How do I curb wife's spending

Pay_no_attention

Well she arrived home with just a small bag of groceries. Bit of fresh fruit and salad.
The worrying part is they drove 20 plus miles to our nearest shopping centre and my youngest daughter now has two new dresses. They was apparently in the sale for £10 each but I've not dared asked who has paid. My daughter would have had that kind of money so their is a chance she has paid for them herself.
I don't want to rock the boat by asking after only two days but would be annoyed If my wife has purchased them.

ViolaLass

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

...but I've not dared asked who has paid. My daughter would have had that kind of money so their is a chance she has paid for them herself.
I don't want to rock the boat by asking after only two days but would be annoyed If my wife has purchased them.

Surely it's OK, provided it came out of your wife's personal money and not the grocery budget.

Pay_no_attention

ViolaLass wrote: »

Surely it's OK, provided it came out of your wife's personal money and not the grocery budget.

Sorry that's what I meant. I hope it's not come out of the grocery money.
I know she has none of her own money left that's why she been asking for more. We normally have it on a Monday morning so it sees us through the week.

ViolaLass

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

Sorry that's what I meant. I hope it's not come out of the grocery money.
I know she has none of her own money left that's why she been asking for more. We normally have it on a Monday morning so it sees us through the week.

It was said a little tongue-in-cheek - my concern is the same as yours!

TheFactory

Wow - just wow!

I feel both sad and frustrated with you and your wife after reading this diary. I hope you realise (and I say this in the nicest possible way) that you are just as much to blame as her? You seem like a really nice guy that came into a bit of bad luck and you are really trying to get back on your feet but you are not helping yourself with the way you cave in to her. The initial steps you have taken are great and they seem like a good way to proceed with her but you need to stick to your guns. When she text you and said she had been pathetic you should of agreed with her and told her unless she changes her attitude your finances AND relationship are not sustainable in the long term.

You need to try your hardest to be strong with her, if you have a weak mind she will bend you to her will.

P.S - the people on here suggesting he should leave his wife should be ashamed of themselves - he has a teenage daughter he needs to be there for, he also clearly loves his wife (dispite her challenging behavoir) he is not here for relationship advise, he wants to know how he can convert a shopper to a saver!

Mojisola

TheFactory wrote: »

P.S - the people on here suggesting he should leave his wife should be ashamed of themselves - he has a teenage daughter he needs to be there for, he also clearly loves his wife (dispite her challenging behavoir) he is not here for relationship advise, he wants to know how he can convert a shopper to a saver!

But if she's unwilling to change, it's not fair to expect him to battle her overspending for the rest of his life.

Sometimes it's okay to say I tried my best but can't carry on like this.

TheFactory

Mojisola wrote: »

But if she's unwilling to change, it's not fair to expect him to battle her overspending for the rest of his life.

Sometimes it's okay to say I tried my best but can't carry on like this.

That is entirely true and correct, however we only have a snippet of info - we have no idea about this man's entire situation so it would be unethical to advise him to leave his wife. If it comes to that it needs to be a decision he comes to on his own, not from a bunch of people who are sat behind keyboards with no idea of whats really going on.

Mojisola

TheFactory wrote: »

That is entirely true and correct, however we only have a snippet of info - we have no idea about this man's entire situation so it would be unethical to advise him to leave his wife. If it comes to that it needs to be a decision he comes to on his own, not from a bunch of people who are sat behind keyboards with no idea of whats really going on.

There's quite a lot of information given if you read the whole thread.

fudgecat

PNA - thank you for clarifying your wife`s employment and apologies if my reply about The Doll`s House seemed abrupt. I was called away from the computer and have only just got back! The plot of The Doll`s House is frequently misunderstood as a feminist tract (usually by those who have not read it thoroughly or, in the case of Ninjasavingkat , not at all). The point that the play makes is that the wife has willingly regressed into an infantile state and that the husband has colluded in this by taking up a parental role. Both parties are at fault in the marriage, as they have taken up unequal roles. Another contributor made a similar point very well. The only solution suggested in the play is the wife starting to behave as an adult - to do this she has to leave. I am not suggesting that this is the only course of action, or the correct one for your situation.
Your wife`s behaviour is that of a naughty teenager - in fact I wonder if she belongs to the "my daughter is not a daughter, but my best friend" brigade? It does not sound as if she is providing a suitable role model to your daughters, or that they are receiving the right messages from her about money and mature behaviour, or about healthy well-balanced relationships from either of you.
I do sympathise with your situation as you must feel desperately lonely as the only functioning adult in the household. A policy of appeasement and tiptoeing around hurt feelings will not last. A manipulative partner, who behaves in a dishonest and immature way is going to have to realise that actions have consequences - something that should have been learnt from age 11 onwards. It would be interesting to know what your wife`s relationship was with her own father - did daddy provide and facilitate everything? Has she learned to expect this from men? Did you find this dependence attractive early on in your marriage? Many of us like to feel wanted and relied upon and we like to be providers, but as the The Doll`s House explored, this can tip into a parent/child relationship that is far from healthy.
This may seem very far from practical help in your immediate situation, but I suspect attitude to money is merely a symptom of something much more fundamental.

Dimey

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

It was the one word I did not want to use.
She had mentioned during the argument that day "it's not your money,its our money" I said yes but that particular money was allocated to pay our rent so in effect it's not our money anymore its the landlords. It's me who has to try and find it from somewhere else to replace it.

You have to think fast on your feet when you're talking with your wife don't you? . She claims the debt & bills are not for her head to worry about but now she claims "it's our money".

Well if she agrees "its our money" then "we pay the bills" and "we clear the debts"

I like the idea of passing the landlord on to your wife. You could ask your landlord to do you a favour. Say you'll pay the rent so no need to apply the 20% but first, (don't tell my wife I will definitely pay you) - please phone my wife to get the rent as I've told you she has this month's rent money.

See the reaction. Make the point. Only pay the landlord if she doesn't pay and tell her you are loaning it to her from her next month's personal allowance.

As for your wife saying - if you don't apologise, it will mean you really think her crafty. Stand up for yourself. Tell her YES that's right I really think WHAT YOU DID was crafty. And that's the kind way of saying you took rent money from the family secretly without discussing with your loved ones and spent it on yourself.

You need to keep spelling out the error of her ways until she learns what is expected of her and how to behave under the circumstances you are all in.

Love what you did with the cash box and envelopes