Can't stand my inlaws!

[Deleted User]

Admittedly haven't read through everyone's posts as so many but I did not like my in-laws and my husband was in the middle and when our marriage broke up it was brought up as being a reason for his affair. I don't think it is a good reason for an affair but it obviously festered and caused resentment when his father died. His parents were so heavily religious that it did sometimes feel intolerable tip toeing round them and you couldn't admit you'd see this film or watched Coronation Street, etc. You might have to decide really on your husband's happiness and your marriage and I can't tell you what to choose. If I could put the clock back I would have made more effort in that direction. I was glad to live 20 minutes drive from them is all I can say.

A lot of older people don't understand depression, etc and to be honest I'd like to think your husband would have said 'Mum, I know you don't understand but I know my wife and she's not a lazy person this is just caused by (temporary) depression. It's well recognised by drs, etc ...'

He could help both sides understand. You have the added dimension of a daughter to care for and whilst I personally think people should make more effort with their marriages having a step-daughter is an extra factor to think about for both of you. Is he the right man for you? How does he treat your daughter?

I'm totally with you on the treatment of your 12 year old and I think it is unacceptable to behave like that to her. She is a child and her future mental well being is dependent on being brought up in a caring family. I suppose I'd like to hear that your husband would take the lead on it and take his parents aside and say 'I have married, I chose this woman because I love her, etc I took on a child and this is my child and my responsibility and I'd like you to make the effort and treat her as mine and therefore the same as your natural grandchild. Otherwise, what was the point of marrying you? You were a package deal.

I wouldn't have considered it rocket science for the in-laws to do that personally.

Would you consider speaking to him and explaining how it makes you feel to see your daughter treated like that and asking him to speak to them? After all your daughter doesn't appear to have anyone else in her corner except you and that's not enough. She can see your loyalty is torn and probably wonders why she's not the most important person to you because kids don't understand that you might have more than one loyalty. I am of course presuming that she is a decent 12 year old and not the child from hell!

May be something like Relate - it isn't just marriage counselling as I understand it.

[Deleted User]

OMG just read some other bits - your poor daughter and poor you. I want to tell you to get away - move to the other side of the country. Ignore my above post I'm talking rubbish.

These people will poison both children out of spite and out of revenge.

They will gain access to their grandchild via their son and I doubt you can do much to prevent that.

You could consider having a look at a site like Wikivorce which deals with separation and divorce and might give you an idea of how things would pan out if you separated. However, I always feel it is a tread with caution site as many posters have their own agendas in respect of certain areas and tend to ignore a poster's personal circumstances in pursuance of their causes in my opinion.

CH27

You are blaming all your problems on your inlaws but IMO the problem is your husband.
He is emotionally abusing your eldest & you are letting him get away with it.

Seems your husband & his mother are two peas in a pod.

andygb

CH27 wrote: »

You are blaming all your problems on your inlaws but IMO the problem is your husband.
He is emotionally abusing your eldest & you are letting him get away with it.

Seems your husband & his mother are two peas in a pod.

I think that this is more a "team effort", they are despicable people:(

marisco_2

andygb wrote: »

I think that this is more a "team effort", they are despicable people:(

This made my blood run cold because you have hit the nail on the head. It is very common for people who abuse others to enlist the help of relatives in order to inflict abuse and keep the victims under control. I had this pointed out to me when it was happening to me years ago, and the horrifying realisation of what had been going on hit me like a ten ton truck.

OP I really hope that you are okay. Reading the well meant advice on this thread must have been so difficult for you, but I hope it has helped you to see things clearly and to seek support from people close to you that you can trust. Please come back on when you can and let us know how you are.

DKLS

Threads like this make me realise how fortunate I am, My inlaws are lovely and zero hassle.

The issue here is with the hubby, he needs a massive dose of MTFU and show where his loyalties lie. With his immediate family and not his parents.
OP you dont need to tolerate any toxic relationship in your life there is nothing that would make it worthwhile to keep these people in your life.

He reminds me of a mates ex-hubby, who barely acknowledged the 2 existing kids when "his child" came along, he was a total mummys boy and cowardly Muppet.

He made the mistake of hitting her, her best female and butcher than a prop forward friend found out and gave him a beating.

I was sat quietly in the pub when he came in and announced to the bar that he had fought off 3 muggers, he was getting plenty of sympathy and kudos, until I pointed out he had actually been beaten up by a lesbian for hitting his wife where he promptly "educated" why you should never hit a woman and barred from the pub.

TeamLowe

OP if I was you I would also be worried about what will happen when your youngest daughter is older - I wouldn't be sure she won't also be subject to the same abuse if she isn't exactly the way they want her to be, which is the 'problem' that you and your eldest daughter have

pigpen

Anon234 wrote: »

Yes she does, and I have spoken to her about it. She seems fine staying away, but I know Xmas and birthdays it does affect her when lorry loads of presents arrive for my you gets and she gets nothing.
However, this is my issue and I don't expect anything materially for my dd from them. Just some manners and niceness( even if they faked it)

I had this from my stepdads mum.

She would bring shed loads for my younger sister and a little less for the even younger one and I'd be lucky to get a hello, they are 10 and 14 years younger than me so a very similar age gap to your 2). In fact she spoke to me one time and I never responded because my presence was just not noted ever.. it is very hurtful and mean.

I'd simply do nothing too.. no contact, no cards, no calls, no mention, I'd live my life like they didn't exist.

missprice

pigpen wrote: »

I'd simply do nothing too.. no contact, no cards, no calls, no mention, I'd live my life like they didn't exist.

I have to do this with my OH parents and family
not because they are evil (although they could be) but because such trouble was caused when I met him and they did not like that fact.
they threatened him with saying hurtful things to me therefore he did not even invite me to family occasions.
as a result when I found out he was too (scared is the wrong word but cant think of better) I decided there and then that people who can do/say such things to a child they brought up are simply to be disliked.

so I never mention them and he invites me to things which I politely turn down and that is the end of the matter.
I no longer bother about them and never discuss them as OH cannot see my point so its a hiding to nothing.

it has taken a few years for me to be like this but life is much easier, and they only live maybe 20 min drive away so OH can go see whenever he wants and I say nothing about it, am not in the least interested then I cant be told what was said and get upset over it.

However one of my bug bears with them was my children were and still are not ever invited. well although mine are grown I still find that quite hurtful as they were not grown when I met him.

still for OP I think relate may help or a psychologist for husband may be better as behaviour like that is plain wrong

catkins

Anon234 wrote: »

He speaks to her several times a day so it's hard to get my side across without her whispering nastiness in his ear.

I'm sorry but I don't think it is normal for a grown man with a wife and 2 children to be speaking to his mum several times a day.

He needs to grow up and put you and the children first no matter how well he gets on with his mum. I can't believe he can't see what a nasty piece of work she is.