Advice on OH

GoldenShadow

I think he's showing a complete lack of respect for you by allowing himself to get that drunk if it makes you worry so much. It would worry me too!

This would cause issues in the relationship for me. I would feel as though my feelings and opinions don't matter enough for him to consider altering his behavior in any way. This isn't just getting drunk, as you say it sounds as though he's paralytic and using valuable NHS resources because he can't say no to more booze!

If he were my OH he would have to sort it out else I don't think I would be with him. Maybe that sounds extreme but this isn't just going out for A drink. You seem to lay some blame at his brother's door but at the end of the day your OH needs to know his limit and is responsible for his own alcohol consumption.

aileth

marisco wrote: »

Trying to put a time restriction on when your husband returns is pretty counterproductive. If he doesn't take offence to that as a grown man, he might start off the evening with the intention of being home by the time agreed. This could just lead to him drinking harder and faster though and still ending up laid out on the floor being sick and stumbling through the door in the same condition or being taken to A&E.

Have you had a chat with him whilst he is his calm, rational self and explained what your worries are? Is he generally quite a sensible person who would take your concerns on board and think about them? I honestly think that would be the better way to approach this.

Yes, have done the quiet calm chat after the event the next morning about how much it worries me and he actually cried about it becaus he knows he can't control himself when someone is shoving a drink at him and I'm not there.

paulineb_2

It actually doesnt sound daft, how much impact does this have on your marriage. Bluntly, just because someone doesnt drink a lot doesnt mean that drink isnt an issue for them.

Getting picked up by the police and ending up in A and E isnt the behaviour of someone who has a healthy relationship with alcohol (Im sure you dont need me to tell you that)

Its only happening now and then, how would you deal with it if it was happening every other weekend?

I do think you really need to start making some decisions about whether you can tolerate this behaviour even if its only now and then.

He is as much at fault as his brother. No one is forcing the drink down his neck and no, theres nothing wrong with going out and having a good time.

I have a drink in the house, I also have a drink when I go out. But Ive never ended up so wasted Ive ended up at A and E.

Vomiting all over taxis? You sitting worrying because you know hes not going to be in by midnight? Theres only so much damage limitation you can do, he has to do something to change his behaviour.

Because if he can go days without drinking heavily, hes perfectly capable of having a few pints on a night out without coming back covered in sick or being picked up by the police.

Its over the top behaviour and Id be making more of an issue of it, Id be asking that it changes and that you dont need to go through this every time he goes out. It also shows a total lack of respect for you and your feelings.

MakeupAddict_2

I hate to be a pessimist, but by the sound of it there's not much you can do. At least it's not very often, rather than every week/day.

I know some people would say that that's not really what A&E are for (I'm probably one of them) but if/when it happens, somebody somewhere will make sure he's OK. So let him get on with it, he's an adult, he makes his own choices. But make him take the consequences himself - he cleans himself up and washes his clothes if he's covered in vomit, leave him to wake up on the hall floor if that's where he ends up, and make him pay any taxi cleaning bill. Don't make it easy for him to shrug it off by sorting things out for him, and if he has to deal with the reality of what he does, maybe next time he'll think twice.

MuAx

paulineb_2

aileth wrote: »

Yes, have done the quiet calm chat after the event the next morning about how much it worries me and he actually cried about it becaus he knows he can't control himself when someone is shoving a drink at him and I'm not there.

I dont agree with this. He has self control, hes choosing not to use it.

If this is such an issue for him and hes sitting crying the morning after the night before then why does he choose to go and do it again?

If he really wanted to deal with this hed go and get some help, hed speak to someone about it.

Or he would refuse to put himself in risky situations. Hes been lucky so far, people die from alcohol binges particularly if they have vomited.

I do think you need to find out why he has to drink to the point he cant stop and I also think you need to put your foot down and say no more.

If you dont, it doesnt matter whether this happens twice a year or ten times a year, its going to keep happening, he wont change.

He'll just say sorry and do the same the next time.

aileth

It's a very difficult situation for me really, as when we first met and we had 'the talk' about it, he said he would have to cut down on his nights out as that's the only way he could stop himself, so we turned those nights into a movie night, sharing wine between us, nice cooked meal and a movie.

His friends automatically assumed I was being a controlling b*tch and refusing to let him go near them for whatever reason, and they basically all cut contact from him because of it, refused to come to the wedding etc, and I know it's a sore spot.

I remember one halloween in particular, he was completely legless from pre-drinks and was VERY drunk by the time we got to the first bar, I got quite upset and talked to my girlfriends who were there, who asked one of his friends to talk to him. Result? "There's nothing wrong with him, stop being a cow and let him enjoy his night out."

So I don't want to be the controlling cow, or people to think that because he goes out less, I am forcing him not to, when he reduced the nights out by choice when he identified he had issues, but I can't win.

paulineb_2

aileth wrote: »

It's a very difficult situation for me really, as when we first met and we had 'the talk' about it, he said he would have to cut down on his nights out as that's the only way he could stop himself, so we turned those nights into a movie night, sharing wine between us, nice cooked meal and a movie.

His friends automatically assumed I was being a controlling b*tch and refusing to let him go near them for whatever reason, and they basically all cut contact from him because of it, refused to come to the wedding etc, and I know it's a sore spot.

I remember one halloween in particular, he was completely legless from pre-drinks and was VERY drunk by the time we got to the first bar, I got quite upset and talked to my girlfriends who were there, who asked one of his friends to talk to him. Result? "There's nothing wrong with him, stop being a cow and let him enjoy his night out."

So I don't want to be the controlling cow, or people to think that because he goes out less, I am forcing him not to, when he reduced the nights out by choice when he identified he had issues, but I can't win.

Your friends dont live with him. You do. Thats the difference. Your husbands friends didnt come to your wedding because you tried to get him to cut down on the number of nights out he was going on where people were boozing heavily?

Its normal to see less of your friends when you are in a serious relationship.

The fact is, he may have had a circle of friends who were heavy drinkers and that was just the culture. Or, your husband does have an issue with alcohol and youve managed to control it by diverting his attention onto doing other things and thats ok.

But its not under control if he cant go out and touch alcohol without getting legless.

There are people who go through times in their life where they drink heavily and are able to return to a more normal pattern of drinking.

But for some people, alcohol and them do not mix and it does sound as if your husband could really do with giving up booze.
He doesnt seem to have a healthy relationship with it at all, no matter whether he drinks once a year or once a week.

aileth

Thank you Pauline, that is really it in a nutshell.

paulineb_2

aileth wrote: »

Thank you Pauline, that is really it in a nutshell.

I have a professional qualification in drug and alcohol studies and I worked with people who used drugs and alcohol for quite a long time. Which doesnt make me the expert on alcohol, but Ive seen a lot of people over the years who have different drinking patterns, but its the effect on them and their loved ones that matters.

Ive seen peoples relationships ruined through alcohol even though they dont drink daily or even weekly. I think theres a perception that unless someone is drinking heavily every day or reaching for a drink first thing in the morning, that their relationship with alcohol is positive. I dont think thats the case.

And I know people have different relationships with alcohol. Some people as I said can go through stressful times in their lives and drink more and return to normal patterns of drinking. Other people might go through times in their life where they are involved in a culture through work, friends, where heavy boozing is the norm.

But I would guess that a lot of people grow out of that. Youve tried to support him by cutting down the number of times he drinks and youve managed that well.

In the face of some criticism from friends. But I think if you fall into the trap of thinking, well its only now and then, its not dealing with the underlying issue.

If someone seriously cannot control their drinking to the point where they are safe, unless someone is standing over them reminding them to slow down, its an issue. If its upsetting you, its an issue.

And I do think even though he might not appreciate it, that you need to consider a conversation where you ask him to stop drinking full stop.

Just because people have so far managed to clean him up and send him home and he hasnt been seriously injured doesnt make what hes doing ok, its far from ok.

I dont think I could be in a relationship with someone like that (and I have been in relationships with people who drank far too much, I had to get out of them, for me it wasnt healthy).

You end up mothering people rather than being their partner.

JodyBPM

The problem is that he's a grown man.

The extent that he drinks to is OTT, but at the end of the day he's an adult, its his choice how much he drinks.

You can't change his behaviour, only your own, so you really have 2 choices, put up with it, or leave.

Telling him what/how much he can drink is controlling and I can see why his friends (who probably have similar attitudes to drink to him) didn't like it. Although its clearly being done with the best intentions, the only person who can permanently control his alcohol intake is him, anything else isn't really healthy. That's why he still can't control himself - because he's relied on you to control it for him. That's not a solution, its a sticking plaster.