How do I curb wife's spending

cte1111

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

cte1111,

Can I ask what you budget as an extra for takeaways,coffees out etc?

I think I will set it at £300 for August,but we drop down to three in the household from middle of September so either the budget can be adjusted down a little or keep it the same if she is not managing.
I'm making all these plans and she may go mad even at the suggestion.

We have a going out budget of £15 per week (plus £20 for our babysitter), we usually go out and play bridge so this is the cost of our fees plus a drink for my husband. If we don't go out, then we use this for a takeaway instead. Lunches and coffees when out and about come from our personal weekly spends.

In addition we probably spend about £50 a month on meals out or outings with the kids. This can be more some months, but I try to buy vouchers from Living Social etc which can pay for a meal out for the 2 of us for less than £25.

cte1111

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

Regards what we do when we run out of milk...pass, I don't know the answer.

You need to prepare for this scenario though. It sounds like almost guaranteed to happen, given the current overspending problems. I think that is part of the problem TBH, you set spending rules but then don't enforce them. I would split the £300 into 4 weekly budgets of £65 say, plus an emergency fund of £40. Then you've got a contingency plan.

We take out cash each week and put it into envelopes for each budget. Any left over money at the end of the week goes into a takeaway envelope to treat ourselves when we've underspent in other areas (or to pay for the window cleaner or something like this that might have been forgotten).

Granariesgirl

Hi PNA,

First let me say that you are RIGHT to want to get out of debt, get your family into financial security & expect ALL your family to support you in this struggle, don't ever doubt yourself over that! You want what is best for your family & that CANNOT be wrong!
:T
BUT if I can offer some advice as a one-time bloodyminded spendthrift daughter then a headintheclouds spendthrift adult before a financial kick in the bum made me wiser (& not before time!)...

1) Explain the situation clearly & unemotionally - in your situation I would write it down with spreadsheets etc. & sit them ALL down to read the cold, hard black & white facts, one resume of the facts each. Once they have all read it, answer their questions on the situation & the consequences of not dealing with it NOW, then ask for their suggestions of how you can all best deal with the situation.
Written figures are harder to ignore & bluster at than words & hopefully giving them some input will help them to "grow up" & work with you instead of fighting you.

2) Have a plan of action: make a budget with your income & OH's income & as others have said before separate your bank account & securise your personal cash! If you are responsible for the mortgage & your debts, make her pay for all the family food, both DD's clothes & "living expenses" etc. especially anything that's not an absolute necessity. Share it out fairly (your personal allowance comes out of your income) & make sure the DDs know who pays what from now on. Incorporate any good suggestions they may have to save money, roll out the plan the next day (copy to everyone of who pays what & STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!!
If you all have to raid the old tins at the back of the cupboard for a couple of days 'cos Mum spent the grocery money, nobody will die of starvation & she won't do it again in a hurry with 2 DDs carping at her 'cos they're hungry!
:cool:
3) DD1 will grow up to be hopeless with money unless she is taught the value of it by you & you will not do that by giving her everything she asks for. Free money means she will never have the pride of saying to you "look Dad, I worked & saved & bought that with my own money" & you will never have the pride of saying "my girl did that all on her own with her determination & what I taught her". She will also get into deep, deep financial doodoo & you may not still be alive to bail her out.
Bank of Mum & Dad was always there with free cash when the bank was getting nasty at Uni, at first job away from home... it made us horribly irresponsible as we didn't know that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach "how am I going to eat tomorrow?" that tells you to get a grip. I honestly don't know how many £££s I was bailed out in all but it was a LOT. I think if I'd been made to save & work for things by my parents, I'd have been a lot more responsible & wouldn't have got into massive doodoo later on. I am NOT making the same mistake with my kids!
:eek:
4) Stop behaving like a doormat to your wife - if you lie down in front of her, of COURSE she's going to wipe her feet all over you (I would too)! Stand up for yourself & you'll probably find she respects you more for it (even if she does pitch forty fits) & so will your DDs - you will certainly respect yourself more & self respect is priceless (& free)! If she walks out then she didn't love or respect you anyway, she was just out to relieve you of the maximum amount of money in the minimum time... do you really want to be with someone like that?
:think:
5) Be grateful for DD2 & encourage her to carry on being smart with money but don't let the others take advantage of her & don't rely on her too heavily to be "the responsible one" all the time.

6) Have your emergency fund & throw EVERYTHING else at your debt, the time for saving for the kids future is later when you've sorted out your own present & anyway savings rates are pants...
If you want to give them something, why not "price match" - if they save £XXX in the bank after they've paid for mobiles, travel, car insurance etc. you can offer to match it as a "bonus " for managing their money well (bank statements as proof).


Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well & I hope what I said helps a little.

GG

Pay_no_attention

First of all I would like to take this opportunity to say a big thank you to everyone who has posted with advice and support.
You have all been so kind and offered lots of good advice. It's just been a relief to share this problem with all of you.
I am setting off with good intentions today,being the start of a new month what a better time to start going forward using bits and bobs of the advice received (even though things are still a bit frosty from yesterday's argument)

Pay_no_attention

Granariesgirl wrote: »

Hi PNA,

First let me say that you are RIGHT to want to get out of debt, get your family into financial security & expect ALL your family to support you in this struggle, don't ever doubt yourself over that! You want what is best for your family & that CANNOT be wrong!
:T
BUT if I can offer some advice as a one-time bloodyminded spendthrift daughter then a headintheclouds spendthrift adult before a financial kick in the bum made me wiser (& not before time!)...

1) Explain the situation clearly & unemotionally - in your situation I would write it down with spreadsheets etc. & sit them ALL down to read the cold, hard black & white facts, one resume of the facts each. Once they have all read it, answer their questions on the situation & the consequences of not dealing with it NOW, then ask for their suggestions of how you can all best deal with the situation.
Written figures are harder to ignore & bluster at than words & hopefully giving them some input will help them to "grow up" & work with you instead of fighting you.

2) Have a plan of action: make a budget with your income & OH's income & as others have said before separate your bank account & securise your personal cash! If you are responsible for the mortgage & your debts, make her pay for all the family food, both DD's clothes & "living expenses" etc. especially anything that's not an absolute necessity. Share it out fairly (your personal allowance comes out of your income) & make sure the DDs know who pays what from now on. Incorporate any good suggestions they may have to save money, roll out the plan the next day (copy to everyone of who pays what & STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!!
If you all have to raid the old tins at the back of the cupboard for a couple of days 'cos Mum spent the grocery money, nobody will die of starvation & she won't do it again in a hurry with 2 DDs carping at her 'cos they're hungry!
:cool:
3) DD1 will grow up to be hopeless with money unless she is taught the value of it by you & you will not do that by giving her everything she asks for. Free money means she will never have the pride of saying to you "look Dad, I worked & saved & bought that with my own money" & you will never have the pride of saying "my girl did that all on her own with her determination & what I taught her". She will also get into deep, deep financial doodoo & you may not still be alive to bail her out.
Bank of Mum & Dad was always there with free cash when the bank was getting nasty at Uni, at first job away from home... it made us horribly irresponsible as we didn't know that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach "how am I going to eat tomorrow?" that tells you to get a grip. I honestly don't know how many £££s I was bailed out in all but it was a LOT. I think if I'd been made to save & work for things by my parents, I'd have been a lot more responsible & wouldn't have got into massive doodoo later on. I am NOT making the same mistake with my kids!
:eek:
4) Stop behaving like a doormat to your wife - if you lie down in front of her, of COURSE she's going to wipe her feet all over you (I would too)! Stand up for yourself & you'll probably find she respects you more for it (even if she does pitch forty fits) & so will your DDs - you will certainly respect yourself more & self respect is priceless (& free)! If she walks out then she didn't love or respect you anyway, she was just out to relieve you of the maximum amount of money in the minimum time... do you really want to be with someone like that?
:think:
5) Be grateful for DD2 & encourage her to carry on being smart with money but don't let the others take advantage of her & don't rely on her too heavily to be "the responsible one" all the time.

6) Have your emergency fund & throw EVERYTHING else at your debt, the time for saving for the kids future is later when you've sorted out your own present & anyway savings rates are pants...
If you want to give them something, why not "price match" - if they save £XXX in the bank after they've paid for mobiles, travel, car insurance etc. you can offer to match it as a "bonus " for managing their money well (bank statements as proof).


Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well & I hope what I said helps a little.

GG

1) last night I used a credit card repayment calculator to show the difference in what interest would be paid if we had used the £300 that was spent last week on an extra payment towards the card.
Two of my debts are credit card debts. One for £8000 at 29.9% for 4 years i was just paying the minimum payment,if I had continued like that it would take 23years and 16,000 in interest to pay it off!
When I entered in £8,300 it was nearly £20,000 in interest. So that £300 extra would have ended up costing £4000. Even I was shocked. I have all this printed out ready to show her today.
I am also going to print of the spreadsheets with income/ outgoings every month and also the spreadsheet I have with how the debt has come down over the last 4 years. Hope it's not too much information to throw at her at once. She may get bored with it:)

My eldest daughter has no respect for the value of money at the moment,leaves it lying around everywhere, bedroom floor,carrier bags,different handbags.
She can save though, but when possible she will take from me. Yes it's been my fault most of the time for not being firm with her.
The subject of the room deposit came up again last night, she said we need to send the uni my room deposit. I asked how we can send it. She replied debit card,bank transfer,cheque. So I said give me the money then and I will do it for you. She replied " oh but,but..." Then said " I haven't got it" then it was oh it doesn't matter. It was only a week ago she told me she had nearly £2000 saved for when she goes to uni.
So it's more of a case of trying to use my money rather than her own.

nicp60

Hi PNO,
I've followed this thread with interest and have to say that I'm so impressed with how well you're doing. Marriage and family life isn't easy, being in debt and trying to dig your way out isn't easy either and you're dealing with both as well as the demanding dynamics of family life really well :beer:!
One tip that I have - maybe your wife would be more likely to stick to a budget that she draws up herself? Obviously you have the control at the moment and it sounds like that's enabling her childish behaviour. I know you said that she has no interest in financial planning etc, but to be honest people don't do it because it's interesting - they do it because it's absolutely essential!

Maybe if you could explain that you really want to find a way to allow her to have nice things, a great lifestyle and security and then present her with the facts (ie 'So how much a day for xyz?' ' How much do we need for groceries?'), she may actually listen because it's in her interests.
Taking the same old routes with her and expecting a different outcome to previously is madness.

I agree with previous posters about using the cashbox and budgeting weekly- but only do this after she's agreed the budget. Hopefully she'll then learn that it doesn't grow on trees!!

As for your daughter - have you seen proof of these £2k savings? I only ask because despite being a normally honest and very good daughter who was never in trouble, I used to lie my a$$ off to my dad about my finances (shamefully extremely convincingly) because I knew how anti-debt he was!
And seriously, if you have any doubts about your daughter's ability to manage financially, take the student loan out and keep/invest it. If you don't take it out, she will (again, from experience ).

Best of luck!

short_bird

Hi, you may have mentioned this and I haven't seen it, in which case sorry for the repetition. Was your wife involved in the failed business in any way, or was she working for someone else?

Pay_no_attention

short_bird wrote: »

Hi, you may have mentioned this and I haven't seen it, in which case sorry for the repetition. Was your wife involved in the failed business in any way, or was she working for someone else?

Yes she was company secretary but she also held a part time employed position. The day to day running of the company was down to me.

Pay_no_attention

I have lots to report later. Had 5.5 hours of heavy discussions. Have to go to work now so will post updates later.

slowcoachme

I am also reading this post with interest, I think you are a decent man trying to do the best for your family. But, just a thought, you say you do not live in the UK, if you live outside Europe your daughter may not be eligible for a student loan and may have to pay full fees on top.
As I understand it one has to be resident in UK for 3 years before getting these entitlements. I lived outside Europe and returned to UK so that my daughter joined Year 10 and was then able to claim same loan as UK residents.