How do I curb wife's spending

AlwaysHappy

Thanks for the update, sounds like you are hopefully moving things forward at last, though I hope you aren't going to apologise - you haven't done anything wrong and you always seem as if you are put on the back foot so to speak. I really hope you can stand your ground, it seems as if you have approached it far more sensitively than I would have done, but then, you know the parties. I too think 3-4 coffees is ridiculous when you are in so much debt. Thats not a treat by anyones expectations. Anyway, hope this is the turning point for you all.

markdebby

Hope all goes well and no apologies needed as far as I can see.
:T

maddiemay

Good news, but please, please do not apologise.

You might wish to say something along the lines of " I understand that this is all very difficult for you, but unless we tackle it and sort things out now, I cannot face the thought of where we might end up if we just continue as we have been"

It sounds as if there is hope for your daughter for the future too.

Dimey

Thanks for the update. Well done.

I don't think you should apologise as you'll lose all the credibility you've built so far. Don't blow it. You have nothing to apologise for. She was being crafty and that's the polite way of saying it. Don't let her manipulate you into feeling it's your fault. It's her duty to apologise to you but clearly her self-centred self won't do that. Let it drop without saying anything. Distract her by doing something fun for nothing at the weekend.

Personally I think you should have shown your wife how the £300 could have affected the interest you pay on your loan. I think that would have helped her comprehend why you are taking control. At the moment she still thinks you are unfairly picking on her.

Anyway, step at a time.

maman

I read through your thread yesterday up to the cliff hanger where we were all waiting for an update.

Please don't take this as idle curiosity. These boards are full of people who have been in your position but have come out the other side and as converts are very keen to spread the DFW word and offer all the advice and support they can.

I think you've been extremely fair and generous with your wife. It's a start but you must build on it. I agree with those that say don't apologise as that's like admitting she was right to take the money and she definitely wasn't. Your marriage needs to be a partnership with both of you taking responsibility for the debts and the spending. I do have some sympathy with her but she doesn't seemed to have grasped that while there's light at the end of the tunnel, you're not there yet.

I'd like to think that she will be careful to manage on the £300, there's a good chance although it's possible she'll want to buy bits and bobs and treats for your DD going away. I think she's likely to spend right up to the limit. If she comes back for more I think you should make it a 'pay day loan' (but without the 1000% interest:rotfl:). That being said I'm not 100% sure that I understand what the £300 covers. Is this an upping of the personal spends budget?

There are loads of places that you could cut back further. Like others have said, the coffees are a ridiculous waste of money but if your wife wants them from personal spending money that's her choice. I wouldn't agree with the haircuts either or the basic clothes. I suppose we're all different. Our family dentistry is paid on a monthly DD but with hairdressing my DH pays £10 whereas my bill is astronomical. For toiletries, basics like toothpaste are covered but anything that comes from a cosmetics counter certainly isn't.

IMO, what you need to do next is monitor the situation carefully in the next 3 months. Don't wait until then to step in if things aren't going as you'd hoped. Do share any good bits with your wife like what you've managed to pay off. You say she doesn't like figures, would visual things help ( a bit like the church roof graph scenario).

Do keep us posted, and good luck!!

ViolaLass

I'm concerned at coffees and food belonging to the same budget. If your wife overspends on the former, everyone loses out on the latter. Why don't coffees belong to her personal spends budget?

Pay_no_attention

maman wrote: »

I read through your thread yesterday up to the cliff hanger where we were all waiting for an update.

Please don't take this as idle curiosity. These boards are full of people who have been in your position but have come out the other side and as converts are very keen to spread the DFW word and offer all the advice and support they can.

I think you've been extremely fair and generous with your wife. It's a start but you must build on it. I agree with those that say don't apologise as that's like admitting she was right to take the money and she definitely wasn't. Your marriage needs to be a partnership with both of you taking responsibility for the debts and the spending. I do have some sympathy with her but she doesn't seemed to have grasped that while there's light at the end of the tunnel, you're not there yet.

I'd like to think that she will be careful to manage on the £300, there's a good chance although it's possible she'll want to buy bits and bobs and treats for your DD going away. I think she's likely to spend right up to the limit. If she comes back for more I think you should make it a 'pay day loan' (but without the 1000% interest:rotfl:). That being said I'm not 100% sure that I understand what the £300 covers. Is this an upping of the personal spends budget?

There are loads of places that you could cut back further. Like others have said, the coffees are a ridiculous waste of money but if your wife wants them from personal spending money that's her choice. I wouldn't agree with the haircuts either or the basic clothes. I suppose we're all different. Our family dentistry is paid on a monthly DD but with hairdressing my DH pays £10 whereas my bill is astronomical. For toiletries, basics like toothpaste are covered but anything that comes from a cosmetics counter certainly isn't.

IMO, what you need to do next is monitor the situation carefully in the next 3 months. Don't wait until then to step in if things aren't going as you'd hoped. Do share any good bits with your wife like what you've managed to pay off. You say she doesn't like figures, would visual things help ( a bit like the church roof graph scenario).

Do keep us posted, and good luck!!

The personal spends budget is remaining at £50 per week at the minute. This is to pay for clothing,magazines,make up, beauty treatments,trips out etc. anything which may count as a luxury.
Basic haircuts are to come out of the household budget as mine is £10 every 6 weeks and my wife's is £40 every three months. If she wants it coloured for instance then this will come out of her personal spending.
The £300 allowance is for groceries for the month, to include toiletries and cleaning products also if she thinks she can afford it for the coffees. I have told her their will be no more once it runs out so she needs to make it last the month.
I do intend to show her the credit card calculations when the dust has settled a little. Hopefully by the end of the weekend.

Pay_no_attention

ViolaLass wrote: »

I'm concerned at coffees and food belonging to the same budget. If your wife overspends on the former, everyone loses out on the latter. Why don't coffees belong to her personal spends budget?

Because they are not always just for her if she has the kids with the bill is easily £10 to £15.
When I get a minute I will list last weeks astronomical £297 on going out so it will be a bit more easy to understand.
I too am worried she will spend more on the coffees than putting food in the cupboard but we have to start somewhere and I got to see how we'll she does for the next three months.

Mojisola

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

Because they are not always just for her if she has the kids with the bill is easily £10 to £15.

:eek:

When I get a minute I will list last weeks astronomical £297 on going out so it will be a bit more easy to understand.

:eek::eek:

I too am worried she will spend more on the coffees than putting food in the cupboard but we have to start somewhere and I got to see how we'll she does for the next three months.

If she can't see how wasteful this kind of spending is, she's really got her head in the sand!

I wish you luck but unless she realises how unsustainable this kind of spending is (has her own light bulb moment) rather than feeling forced to follow your rules, she's always going to be undermining your plans.

pinkshoes

£5 says you run out by 23rd August and have to live off baked beans for a week!

(But I wish you the best of luck with this!)