While your OH isn't a full blown 24/7 alcoholic, he does have a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol. That was what drew him and his group of 'friends' together in the first place. As you recognise, that's not a true friendship and it was proven by their reaction to him making himself different. The only bond they had was a desire to get smashed and when he no longer fitted the mould they dropped him.

He's done well, through your efforts and his, to remove himself from that culture and he should be given credit for that. But it hasn't addressed the underlying issue, which is that he still has a problem with drink. When he does go out, however infrequently, he turns into a temporary alcoholic, with no control and no will power. Unfortunately, like a regular alcoholic, that will only change when HE wants it to. No amount of pleading or bribery from you will change the fundamental issue.

It's possible that he lost confidence and self esteem when his mates dropped him, because however unsavoury they were part of his identity. He's lost that and may still be mourning for it at least a little. When he's sober (and preferably when there isn't a night out hoving into view) perhaps you could start to work on his sense of self, and encourage him to start creating a new identity, focusing on his strengths and based on other interests.

MuAx

aileth

Yes, he did it before he met me. He would drink 2-3 times a week to this level.

I have to say I was really taken aback when I first met him, I really thought he'd spend the evening try to butter me up but instead frequently ended up vomiting on the floor. One time a taxi refused us to let him in and me and his friend (me in high heels) had to walk 4-5 miles at 2am in the morning to get him home.

I guess I must have glazed over it in the beginning. I remember feeling a little hurt that he'd get to that stage, especially when it was my first night in that city, as I had never been there before and had no idea about where is where, what buses, taxis etc, and was hoping he'd take care of me that night rather than the other way around.

We had a proper talk after the aforementioned Halloween incident. I asked him why he thought it was appropriate to get into such a state and basically rely on me to get him home, cleaned up and take care of him, and why he even drank to that stage in the first place. I just remember him shrugging, a few tears and saying he can't control himself. He has a few drinks and keeps going and going, and he drinks so fast that he's fine one second and on the floor the next.

This is his first night out in a good year though, and that's why I don't want to ruin it. When we had the chat, he said he would stop going out so much to get away from it, that he'd try really hard, but of course since then there's been the Japan incident etc.

Part of me thinks Friday will be bad simply for the fact of his brother's ogre influence, peer pressure and the fact he hasn't done it in a long time and that's what worries me so much.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

aileth wrote: »

What would you suggest I do this Friday, Pauline? I really don't want to stop him going.

Seriously...just leave him to it and spend the night away somewhere...don't flippin cook him a fry up. Honestly...

paulineb_2

MakeupAddict wrote: »

Yes you would be mothering him too much, and it doesn't do anything to solve the problem - it only puts it off till next time.

While your OH isn't a full blown 24/7 alcoholic, he does have a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol. That was what drew him and his group of 'friends' together in the first place. As you recognise, that's not a true friendship and it was proven by their reaction to him making himself different. The only bond they had was a desire to get smashed and when he no longer fitted the mould they dropped him.

He's done well, through your efforts and his, to remove himself from that culture and he should be given credit for that. But it hasn't addressed the underlying issue, which is that he still has a problem with drink. When he does go out, however infrequently, he turns into a temporary alcoholic, with no control and no will power. Unfortunately, like a regular alcoholic, that will only change when HE wants it to. No amount of pleading or bribery from you will change the fundamental issue.

It's possible that he lost confidence and self esteem when his mates dropped him, because however unsavoury they were part of his identity. He's lost that and may still be mourning for it at least a little. When he's sober (and preferably when there isn't a night out hoving into view) perhaps you could start to work on his sense of self, and encourage him to start creating a new identity, focusing on his strengths and based on other interests.

MuAx

I agree with a lot of what you have said here, but even though he doesnt have a daily drinking issue, when he drinks, its still causing massive problems.

And tbh, I think that the only way that he is going to make a positive change is if he gives up drinking. Unless he can get to the stage where he can go out and have a few drinks and it doesnt end up causing himself and his wife problems, as I said earlier, its going to keep happening.

I know its only he that can make the decision. But I dont think he can expect to carry on behaving like this and expecting his wife just to accept it and pick up the pieces.

He has a really negative relationship with alcohol going by the posts shes made, she sounds like a saint for putting up with as much as she has to this point.

pukkamum

This could have been me writing this a few years ago, my dh was/is the same, absolutely no self control when it came to boozing with friends.
We moved away from his friends when we started a family purely for this reason, the last time he went out, a couple of years ago, I stayed at my mums to ensure I wasn't at home to witness it.
He got very messy, very quickly as per and ended up with the mother of all hangovers.
He decided then that it's just not worth it and hasn't been out since.
He has a works do on Friday free booze etc and we have talked through how to deal with it. He is only going to drink fosters, no wife beater stella artois, no shots, and he is going to make sure he eats beforehand.
I know that one of my dhs problems is that he gets quite stressed and shy in these situations and drinking fast gets him through the shy stage.
I've also suggested getting a diet coke every third drink.

Caroline_a

My ex had an issue with alcohol. He couldnt stop drinking once he'd had one, and would end up being exceptionally belligerent and often violent. This escalated over the years we were together, started off with arguments, then went to locking me out if I was out on some innocent task (shopping, visiting a girlfriend, etc), and then once or twice he became physically violent. At that point I called the police and that particular aspect of his behaviour stopped.

Whenever I knew he was going to drink, or began drinking I would devise ways of 'persuading' him to stop, I would cook him a meal, or plan something that needed us both to go out, enticing him away from the damn beer! At the time I felt it was a coping mechanism - with hindsight now I can see I was just enabling him. The stress was enormous because I never knew what I would go home to (he would leave early and go straight to the pub), or what would come home to me.

When I left him it was like a huge weight had been lifted. I didn't have to tiptoe round him any more, life was so much easier. How was I enabling him? I guess by these coping mechanisms that allowed him to get away with drinking as he did, and, by this it was tacitly my fault if he didnt stop as I hadnt provided a good enough reason for him not to.

OP, only you will know whether you can continue with this. I just know that I couldnt...

gt568

Whoo, whoo, the fun police are out in force this morning.

paulineb_2

gt568 wrote: »

Whoo, whoo, the fun police are out in force this morning.

I dont think the OP is having much fun from the tone of her posts do you?

If this wasnt an issue for her, she wouldnt have felt the need to start the thread in the first place.

Seriously, if you have nothing constructive to say, why bother?

itsanne

Paulineb is spot on.

Aileth, from what you describe your OH is an alcoholic. He's been very fortunate that you have managed to help so much, so that his drink problem now has had infrequent effects on his normal life. But it is clearly still a problem.

As he exercises no control once he starts, and seems to simply accept that that is how things are, I think he has to stop drinking completely. That needs to include Friday. Is there somewhere else they could go? How about out for a meal or activity instead?