What's going on in this man's head: round 2

FatVonD

He's made it perfectly clear he doesn't want a relationship with you, you're not Mrs Right, you're Mrs alright for now and you're trying to convince yourself that his actions say there's more to it than there is.

His concerns about your holiday may well be that he's worried he's going to lose his 'benefits' or he could actually be worried about his own sexual health if he thinks you're going to be shagging around (not saying you are!)

marisco_2

dilemma10 wrote: »

Do I walk away?

We have been doing this for 3.5 months and he has said at least 3/4 times he does not want a relationship, at the same time he is clingy with me in terms of wants to see me every day...I am confused?

In answer to your question, yes I think you should call a day on this. The guy is not long out of a long term relationship. Your connection with him is a rebound thing. Understandably he is probably still very mixed up and confused about his feelings and emotions, and scared of getting involved with anyone else for fear of getting hurt again. He likes you and enjoys your company but is unable to commit to much more and just keeps sending confusing messages the whole time, no doubt to himself as much as to you. Move on from him and I hope you have a fabulous holiday.

JanCee

dilemma10 wrote: »

he does not want me to hate him as we have sex etc and that he enjoys my company a lot but that he does not want a relationship...?

This ^^^

As others have said, what is it that you want?

Any

FatVonD wrote: »

He's made it perfectly clear he doesn't want a relationship with you, you're not Mrs Right, you're Mrs alright for now and you're trying to convince yourself that his actions say there's more to it than there is.

His concerns about your holiday may well be that he's worried he's going to lose his 'benefits' or he could actually be worried about his own sexual health if he thinks you're going to be shagging around (not saying you are!)

Exactly this.
I really don't see why you would be confused.
He said number of times "I DO NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP" and then just because he shows some jealousy you suddenly thing he actually might love you and want one?

As long as you let him treat you like this, he will do.

Either you want a relationship - then walk away, or you are happy being friend with benefits, and then just be happy with it and stop questioning it.

It really is this simple.
(hard to see it when you are feeling like you are, but he is having his cake and eating it, so why would he stop or change anythng??)

TeamLowe

seems perfectly simple to me

this guy likes having a fool around with you whenever he wants and if you go away for two weeks he won't be able to and when you come back you might have some other bloke so he won't be able to again

it's basically like you're telling him you're taking away his xbox and may not give it back

Sorry if that sounds harsh but everyone is being nice about it and you're not listening.

you're a plaything to him. if he was a plaything to you, no problem. but you adore this bloke. big problem

silverwhistle

In the circumstances he's got no right to be jealous and all his questions and behaviour strike me as a little controlling or manipulative, even if he's undoubtedly fragile after another relationship. (I don't know why that ended..). I'd be worried that if you got in deeper this behaviour would also increase in intensity, so I'd be very, very wary.

shelley_crow

What's going on in his head?

He doesn't want to lose his sh@g piece for 2 weeks. Plus the possibility that you might find someone out there or come back with any STDs/pregnant.

Plus the fact he won't have you running around after him and pandering to his childish sulks.

Go on holiday, have a great time and forget this a -hole.

tea_lover

I genuinely don't get the confusion (or the need for an identical second thread). He's been perfectly honest about not wanting a relationship.

aileth

I'll put what I said in the first one.

If you are happy having a no-strings attached sexual relationship with him and you view it entirely as that, go for it.

He obviously has no idea about what he really wants and this will only end in hurt.

He has all the benefits and none of the negatives. He will string you on making you think that maybe a relationship could end up from all of this, but the week after you find out he's sh@gged twins from the local club and his response will be, "But we are only friends with benefits - why can't I sh@g them?" When you seem upset.

Instead of you both tiptoeing around each other both acting like neither of you has a clue about what you want, I really don't understand why you don't grab him by the balls and put the facts to him straight. If he says he's confused, leg it. If he says he wants a relationship and you also want one, give it a try, why not. If he says he just wants friends with benefits, then it's up to you what you want and you will have to stop trying to interpret his behaviour.

Edit: I also agree that he possibly sees you going on holiday, maybe meeting another bloke, form a relationship, and then he won't get his portable sh@g anymore because you're in an exclusive relationship with someone else. He won't be jealous because he wants to be in the position of your boyfriend, he's annoyed that he's not getting a free dinner anymore.

ostrichnomore_2

So he doesn't really want you, but thinks you should be committed to him anyway? Does that make any sense to you?

I think you need to get out of this. It doesn't seem to be making either of you happy overall.

I used to have a 'friends with benefits'. It only works if that's what you both want, you both accept that, and you don't try to manipulate/control the other person. To be honest I think men also have a bit of an ego thing going on - my FWB didn't want a relationship (and I didn't want one with him either) but he used to hate the idea of me actually getting a real boyfriend to replace him with. Tough. Her used to sometimes say things like 'you don't need anyone else, blah blah' and I used to actually laugh at him and tell him to shut up, this is not a relationship, this is nice, but it won't always be enough for me so of course it'll finish one day when I meet a nice new man. Made it clear. He wasn't really hurt, just trying it on as a bit of a jack the lad type. There are some men who love to ideally have a woman at their beck and call without having to put the effort/commitment in that comes with a relationship. If you can't laugh it off and put him in his place like I used to, get out, or you'll get hurt.

He's acting rather like a dumbass, to be frank.

Or sit and talk to him once and for all that it's time to
a) finish
b) him to shi t or get off the pot, as the saying goes. If he wants to be able to make any comment or have any influence over any aspect of your life whatsoever, he needs to be your boyfriend. At the moment, not being in a relationship with you, nothing is any of his business.