How do I curb wife's spending

silverwhistle

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

She has ran up her own card debts with which she has payment arrangements for which at the moment I'm paying.

Eh? Have you mentioned that before on here? What is she doing to help that particular situation?

And how do you get to spend so much money on coffees? All the European countries I know where cash rules have cheap coffee (Italy, Spain, Greece...) and it's not as if it's the £3 in Costa Bucks you have in the UK.

silverwhistle

Dimey wrote: »

Well if she agrees "its our money" then "we pay the bills" and "we clear the debts"

"Yes, our money and our debts".

(Re my previous comment, I'm not sure how much coffees are in Cyprus, mind...)

TheFactory

Mojisola wrote: »

There's quite a lot of information given if you read the whole thread.

Ive read the whole thread thanks and I don't see any reason to reccomend him to leave his wife - this is MSE not Relate.

Caroline_a

I've watched this thread for a few days. In my eyes unfortunately there is a huge elephant in the room. OP, I know you and your wife split up and then got back together again, but from what I can see she was only doing it for the financial benefits.

A woman who behaves as you have described, sometimes in detail, does not love you. The continuous sniping, turning the blame back to you so that she (in her eyes, and unfortunately, the childrens') is totally blameless.

She is unwilling to work with you, in fact positively works against you in a deliberate way that she knows will upset you and wind you up. She behaves like a petulant teenager when things don't go her way and, unfortunately, because you love her, you allow it. It's called enabling, and as long as you enable this behaviour it will continue.

I understand that you hate conflict - most people do, me included - but she knows this too, hence is manipulating the situation, a little like a child who wears down the parent trying to say no, to eventually get their own way.

This is not a marriage or a partnership. This is using and bullying. I think you have to call her bluff. At the moment you don't trust her at all with money, and for heavens' sake, she's an adult and has to take responsibility too. The example she is setting to her girls is simply shocking. Will they behave like this with their husbands? In which case they may find themselves very quickly divorced! (and then back scrounging off Dear Old Dad!)

What would happen to them all (heaven forbid) if you suddenly became too ill to work, or if you died? Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind - and the moment you are being kind but (long-term) being cruel.

I wouldn't get involved in big arguments, even if she tries to push them. Walk away from them. Act disinterested and if she says she wants more money, simply say no, we cannot afford it. End of. Same with daughters. By giving in to financial pressure you are being increasingly bullied in your own house. Don't let this happen - you seem too nice a chap to have to endure this misery.

killerpeaty

I've been lurking and haven't seen anyone else give you this information, so apologies so this is something that has already been said or you already know.

Your daughter (assuming she is doing the standard 3-4 year bachelors) will not be living in halls from her second year onwards. The vast majority of student landlords will require either a UK based guarantor or the full year of rent up-front. Will you have someone to be her guarantor? The landlord will almost certainly not accept you as it would be difficult to chase you for any lost rent and the university almost certainly won't act as guarantor in your absence. This is an issue that I know a lot of students have so it's really important that you and your daughter prepare for it now. (As a guide from my own uni experience, we started looking for second year houses from November and got the house by the end of January, this then required a deposit and the first rent or full rent by around August).

I'm sorry that you are having issues, I hope everything gets better for you and your family soon.

Mojisola

TheFactory wrote: »

Ive read the whole thread thanks and I don't see any reason to reccomend him to leave his wife - this is MSE not Relate.

That's your view - that's fine. There are many threads on this board about relationships and how to handle problems - it's not just for money saving issues.

Pay no attention isn't going to blindly follow any suggestions made on here - he is gathering a range of views from a lot of people who have their own opinions which are no doubt coloured by their varying experiences. He will choose the ones that make sense to him.

Growurown

Hi PNA

I haven't got an advice to add, I think it has all been said, but hoping that things are starting to get better for you and your family.

Pay_no_attention

killerpeaty wrote: »

I've been lurking and haven't seen anyone else give you this information, so apologies so this is something that has already been said or you already know.

Your daughter (assuming she is doing the standard 3-4 year bachelors) will not be living in halls from her second year onwards. The vast majority of student landlords will require either a UK based guarantor or the full year of rent up-front. Will you have someone to be her guarantor? The landlord will almost certainly not accept you as it would be difficult to chase you for any lost rent and the university almost certainly won't act as guarantor in your absence. This is an issue that I know a lot of students have so it's really important that you and your daughter prepare for it now. (As a guide from my own uni experience, we started looking for second year houses from November and got the house by the end of January, this then required a deposit and the first rent or full rent by around August).

I'm sorry that you are having issues, I hope everything gets better for you and your family soon.

No I did not know this. This is the first experience of one of our family going to university. My daughter has got halls for the first year. The deposit has been sent for that.
Can grandparents be the guarantors as both sets are still alive and well? If this is not possible then I have another future problem on my hands.

Pay_no_attention

Growurown wrote: »

Hi PNA

I haven't got an advice to add, I think it has all been said, but hoping that things are starting to get better for you and your family.

Things are not improving at the moment. Wife is not speaking to me. I spent yesterday alone. When my eldest daughter got home from work my wife took her out for ice creams. My youngest daughter was out with friends.
I asked my wife to leave me some money in case I popped out. So left me £30. I decided to go for a couple of drinks.On her way home my wife stopped and we all met up the 4 of us together, my wife ordered a coffee. When I got home I put the change on the dressing table. I had spent £17 in total including her coffee.
Oh my god did she go crazy saying I have just spent that to teach her a lesson and that money is for the family. I tried to point out but this is what it's like for me trying to manage the money. I said to her again I just don't think she realises how much she goes through a week. She always asks for far more than she needs promising the change but I never see any. I was really shocked over her reaction over spending £17. I do not drink very often,that was first alcoholic drink in 5 weeks. No one in the family smokes either.
The anger is all coming from me not apologising and that she is really hurt.
I really am at my wits end. I will make sure I not ask her again.
Today so far on my own again. She has gone back to bed,so I have now come out on my own with a packed lunch and flask of tea.

Mojisola

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

When I got home I put the change on the dressing table. I had spent £17 in total including her coffee.

Oh my god did she go crazy saying I have just spent that to teach her a lesson and that money is for the family. I tried to point out but this is what it's like for me trying to manage the money.

I said to her again I just don't think she realises how much she goes through a week. She always asks for far more than she needs promising the change but I never see any.

I was really shocked over her reaction over spending £17.

I'm not. It's a common tactic used by passive-aggresive people - control other people's behaviour by making them feel guilty and punish them by not talking/physically withdrawing/sulking.