How do I curb wife's spending

Pay_no_attention

I'm looking for any ideas how I can curb my wife's addiction to shopping.
A little background information first. I previously had a very successful business that was forced into liquidation nearly 6 years back. I struggled to recover from this and me and my wife separated. I moved abroad and secured a job, was not on brilliant money but was surviving. In 2008 had over 75k of debt was living alone in a foreign country and not only separated from my wife but my two lovely children.
My wife ended up on benefits which must have been really hard for her,I continued to pay the mortgage on the house in the UK and send whatever spare money I could to support the kids.
Anyway fast forwarding to 2012 we had a reconciliation, we rented out our UK home and we are now all living together again. I had managed to pay off 25k of the debt in the 4 years we was apart.
Now we are living together again I have noticed my wife's habit of non stop spending mainly on herself but also persuades me to go out to restaurants,coffee bars etc. Probably to the tune of £200 per week going out. Before we moved back in together I was so focused on paying off the debt,now it all seems to be coming to a standstill.
I give her £50 per week to spend on what she likes for herself but its just not enough for her. On top of this she asks me for money to stop for lunch or coffees with the kids.
Now I have noticed money to start to go missing from the money I set aside for the bills. I have asked in the past if she will manage the money but she refuses then complains to me that I'm being tight or controlling. I'm still paying for everything for my 19 daughter even though she works full time. If I mention it to my wife it causes arguments which I don't want.
It's all putting a tremendous strain on me, I already suffer from high blood pressure.
Any ideas anyone?

elsien

Does she actually understand your joint financial situation? Maybe the two of you need to sit down and go through a household budget so she can see there are valid reasons for holding back, and it's not just you being a control freak. And you are also giving out mixed messages by being "persuaded" to go to restaurants. She's probably thinking that you do have the money, you just don't want to spend it.
You can't "stop" her from doing anything - she needs to be on board with the reasons why. Communication is the key to this.

Ditto with your daughter - maybe get her to have a look at how much of her wages it would cost her to live independently, then negotiate what board and lodge you think is fair. When you say you are paying for everything for her, I presume that doesn't mean clothes etc? If you do a search there's been a number of threads about how much to charge adult children for being at home - it really does depend on your individual circumstances and beliefs.

dawyldthing

I'd tell the 19 year old the bank of dad is now closed and she needs to start fending for herself, but if she wants to save towards a mortgage possibly if you can afford it you will match half again and put it in a pot if it will save you long term. for the wife sounds like you need a heart to heart that you really do only have x amount per month and she needs to budget if she wants to go out as often

Pay_no_attention

With reference to daughter I am referring to mobile phone, petrol,insurance.
She starts uni in September so new laptop. Flights back to UK. All her food and living expenses. If we go out to dinner I pick up the bill for all of us.

cte1111

Whilst your daughter is working, I would expect her to pay for her own phone, petrol and other car expenses. I'd hope that she would also save some of her income to pay for the same when she goes back to university and to buy a laptop.

Well done for paying such a big chunk off your debts. You really need to go through your income, debts and available money with your wife, so she realises why you both can't afford to spend too much until your debts are paid off.

Pay_no_attention

I have sat down with her in the past and explained how much debt we are in and how I am repaying it. She is under the illusion I think that what money we have coming in is all ours to spend.
I have tried to explain we need to concentrate on paying our debts off and we must stop spending so much.
When you have been in a position of having a lot then losing a lot I am determined for it never to happen again and have become quite savvy.
I want to get this debt cleared then start putting some away for retirement but can not just see it ever happening. I just feel I'm banging my head against the wall because whatever I do to save money it's being spent in other ways.

Growurown

I was in a similar situation several years ago. I managed the money and OH just spent it, and it was always me having to say no all the time, we can't afford it when he wanted something. What made it worse was that he earns a really good wage so felt he had a right to spend that money. It caused a lot of arguments and for the sake of peace I just let it carry on. Things got so bad we had to start a debt management plan and now have a tight budget to live within so he has to as well.

I wish I had been much firmer with our finances. By letting him carry on we got into a really big mess, so I guess what I am saying is that you have to take control of this situation before it gets worse.

Sit down and talk to your wife and daughter, explain the financial situation and tell them how you are going to proceed. They may not like it but you can't change it. What you earn is finite, it can't stretch to cover such an extravagant lifestyle and they need to learn to live within their means. I don't see how they can argue with the financial facts and you need to be firm.

Your daughter needs to contribute as well. You aren't doing her any favours - she needs to learn the value of her money too.

Pay_no_attention

Last week we had major row because i suggested my daughter pay for her own flight back to UK to start uni. I have already paid for a return flight for my wife so she can settle her in.
That went down like a lead balloon,yet my daughter is ordering new clothing etc from Internet for herself.
The £500 I have spent on flights would have been a nice chunk off our debts.
My wife does not see it that way and said its unfair to expect her to pay as she is leaving home etc.
So of course I have ended up paying for everyone.

Growurown

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

I have sat down with her in the past and explained how much debt we are in and how I am repaying it. She is under the illusion I think that what money we have coming in is all ours to spend.

Why is she under this illusion when you have explained the situation to her? Does she think the debts don't have to be paid back?

If she can't or won't get to grips with the financial situation then I would not allow her any access to the money. Set up her own bank account and you pay into that her share of the budget and let her got on with it. If she asks for more just say there are no funds available until the debts are paid.

AMILLIONDOLLARS

Why not do a spreadsheet to show your wife and daughter where the money is going, see is believing! Do your budget and stick to it. Has your wife got her own credit cards? Do you know what the limits are on them and how much is owed? if not, these will also need to be included in the plan. Until you know the full picture you don't know how bad things really are.

Time to sit down and talk about EVERYTHING!

Sounds like your wife is still under the illusion that you still own your own company.

AMD

Dimey

Are you scared if you don't keep paying out that your wife will leave you?

If she really would leave you then she's only with you for the money and you're better off apart.

You need to say NO. Every week show your wife what your income is, what your expenses are and what you've paid in interest on your £25k debt.

That will keep the reality in her head. Show what her unnecessary expenses are doing. Work out how much longer it will take to pay off the debt if she keeps spending at this rate.

Start talking about having to move to a cheaper rental property if she doesn't curb her ways.

Find fun things to do that don't cost money so you stay happy together.

You and she have to be stronger together otherwise you'll end up back where you started.