What's going on in this man's head: round 2

thistledome

OP, what sort of replies were you hoping for?

Are you waiting for someone to say, "He's crazy about you but doesn't want to get hurt" or some similar B.S. Sorry, but that's not the case.

1) He wants to have sex with you.

and

2) He doesn't want other men to have sex with you.

Not because he's in love/confused/scared - because he doesn't want to share his toy or have to compete with other boys for it. This man is not complicated.

If that's OK with you then carry on, you're both free and single.

If it's not OK with you, then stop having sex with him and find yourself a decent chap who wants the same kind of relationship that you want.

CH27

He's not confused! He is selfish!

FBaby

I think he is confused. For whatever reasons, he wants to convince himself that he doesn't want a relationship (assume the usual got hurt in the past and doesn't want to go through it again) rather than him REALLY not wanting a relationship. Then there is you. He likes you, a lot, and really would like to be with you BUT he is scared of starting something and getting hurt, and things are back to square 1. So one minute when he feels strong, he tells you what his head tells him, and then he speaks from his heart and you get the mixed signals.

The way to handle it is just to be what you seem to be, dealing with with it. Tell him that you are going on the island for a holiday, that you don't know what you will be up to because you'll take things day by day and that since you are not in a relationship, he shouldn't be bothered about whatever activity you engaged in, end of.

Deep inside, he knows that he can't tell you that you can't have a relationship but expect you to act when you are not with him as if you are in one. Frustrating for him, but he needs to live with it.

dilemma10

FBaby wrote: »

I think he is confused. For whatever reasons, he wants to convince himself that he doesn't want a relationship (assume the usual got hurt in the past and doesn't want to go through it again) rather than him REALLY not wanting a relationship. Then there is you. He likes you, a lot, and really would like to be with you BUT he is scared of starting something and getting hurt, and things are back to square 1. So one minute when he feels strong, he tells you what his head tells him, and then he speaks from his heart and you get the mixed signals.

The way to handle it is just to be what you seem to be, dealing with with it. Tell him that you are going on the island for a holiday, that you don't know what you will be up to because you'll take things day by day and that since you are not in a relationship, he shouldn't be bothered about whatever activity you engaged in, end of.


Deep inside, he knows that he can't tell you that you can't have a relationship but expect you to act when you are not with him as if you are in one. Frustrating for him, but he needs to live with it.

Thank you so much as I think the other advice has been good but I think you are understanding the situation more.

I do think he is battling with his heart and mind.

For example he's set himself up a real little bachelor pad and now he relentlessly comments on 'yes it is rather bad isn't it', yes this is all I have and at my age etc. It's like he wanted all of this - big tv, beers on tap, then I came along and confused the issue a fair ol' bit and now he's trying to convince himself he still wants what he's worked hard for...?

FBaby

Thanks. I can't remember what his past was like? Was he married or in a serious relationship before? When did it/the last one end.

I say that because I have heard it so many times from female and male friends (but more males) after going through a harsh separation/divorce that they won't ever do it again because it is not worth the heartache/trouble, but that's not counting with them falling in love again and instinctively wanting more than a casual relationship. Usually, they give in to the relationship in the end, but some do make the same mistakes over and over again, and think they are victims of bad luck when they are once again dumped.

If you really really like him and are committed, but don't give up, but do take it very very slowly without any expectations at all from him. Enjoy your life and let him come to you gradually at his pace. It sounds like that's what you are doing anyway. The 'without any expectations' can be tough though.

the_pink_panther_2

He wants to have his cake and eat it. He doesn't want you to meet anyone one else because that might take his cake away!

Think you're looking for an answer you're not going to get. Sorry.

dilemma10

FBaby wrote: »

Thanks. I can't remember what his past was like? Was he married or in a serious relationship before? When did it/the last one end.

I say that because I have heard it so many times from female and male friends (but more males) after going through a harsh separation/divorce that they won't ever do it again because it is not worth the heartache/trouble, but that's not counting with them falling in love again and instinctively wanting more than a casual relationship. Usually, they give in to the relationship in the end, but some do make the same mistakes over and over again, and think they are victims of bad luck when they are once again dumped.

If you really really like him and are committed, but don't give up, but do take it very very slowly without any expectations at all from him. Enjoy your life and let him come to you gradually at his pace. It sounds like that's what you are doing anyway. The 'without any expectations' can be tough though.

Thank you - one for 7 years which ended badly i.e. she said she did not love him anymore, about a 6 month break and then an 18 month relationship...which may I add, I think I reinforced the point that one was not working as, unfortunately there was a bit of a crossover in terms of we got a bit touchy-feely just as he was about to finish things with her.

God this does not look good does it.

Eeek.

FatVonD

dilemma10 wrote: »

Thank you so much as I think the other advice has been good but I think you are understanding the situation more.

I do think he is battling with his heart and mind.

For example he's set himself up a real little bachelor pad and now he relentlessly comments on 'yes it is rather bad isn't it', yes this is all I have and at my age etc. It's like he wanted all of this - big tv, beers on tap, then I came along and confused the issue a fair ol' bit and now he's trying to convince himself he still wants what he's worked hard for...?

Congratulations! You finally go the answer you wanted!

*Wanders off wondering why she bothered*

fabforty

FatVonD wrote: »

Congratulations! You finally go the answer you wanted!

*Wanders off wondering why she bothered*

On the bright side, at least now there's no need for OP to start a third thread on the subject .

eschaton

The guy isn't confused, he's just taking you for a ride (in more ways in one).

He wants to shag you with no committment. But you already know that and there was no need for yet another thread asking the same question.

He must think to himself - how many !!!!ing times do I need to tell her I don't want a relationship.