How do I curb wife's spending

Pay_no_attention

cte1111 wrote: »

Does your wife do all the food shopping? I think £300 is an OK budget for 4 people, ours is similar. This also includes cleaning items, toilet paper and basic toiletries. We don't include takeaways or going out for meals / coffees within the grocery budget though.

What are you going to do when / if the food budget is all gone and there is no milk in the fridge?

I do all the shopping at the moment as well as arrange payment of all the bills.
I try and buy in bulk where possible and do a lot of our shopping at warehouses. I hate grocery shopping,but am used to it now.
Regards what we do when we run out of milk...pass, I don't know the answer.

Pay_no_attention

cte1111,

Can I ask what you budget as an extra for takeaways,coffees out etc?

I think I will set it at £300 for August,but we drop down to three in the household from middle of September so either the budget can be adjusted down a little or keep it the same if she is not managing.
I'm making all these plans and she may go mad even at the suggestion.

Pay_no_attention

Here's a first. It was top up day for the mobile phones today. Normally I go to the shop and do everyone's inc my daughter. Today I made sure she was with me and I just stood behind her in the queue and didn't offer to pay. I actually found it quite hard to do that. But I went through with it and saved £15!

jacobtheamish

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

I do all the shopping at the moment as well as arrange payment of all the bills.
I try and buy in bulk where possible and do a lot of our shopping at warehouses. I hate grocery shopping,but am used to it now.
Regards what we do when we run out of milk...pass, I don't know the answer.

Can you not ask your wife to fund the grocery shopping? Perhaps give her no access to your money at all for a short time

Mojisola

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

I mentioned about how much money we had gone through in less than a week. On top of this amount their is the £45 that was taken. Straight away she tries to turn the tables to make me feel bad. Things like ill cancel my dentist appointment tomorrow, I'll give you the £45 back. You can keep your money! I don't want any of your money!

This is why most of the time I just feel its easier not to say anything.
So now she has gone off to work upset and I'm sitting here questioning myself.

She sounds like a sulky teenager! Did she stamp her feet and say "It's not fair" as well?

She's manipulating you all the way.

Why don't you take her at her word - she doesn't want your money so next month, pay off a chunk of the debt instead of giving it to her.

Pay_no_attention

jacobtheamish wrote: »

Can you not ask your wife to fund the grocery shopping? Perhaps give her no access to your money at all for a short time

But really its our money, even though I earn a lot more than she does we are a couple. We have been together 20 years in total including the 4 years apart and she has never wanted any responsibility of paying the bills or budgeting the household income its always been down to me. Before we separated money was not that much of an issue, I,was busy with work I probably didn't realise what was going on. It's only since the separation and me losing my company that I have become really careful ( not to the point of being tight) but I am just determined never to be in this situation again.
Doing it alone was quite easy,but trying to do it when someone is doing the opposite is like swimming against the tide.

Vikipollard

Sorry but I'm aghast at this!

You are being taken for a ride and although it is a joint enterprise, only one of you is contributing toward it.

Ok, so you earn more than she does. That doesn't mean you pay for everything and give her extra on top! I agree with many others; the very generous £50 she has per week has to cover the coffees and lunches she believes she deserves. It also covers the expensive toiletries she has a penchant for.

As for money management, don't give any of the control over until she proves she can grow up and behave like an adult. By all means give her the groceries budget money ~ but with the express understanding that if she spends it all there is no more until the following month. And stick to the ultimatum. She will have to use 'her' £50 per week to buy food - let's face it, she will have frittered the genuine grocery money on tat for herself so it's only fair.

If she refuses, then you can ensure you and your sensible daughter still eat. Hard lesson, but one she will learn more quickly from. It will also show you mean business. Next time she calls you controlling tell her she is childish and manipulative.

Your elder daughter needs a sharp reality kick before she goes to University otherwise she will blow her first term's student maintenance payment in two weeks.

You sound like a nice chap who wants to do the right thing which is admirable. In this case though, you are the only one wanting to do the right thing; your wife just wants her own way or else she'll tantrum and sulk. Uncomfortable as it will be for you, there's only you with a conscience in your relationship. Stand your ground and pay off the debt.

NinjaSavingKat

Honey I really feel for you I do! This is a very difficult situation for you to be in. I have sat and read the entire diary and there is some sound advise on here from folk although I can see you have tried absolutely everything - have you?

There is a distinct "ostrich" behaviour from your wife and there will be a day when she cracks and realises you are right and the budget needs to be strict but this might come to late - around the time your house is repossessed.

Clearly explaining things to her attracts the "poor little me" syndrome and as you said you start questioning yourself. Let me tell you - nothing you have said so far has appeared unreasonable. You come across as a loving husband and father who wants to do right by his family - even if it means being cruel to be kind (not paying daughters phone credit) but as you also said you are swimming against the tide...

I agree with VickyPollard - your daughter MUST be kicked into shape. University is a sharp learning curve and it will come back ten fold when she has spent the tuition fee and calls you to help her. Can you afford this?

Please think about printing this entire post and placing somewhere your wife cannot miss it. How much more can you say to someone when they realise you are so desperate you have had to turn to complete strangers for help because the most important woman in your life is refusing to listen to you and give you the respect you deserve.... she has reduced herself to being deceitful about money, how much more disrespectful to you does she have to be before she sees that she is a hindrance to your family and not a help.

You are a gem, you are doing good, especially judging by how much you have changed your own mindset to money and paid so much off. I think if your wife realises how desperate you are and turns her mind to money saving she will be a fantastic asset to the family and be an amazing penny-pincher.

It's just getting her to that kind of mindset that is the struggle. Keep pushing on though with your daughter - you are doing her the world of good. She might be too scared to ask that you leave her to it... have you spoken to her on her own about it without your wife around?

Good luck with your journey .... sorry this is so long!

Dimey

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

It's kicked off big style this morning!
I started out with good intentions of trying to sort something regarding setting a budget but it just ended in a big row about the money that was taken.
I mentioned about how much money we had gone through in less than a week. On top of this amount their is the £45 that was taken. Straight away she tries to turn the tables to make me feel bad. Things like ill cancel my dentist appointment tomorrow, I'll give you the £45 back. You can keep your money! I don't want any of your money!
This is why most of the time I just feel its easier not to say anything.
So now she has gone off to work upset and I'm sitting here questioning myself.

Your wife is either over defensive due to guilt - or she's artfully aggressive on purpose to make you feel bad and capitulate. Either way she's making sure she has the upper hand. The poor injured party.

Where is all the tat she's spending this money on. How many lunches and coffee can one woman consume. Just a thought. Is she actually saving the money in a secret bank account of her own?

After the 4 years on benefits, she might be building a buffer for herself should it be needed in future.

OP, you've done well so far. You've set the various budgets and you've shown your wife you won't tolerate deceit. Ride out her bad mood. She's bound to feel uncomfortable for a while.

All you need do now is be consistent. Remember how children are most comfortable & secure when they have boundaries. That's what you are doing with your wife and children - giving them boundaries so they know where they are. In time they'll appreciate the security and stability.

Don't bale out the budget and make use of the cash box for cash. Easy

ViolaLass

By the way, if you run out of milk mid-week, maybe those who have cereal will have to have toast instead, or raid the cupboards for whatever they can find.

I had pasta for breakfast today (not because we've run out of food but I hadn't made any cereal or bread recently). I didn't go out and buy more food, I just used what was around.