How do I curb wife's spending

saterkey

my feeling is that she is like a child, whinge, react, stomp and basically make your life crappy until they get what they want and you give in, you seem to do this every time, as a parent you do it to get some peace like chocs in a supermarket say, they know if works that you will still love them even though they get what they want and acted a spoilt brat.

Correlation to your situation, you have let her get away with too much, she has an amount she doesn't get more from you. you both get on board with the finances, we have 200 each per month for our spends, out of this is social, sport, pension, and spends, luxuries and clothes come out of this too. This is tight 300 is more reasonable if you can afford it, but we don't go in for designer stuff.

sounds like you are better off alone, I hate to say it, for peace and your sanity, make a break, separate the finances, now your daughter is 18 there should be no need to support her and your wife should be able to get by herself on her job and money work out her own bills, and debts, as I imagine most of the debts your paying off are hers anyway.

sorry it sounds like your her ticket to an easy life.

triple_choc_chip

Hmmm, you've shot yourself in the foot by asking for some of the budget money back and then spending it on alcohol. Therefore putting your choice of spends on a par with hers.

You had money, you decided the budget and you gave her the food budget for the month - job done. Why oh why did you then ask her for some of it back? If you needed cash you could have 'borrowed' it from one of your envelopes in the secret cash tin.

I would suggest you refund the remaining £13 to her to re-instate her monthly budget and negate the power she now has to hold this over you when she runs out of funds (because you drank it and p***ed it away, I can hear her saying it already )

Growurown

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

Things are not improving at the moment. Wife is not speaking to me. I spent yesterday alone. When my eldest daughter got home from work my wife took her out for ice creams. My youngest daughter was out with friends.
I asked my wife to leave me some money in case I popped out. So left me £30. I decided to go for a couple of drinks.On her way home my wife stopped and we all met up the 4 of us together, my wife ordered a coffee. When I got home I put the change on the dressing table. I had spent £17 in total including her coffee.
Oh my god did she go crazy saying I have just spent that to teach her a lesson and that money is for the family. I tried to point out but this is what it's like for me trying to manage the money. I said to her again I just don't think she realises how much she goes through a week. She always asks for far more than she needs promising the change but I never see any. I was really shocked over her reaction over spending £17. I do not drink very often,that was first alcoholic drink in 5 weeks. No one in the family smokes either.
The anger is all coming from me not apologising and that she is really hurt.
I really am at my wits end. I will make sure I not ask her again.
Today so far on my own again. She has gone back to bed,so I have now come out on my own with a packed lunch and flask of tea.

Sorry to hear this PNA. I don't have any answers here, your wife's behaviour seems totally over the top. When we were going through a similar situation several years ago the only way we could sort it out was to have completely separate financial arrangements. We both contributed towards the household bills but after that our money was our own and we could spend it how we liked.

Karonher

Replacing the money sounds like a good idea. If nothing else you can always insist that she repays what she borrows.

If it does become an incident that is used against you it will be the chance to point out that she is getting annoyed over one incident when she does the same thing time and time again. If can also be pointed out that you put her in your position for once - the person providing extra money - and she did the same thing that she complains about you doing - wanting it back or complaining about its use.

maman

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

....so I have now come out on my own with a packed lunch and flask of tea.

Well done, very mse!:T

I know it's hard but you have to stand firm. This is all about trying to get her own way. There's a plan in place and you must stick to it. After monitoring for a month, any changes need to be for the better (that's financially better not to appease your wife).

I think maybe I need to read back on what you've agreed. Previously you and your wife had an allowance for personal spending. I think that was £50 a week? Now she is managing a £300 a month budget for groceries and effectively can spend some of it on herself if there's any 'left over'.

So did you borrow £30 from your wife as a cash advance because your own 'allowance' was all gone until Monday (and so will be paying her back tomorrow)? Or was it a case of as the whole family was involved the £17 was a legitimate expenditure from the grocery money?

My DH and I have a 'petty cash' tin at home for such expenditures. While we pay most of our bills by CC and then sort them out between us when the statements come in there is the need for cash for some things. What we'd have done yesterday is paid the bill from our own money and then reimbursed ourselves when we got home. Sadly, that wouldn't work for you at the moment as I don't think you can trust your wife not to raid the tin.

I don't really understand why your wife is 'extra' angry with you (other than the crafty thing). If it's for spending grocery money on booze then I think she's being petty as surely if you're in a caf!/bar anyone should be able to order what they want. If it's for choosing to spend your own allowance on booze and treating your family then that's your choice. Your wife has come in for a great deal of criticism on here for wasting money on coffee. That's my opinion too BUT I do defend her right to do that if that's what she wants from her allowance. I think maybe it was a mistake to say she could treat herself from the grocery budget but I suppose if she is frugal enough to buy all your groceries with £300 she deserves the 'carrot' of keeping anything she saves.

Enjoy your picnic!:)

Pay_no_attention

Karonher wrote: »

Replacing the money sounds like a good idea. If nothing else you can always insist that she repays what she borrows.

If it does become an incident that is used against you it will be the chance to point out that she is getting annoyed over one incident when she does the same thing time and time again. If can also be pointed out that you put her in your position for once - the person providing extra money - and she did the same thing that she complains about you doing - wanting it back or complaining about its use.

I could quite easily replace the £17, my incident is not and will not be a regular occurrence it was a bit of a one off as was feeling a bit low,I had been on my own most of the day and just wanted to get out of the house for a bit, I had two rum and cokes and then a coffee so was not going out to get drunk, just to relax a little.
When we discussed the family budget it's intentions were for. Eh grocery shopping or coffees out etc.
I was in no way trying to prove a point or teach her a lesson. But now looking at it £17 seems a lot out of the £75 per week budget so I will return it.

Mojisola

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

When my eldest daughter got home from work my wife took her out for ice creams. My youngest daughter was out with friends.

I asked my wife to leave me some money in case I popped out. So left me £30. I decided to go for a couple of drinks.

On her way home my wife stopped and we all met up the 4 of us together, my wife ordered a coffee. When I got home I put the change on the dressing table. I had spent £17 in total including her coffee.

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

I was in no way trying to prove a point or teach her a lesson. But now looking at it £17 seems a lot out of the £75 per week budget so I will return it.

So some of that £17 was spent on your wife's coffee?

And how much did she spend when she went out for ice creams?

Pay_no_attention

maman wrote: »

Well done, very mse!:T

I know it's hard but you have to stand firm. This is all about trying to get her own way. There's a plan in place and you must stick to it. After monitoring for a month, any changes need to be for the better (that's financially better not to appease your wife).

I think maybe I need to read back on what you've agreed. Previously you and your wife had an allowance for personal spending. I think that was £50 a week? Now she is managing a £300 a month budget for groceries and effectively can spend some of it on herself if there's any 'left over'.

So did you borrow £30 from your wife as a cash advance because your own 'allowance' was all gone until Monday (and so will be paying her back tomorrow)? Or was it a case of as the whole family was involved the £17 was a legitimate expenditure from the grocery money?

My DH and I have a 'petty cash' tin at home for such expenditures. While we pay most of our bills by CC and then sort them out between us when the statements come in there is the need for cash for some things. What we'd have done yesterday is paid the bill from our own money and then reimbursed ourselves when we got home. Sadly, that wouldn't work for you at the moment as I don't think you can trust your wife not to raid the tin.

I don't really understand why your wife is 'extra' angry with you (other than the crafty thing). If it's for spending grocery money on booze then I think she's being petty as surely if you're in a caf!/bar anyone should be able to order what they want. If it's for choosing to spend your own allowance on booze and treating your family then that's your choice. Your wife has come in for a great deal of criticism on here for wasting money on coffee. That's my opinion too BUT I do defend her right to do that if that's what she wants from her allowance. I think maybe it was a mistake to say she could treat herself from the grocery budget but I suppose if she is frugal enough to buy all your groceries with £300 she deserves the 'carrot' of keeping anything she saves.

Enjoy your picnic!:)

I am enjoying my picnic thanks. I got my deck chair,my Sunday paper,my music and my ipad. Sitting here in the park on a lovely day.
Just to clarify we are still in receipt of the £50 each weekly allowance. I don't really use mine and often its saved up and then I might have a big splurge. Other than that its spent on the family. My wife hates the fact I save mine and usually have the funds to make a large purchase,hers is spent up on a weekly basis.
I don't want it ending up a tit for tat regarding this £17 so on this occasion think I will return it as I do not think she was fully clear on what we was using the £300 for.

Pay_no_attention

Mojisola wrote: »

So some of that £17 was spent on your wife's coffee?

And how much did she spend when she went out for ice creams?

Yes some was spent on my wife's coffee, and I did not ask how much was on ice creams (it was frozen yogurts actually) I think they are about £3.50 each.

matttye

saterkey wrote: »

This is tight 300 is more reasonable if you can afford it, but we don't go in for designer stuff.

I spend £100 max most months on 'bits' (drinks, random bits at the shop like chewing gum/drinks/snacks/whatever, days out, etc.), usually not even that, and I'm not even in debt. Some months I spend more of course.

I think £200 is PLENTY.