Big arguements and new pregnancy

bagpussbear

pukkamum wrote: »

I too think some things he is saying don't add up, 5 miscarriages in 8 mths?
I may get shot down in flames by people who have experienced this but I'm pretty sure you are advised to wait a while after a miscarriage before ttc.
Also it's a bit weird that he'd never mentioned it before, and surely getting a woman pregnant 5 times in 8mths would make him extremely fertile as opposed to infertile?

Exactly, that works out a miscarriage every 6/7weeks or so doesn't it? is that even possible?

scorpioyorks

Hi, sometimes you need to take a step back to see what is really going on in your relationship. My ex was controlling, he didn't have any friends, he didn't like my friends and I didn't see it at the time.

Things seemed ok to me and then I got pregnant a second time things got really bad (to cut a long story short I got divorced and read through reports, one of them said he was jealous of me when I was pregnant, he never mentioned this when we were together)

When he tried to stop me seeing my family, I realised enough was enough and I went to my parents (a few days before giving birth) I was unsure of things and it gave me time to think and see things clearly.

I'm not with him anymore, but I will always remember what I read a few months ago and wish i'd read it sooner. It said about when not to marry someone. Never marry someone with no friends, never marry someone who doesn't get on with their mum. My ex was always arguing with his mum and had no friends.

I lost my best friend because of my ex as he kept playing mind games and I fell for them. When I divorced him my best friend and I got back in touch again and she was there for me, it was silly why we had lost touch. I will never make that mistake again.

What do your parents think about him? It seems like you both need to sit down and talk things through, he is avoiding the issues and being childish. If he is serious about being a dad he needs to grow up. I would go for a break to your parents and think things through.

The miscarriages don't add up and the controlling behaviour has my alarm bells ringing.

LannieDuck

candygirl wrote: »

It's a major red flag when someone doesn't even want you to have friends, and I am talking from experience:(

Sure, and I agree it's possible. But saying that someone's controlling and then further than that, that they may get violent, is quite a strong statement from a paragraph or two of text.

My first thought on reading it was that he was just used to getting his own way - he didn't like her friend and didn't want to be around her, he wanted to start his own business and needed her help to do it etc.

He could be selfish, it could be that he's really immature and throws a strop when he doesn't get what he wants, or he could be controlling and dangerous. I'm not sure we have enough of a picture to try to guess.

sassyblue

pukkamum wrote: »

I too think some things he is saying don't add up, 5 miscarriages in 8 mths?
I may get shot down in flames by people who have experienced this but I'm pretty sure you are advised to wait a while after a miscarriage before ttc.
Also it's a bit weird that he'd never mentioned it before, and surely getting a woman pregnant 5 times in 8mths would make him extremely fertile as opposed to infertile?

You're advised to wait three months before trying again, if you'd had a couple close together l think you'd be advised to wait longer.

I meant to pick up on this in my post too as l just don't think it's possible sorry, technically it could be but how run down and ill would the lady concerned be? It would be reckless if true.

marisco_2

I suffered a miscarriage in my second pregnancy and was advised to wait at least 3 months before trying again. The time frame advised by the OPs partner doesn't seem right in which to suffer so many miscarriages. Apart from anything else a woman's menstrual cycle can be affected and take time to return to normal.

TeamLowe

pukkamum wrote: »

I too think some things he is saying don't add up, 5 miscarriages in 8 mths?
I may get shot down in flames by people who have experienced this but I'm pretty sure you are advised to wait a while after a miscarriage before ttc.
Also it's a bit weird that he'd never mentioned it before, and surely getting a woman pregnant 5 times in 8mths would make him extremely fertile as opposed to infertile?

Medical advice these days is to wait until next period but that's only for dating the pregnancy. Indeed I know from support forums of a lot of women have got pregnant again in the weeks after as you're meant to be more fertile then

After three miscarriages you're offered testing to find the cause and I believe at that point they advise you to stop ttc until you have the results.

Or at least, it would be reasonable to expect anyone who's suffered losses to not want to lose another baby if there may be a medical condition causing it, so would stop trying until they had the results

It may be that he's counting babies not pregnancies but 5 pregnancies in eight months is very hard to believe, unless she was losing very early on then getting pregnant straight away after

krlyr

http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Resources/warning_signs.html

minimoneysaver

Haven't read everything in detail, but I have read the OPs posts. RUN!!!

In all honesty, if I were you, I would call my parents and get them to collect me & my belongs and never look back.

What you do with your future and the baby is for you to think about.

Surely there is no way round this relationship, other than to save yourself and your unborn child. x

LouLou

I feel a bit bad for the OP. It must be distressing and frightening to get these sort of warnings, when she was only anticipating a bit of upbeat advice.

My sister was in a very similar situation, and, unbelievably, I read somewhere years ago that the most common time for a man to start physically abusing a woman is when she is pregnant. I was absolutely astonished when I read that. And my poor sister didn't admit it till my niece was a few years old and the guy was regularly beating her, police coming to their house...

Not that I'm suggesting this is what will happen, but controlling mens' behaviour apparently can escalate during this very vulnerable time.

Part of the manipulating/brainwashing is undermining the woman, slowly but surely. Isolation, then the negative talk starts, then who knows where it could lead.

It could well be the guy is just a jealous type who is possessive but maybe not to the extremes my sister experienced. What is important is that OP asserts herself, and regains the lifestyle, friends, family that SHE wants, not what HE wants. If he loves you, he will want you to be happy and he will be open to compromise.

I hope you're doing OK.

FBaby

Sure, and I agree it's possible. But saying that someone's controlling and then further than that, that they may get violent, is quite a strong statement from a paragraph or two of text.

I took it that her best friend didn't like her getting a serious boyfriend and not having her friend to go out on the pull any longer and ultimately tried to break them up telling lies about him, which he found out, hence him asking her to make a choice.

The reality is that we don't know the circumstances. To assume that he is in the wrong and a controlling freak likely to become violent just from a statement that he made his girlfriend chose between her friend and him is very biaised and concluding that she should run away when she is just pregnant could have terrible consequences long term. I sometimes really worry that some vulnerable poster could take all their read here as gospel, break up with someone who might just be going through a difficult time and just need a bit of time and understanding, and lose something that could have been good. It is especially worrying when babies are involved. I do hope most posters consider that we are just complete strangers who don't know the situation and who deep inside don't care more than when they log in.

A friend of mine fell pregnant with her boyfriend with whom she had a very volatile relationship. We were shocked when she told us as she is a very responsible and mature person. They had broken up and made up more in 3 months than teenagers! When she was pregnant, he turned into a monster, shouted at her at hospital to pull herself together when she was admitted with very serious sickness (was there for over 4 weeks as it was so bad). Even after the birth he continued to be a complete a**. Yet she was adamant to try to make it work as she really didn't want a child without a father. Somehow, they decided to move in together and things got much better gradually. 5 years on and they are doing brilliantly. They have managed to learn to communicate with each other and know how the other one operates. They have made compromises and somehow have found that they could make it work. They are the last couple I imagined would have been together at this stage and yet the more the years go by and the more they seem to make it work well.

Relationships can be tough, very tough. There are times when I thought my OH and I wouldn't make it because of misunderstandings and difficulties with communication. There are times when I never thought we could resolve our differences. However we are both stubborn and don't give up easily, so instead on planning on next move, we concentrated on how to make our relationship better. We got to learn about each other during that process by focussing on the other rather than oneself. We took it slowly and we made it. The outcome is that going through those difficult times and getting out of them even closer as made our relationship much stronger. It is very reassuring to know that even when you go through rough times we can get through it together.

About the miscarriages, I was advised to wait one month to try again, but told that really it was up to me. All it means is that you continue to TTC as normal and see what happens. It does sound impossible to have 5 miscarriages in 8 months, but it is so easy to say or hear the wrong thing in anger. He might have said 3 in 8 months, or he might have meant to say 5 in 18 months.