Big arguements and new pregnancy

paulineb_2

princessdon wrote: »

It's natural enough to plan a child but asking about maternity leafe means being yelled at?

Well, he doesnt seem to be discussing very much without shouting or going in the huff at the moment according to the OP does he?

poet123

princessdon wrote: »

I'd be advising her to work out how SHE is going to support her child. Ie getting a job, laying all the blame at the feet of someone whose side we haven't had doesn't sit with me.

OP knew they are broke, she knew her role in the business etc, the issues of control are separate, but OP has a lot of priorities wrong and as a soon to be mother, she needs to address these.

I agree she does need to address her priorities, which was pretty much what I said in my last post. However, to do that under the circumstances she is living in, feeling as she is feeling is pretty hard. She needs to be in a place of comfort to do that imo.

As for laying all the blame at his feet, we can only go on what she has written, and he sounds like an !!!!. Of course there are two sides to every story but if what she says about him is true I wouldn't want him in my life, would you?

thorsoak

Bickering - between and OP and her partner or between posters - is unproductive.

OP : my advice is that you talk to your parents and your sister as a matter of urgency. I'm not sure how old you are - you don't appear to be very old from your posts - and it does not appear that you are going to get the support you should from your partner.

Do arrange your midwife appointment and book your scan as soon as possible - and think carefully about the future - you are going to be responsible for the health and well-being of your baby - and from what you have written so far it does not apppear that you are going to get the correct support you need from your partner.

Far better to make contingency plans now.

princessdon

poet123 wrote: »

I agree she does need to address her priorities, which was pretty much what I said in my last post. However, to do that under the circumstances she is living in, feeling as she is feeling is pretty hard. She needs to be in a place of comfort to do that imo.

As for laying all the blame at his feet, we can only go on what she has written, and he sounds like an !!!!. Of course there are two sides to every story but if what she says about him is true I wouldn't want him in my life, would you?

I see glimpses of both sides, eg a man worries about finances, OP said she was worried, he sees this as a failure. Most women work during pregnancy with no issues, so her being unable to work affects him (something neither planned as its rare to be so ill you can't even make toast).

I can picture the conversation and see both sides. Taking time out (other than at in laws) is needed, but I think OP is finding it hard to be objective ATM. It was only weeks ago the made love to create this planned child, so there must be some good in him.

We were very financially secure when we had put first, but OH still worried about the need to provide. Very few couples don't worry about this, he appeared excited - saw OP low and probably feels he failed her, it is a two way street.

She can practically look at maternity pay or allowance, child tax credits, housing benefit etc and therefore have more of an idea on how they can afford. Look at 2nd hand items, not new items, etc.

Ie have a plan of what she wants to do, and real examples of how they can afford it (benefits are high for children with good 2nd hand goods available). Then discuss this, they have joint responsibility not just his to provide.

GoldenShadow

At the end of the day you chose to get pregnant, *you* chose *this* current situation and I am struggling to get my head around how either of you could possibly think it was sensible to have a baby? I am not one of those who thinks 'well its done now so no point saying anything' people either.

You should have thought about all this before you decided to have a family. It seems questionable how he and you will support a child. I think you need to go home (to your family) and work out how you can do this on your own because I am with others on this thread in thinking this relationship isn't an overly healthy one to be in.

I honestly struggle to understand how on earth you thought getting pregnant was a good idea?!

FBaby

Person_one wrote: »

I don't think the suggestions that he might be abusive come from 'nothing' actually, they come from lots of red flags and examples from the OP's description of his behaviour.

You seem very determined to see his side in this, to paint him in the best possible light, why?

That's the thing I don't believe in 'sides' I believe in different perspectives and feelings that erupt from these differences. I don't believe in this instance that OP's partner is in the right, I believe that they see things differently because they are not communicating well at all. I think it is when you start thinking there is right and wrong side that everything goes wrong.

princessdon

FBaby wrote: »

That's the thing I don't believe in 'sides' I believe in different perspectives and feelings that erupt from these differences. I don't believe in this instance that OP's partner is in the right, I believe that they see things differently because they are not communicating well at all. I think it is when you start thinking there is right and wrong side that everything goes wrong.

Exactly and some things OP says allows another perspective.

No sickness a week ago to wobbling down stairs, being so ill they can't even make toast, 24 hour sickness. All unpleasant but he is her employer/partner in business too. He doesn't appear to have complaints about her not turning in for work, but it will impact him.

She talked on this thread about special food and drink she wanted that left him penniless, what food? A bit of ginger for morning sickness is 50p. She talks of the fact she has chosen her pram and cot etc, so I take it not 2nd hand.

He hasn't spoken to her for 3 hours! He's at work, 3 hours is hardly ignoring her.

Champagne tastes on a beer budget are hard at best if times, but if his income relies partly on her and she is too ill to work.

OP You need to look at finances, ask him to look at an apprentice - govt funding to help if you can't - perhaps a young fit apprentice would be ideal? You also need to work out that whilst you are excited you are also skint. You probably need to be looking realistically at money and talks of expensive items will scare him.

Children don't need money, they need 2 parents on the same page. Try seeing his side and see if there is something you can work on.

scorpioyorks

Hi Op, how are you feeling today?

I'm the person who asked about what your parents think about your partner.

Someone asked what do my parents think of him, well not alot. Infact none of my family likes him. Last year we had a huge arguement and he dropped me off at home for a couple of days so i can think things over. My family asked what had happened and i rightly or wrongly told them. My sister even admitted that she thought that it was very possessive of him to propose so early on in our relationship when things didn't seem 100% right.

When I got divorced I remember my dad saying to me "well there was always something odd about him." (About my ex husband.) I asked my dad why he hadn't said anything at the time and he replied "well would you have listened?" I knew the answer was no I wouldn't have (I can be very stubborn especially when I think I'm right) I have given advice to friends and the same was true for myself that no matter how much someone tells you something it will often make you more determined not to listen. In the end I said to my friend "I don't agree with what you are doing, but I want you to know that I am always there for you." None of my family liked my ex either and they tried to get on with him for my sake as they thought I was happy. At the end of the day you have to decide what you want to do for you and the baby, only you can make that decision.

"He doesn't get the whole hormones thing so i keep asking him to look into early pregnancies so he can see im not making it up but he hasn't yet."

How did you feel after talking to your oh? What did he say when you mentioned about looking up about the pregnancy hormones? I'm not sure why he wouldn't believe you about the morning sickness and that you felt like you had to justify yourself to him.

"My best friend was married and had a baby, we used to go out about once a month but i would go and see her, her hubby and bubba most weekends before i met him. I spoke to her alot on the phone and on fb. Things got blown up as he got the wrong end of the stick and then when it got brought up a few weeks ago i felt like he turned it round to be my desicion and then when i said no i said,......... he then said well i must be a liar then :mad:"

It's sad about your best friend as it sounds like you enjoyed seeing her and she would be a good person to talk to now as she has a baby and could give you advice. When I left my ex husband I lost a lot of friends and soon realised who my true friends were, because he was controlling I lost sight of who I was and what I liked doing and what made me happy. If you were happy seeing your friend then your oh has no right to stop you seeing her as surely he should want the best for you and for you to be happy? You don't seem happy at the moment, what do you think would make you happy?

In one of the other posts someone mentioned about you having debts of 40k, this must be causing you a lot of stress too and I speak from experience as money worries caused a lot of arguments in my previous relationship too. http://www.stepchange.org/ (formally cccs) can help and I also found the cab very good too.

Have you mentioned to your oh about having a break at your parents? How does he feel about this?

neneromanova

paulineb wrote: »

My colleague wasnt paying any NI as she didnt work enough hours to get a pension credit. But she got maternity allowance from the Govt

Not everyone who is self employed pays class 2 NI either, you can get an exemption if you earn below a certain amount.

Im not sure what the OP's situation, shes said that shes self employed but Im not sure that shes paying NI contributions or whether her partner is paying them for her (which is why I assume the issue was raised in a previous post).

My earlier post was just to say if someone hasnt paid enough NI, they should qualify for mat allowance from the Govt.

But of course its something else for the OP to think about, because once this baby is born, if her partner isnt paying class 2 for himself and herself, they should think about doing it as it all counts towards the state pension

However with the relationship as fragile as it is, I wonder how that conversation would go.

If no NI has been paid or they earn a certificate of small earnings then they will get £27 a week. If they have paid 13 weeks of NI, with no certificate, then they will get £136.78 a week. I've just had this problem but luckily its sorted now