To text or not to text? That is the question

[Deleted User]

toffeentom wrote: »

Thanks. Feeling better about it all today. I'm not after a long term relationship particularly. I'd just as t like some male company and friendship.

The one relationship I've had since my divorce just came out of the blue. Not looked for and totally unexpected. But it was good to feel wanted again. I miss that

The trouble is on these dating sites you have to be very very wary. People aren't what they seem.
I went on a coffee meet, all went well, He said he was over his ex, I checked his Fbook page and he said hed deleted her etc etc. Told me a lot about himself, drinking bender he went on, his ex secretly drinking, that fact that he was living in a rented room in a house, the list goes on and on. Then the next day the day after we had meet and he said to me he wanted nothing to do with her and wanted out of that sort of life hed added his ex back on his Fbook page even though he was slating her.
Do I really want to get involved in all this? No, which is what I said to him from the start.
I am baggage free, child free, debt free etc etc don't drink (only socially) have no ex looming around. Im in a good place and just want to meet a normal guy. This guy said he was normal.
Sometimes when you join these sites you don't know what you could be letting yourself in for.
Ive deleted his number and moving on, because im in a great place at my stage of life but just want a NORMAL guy to share it with. Seems his normal isn't my normal.
Oh well onwards and upwards.

tinkerbell73

I have found a lot of the guys on these dating sites are on the rebound even though they don't realize it at the time. I have been divorced 5 years and had one serious relationship for 19 months in that time until he went back to his ex wife eeeek (long story) for the last 10 months i have dated from POF and every guy i have met has been lovely but on rebound. One I dated for 10 weeks we even went to Spain together, had an amazing time but when we got back he wants us to be friends rather than anything else because he suddenly realized actually he didn't want a gf in his life his kids and job are enough at the moment however when we first met he was sure he was ready for a relationship!

So i have decided to give dating a miss for a bit and am going out a lot with my local meetup group - good fun meeting loads of new people but no pressure or pretence.

I too am not sure where the normal guys are either - i am a normal girl self suficent, independant, apparently an amazing friend (so the last one says) but cant find a guy in the same place with his life

[Deleted User]

tinkerbell73 wrote: »

I have found a lot of the guys on these dating sites are on the rebound even though they don't realize it at the time. I have been divorced 5 years and had one serious relationship for 19 months in that time until he went back to his ex wife eeeek (long story) for the last 10 months i have dated from POF and every guy i have met has been lovely but on rebound. One I dated for 10 weeks we even went to Spain together, had an amazing time but when we got back he wants us to be friends rather than anything else because he suddenly realized actually he didn't want a gf in his life his kids and job are enough at the moment however when we first met he was sure he was ready for a relationship!

So i have decided to give dating a miss for a bit and am going out a lot with my local meetup group - good fun meeting loads of new people but no pressure or pretence.

I too am not sure where the normal guys are either - i am a normal girl self suficent, independant, apparently an amazing friend (so the last one says) but cant find a guy in the same place with his life

God, reading what you have just wrote you could be me...
Ive too met a man that wanted to be with me, that lasted 6 weeks when he decided he wanted to be single after just splitting from his ex that was last year.
Fast forward to when I met guy 4) same situation, de ja vu. Im not even going there this time. I can see the ending before its started on that one.
I agree they don't seem to think they are on the rebound but a lot are.
Im like you very happy in my life, got everything I need, in friends, a nice home, family grown up, don't drink you know Normal haha.
Ive been told im too picky, but actually im not at all. Either the men ive met want to fast forward me into the bedroom, no doubt ide be fast forwarded out the door if I went down that route (which I wont) or they've got too much commitments when it comes to exs families and jobs.

tinkerbell73

When i split with mt ex husband i took 2 years out of dating to spend time with the kids and get myself sorted (had a friend who i had known for years who stayed in the background but we went out for meals etc no promises no expectations but i had male company ) I started dating once i felt ready and guy 1 had only been out of his marriage for a short time but swept me off my feet was everything my ex wasn't (so i thought) and i let him move way to quickly we lived together for a year until 1 day he woke up and said i am going back to my ex wife (she had cheated on him but had in mean time broken up with the man she left him for) He never had dealt with the breakup even though they were divorced and both lived with other people.

So have been very careful - the latest was adement they had been split for long enough he was over her and was ready to move on - then i found out they still lived in the same house but on different floors (ok i thought she has a bf a lot of couples do it) He booked the Spain break totally romantic and then we get back the ex has moved out and suddenly he decided he is a better friend then bf - as i pointed out i have friends already ........

Oh well think I bit of a break is called for just can't be bothered with it all at the moment.

SandC

You two could be me also! I have waited a long, long time to feel happy and comfortable enough with my life to want to let someone in to share it. A friend recommended a friend of hers and we had the most fab date I can't begin to tell you and I wasn't imagining the spark we had. BUT, it went downhill from there and seems his 'head is in a shed' and just not ready for anything...

Timing, it seems, can be an absolute !!!!!!.... but as so often happens he strung me along with the 'can you be patient, I don't want to mess you around' but not actually saying 'look the time is wrong for me, see ya'.

But ah well I did it for him after I went on hols for a fortnight I thought as I don't go on facebook at all when I go away he'd realise whether or not he wanted to see me or not by the time I got back... and I got precisely nothing so I texted him telling him I was moving on.

It's hard not to get high hopes but I'm still in my good place, happy on my own but open to someone that floats my boat.

[Deleted User]

Im feeling the same as you.... very despondent.
Met a few guys... which I don't have trouble doing at all.
Im very careful with what I disclose and meet them on my terms. But each one has put me off to a point where im now honestly feeling im better off without a man.
But I want the company on days out etc when all my married friends are busy.
I don't keep in contact with any exs ive had (only the father of my children) then we speak very rarely as we don't need to now.
I just don't want anyone elses baggage. I can deal with obvious day to day things, but the men ive met seem to thrive on the drama of their past exs or their careers or jobs are too busy for any commitments or the others just want s*x.
Then they put on their profiles theyre looking someone like me.
One guy put it as the men seem to Punch above there own weight when it comes to what they want and what they can give in reality.
And this is why im very very wary and careful about who I do meet or chat to on these sites.
I wont be pushed to giving my number, or meeting or anything until im comfortable and even then ive found it can be a complete waste of my time, especially this last meet up I went on.

paulineb_2

I dont think internet dating is much different to dating offline, if someone isnt what they seem to be, it will be the same in real life too

Its just the kid in the sweet shop thing, people have lots of options and some people can be very casual about the way they treat people

I dont do casual dating, I either date or I dont and from past dating experiences I'll take my time getting to know people.

And yes, some people come with 3 suitcases full of baggage.

[Deleted User]

I don't do casual dating either, but I have changed my mindset about messaging only one at a time.
I now am messaging 4, ive met 4 (all of those are no nos), but only as coffee meet ups, which I don't class as dates.
If I did meet someone I liked I wouldn't keep in contact with any other men, which is seems a lot of men of these sites do.
I also take my time in finding out more about them. So many women jump in and men too and then find out that they shouldn't have.

SandC

From how I've seen it with friends who do internet dating (and generally enjoy it for a while, in a going out and doing stuff kind of way) is that things seem to be quite intense from a texting/emailing/social networking front. The 'date' if it gets that far seems to be the point at which quite often it's decided that the interest isn't there - instead of how I see a date as the opportunity to get to know someone.

I readily avoid too much in the way of texting before having a date with someone as with the best will in the world it's easy to be really interesting and funny and exactly what the other party wants to hear when it isn't one to one communication.

That's just my take on it however from the outside looking in.

My despondency has come from partly my friend being so disappointed as in her words 'you are perfect for each other' but he seems to have had a sudden mid life crisis come over him and has changed overnight apparently!

[Deleted User]

That's why I try and set up a coffee meet or a lunchtime meet with them within a week of contact on the dating site.
That's if I feel there is a connection. Ive messaged more than 4 obviously, but some slide off the scale and don't reply for what ever reasons they have, or I don't them etc.
Feelings change and unlike in the beginning where I used to get all excited and think yes this could be the one I now just go to meet them with no expectations and if I only come away from it knowing that's what I don't want that's a step forward to the next one. Its all a learning curve.