How do I curb wife's spending

nicp60

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

I didn't want her to leave uni with any debt. So if she is adamant in taking the loan I was going to invest the £60 per week so at the end of the course I could pay off the loan, so again she would be debt free. Right or wrong of me I don't want her to start out in her chosen career owing anybody money.

Hi there,
How are you planning on paying the tuition fees? She will have debt unless these are paid upfront (not recommended at all), it's unavoidable I'm afraid. I recall you mentioning something about bursaries - are the fees covered by these?

I know the temptation is to avoid debt for a young person, especially when they're just starting out, but honestly the absolute best thing you could do for her is to let her take the loans out. I say this as both a 6th Form teacher and a parent.
The alternative (and I know this from my own experience ) is that she may end up getting the loans anyway without you knowing.

Dimey

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

Sorry if I not explained it too clearly. I didnt want her to have the loan at first as I said I would try and send her the equivalent weekly amount. I didn't want her to leave uni with any debt. So if she is adamant in taking the loan I was going to invest the £60 per week so at the end of the course I could pay off the loan, so again she would be debt free. Right or wrong of me I don't want her to start out in her chosen career owing anybody money.
What she does after that is down to her, she can make her own choices. She will not have her degree until she is 22 if she then chooses to go travelling for a year she will be 23 when she starts earning subject to her finding a job.

Your thinking may be skewed by your own debt situation. Possibly making you over-protective towards your daughter taking on a loan.

You still need to teach her to manage her money and loan repayments. So If you do lend her the whole amount or you later pay off the student loan - still make her pay you back in weekly/monthly repayments. This way she learns self restraint/discipline and to be in control. She gains a sense of achievement and confidence in being able to stand on her own two feet in the world.

If you are so well off that you can afford it - You can still save her repayments, without telling her and give her the savings as a gift when she goes travelling or when she returns.

Luke273

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

Sorry if I not explained it too clearly. I didnt want her to have the loan at first as I said I would try and send her the equivalent weekly amount. I didn't want her to leave uni with any debt. So if she is adamant in taking the loan I was going to invest the £60 per week so at the end of the course I could pay off the loan, so again she would be debt free. Right or wrong of me I don't want her to start out in her chosen career owing anybody money.
What she does after that is down to her, she can make her own choices. She will not have her degree until she is 22 if she then chooses to go travelling for a year she will be 23 when she starts earning subject to her finding a job.

I completely understand your thought here, every parent wants their child to start with the best opportunities, and having no debt after graduation would be a great boost, and I would fully agree with you if it was literally any other debt, like credit cards, commercial loans, etc. However, the one exception to this rule has to be student loans. 'Loans' is a strong word for these type of loans, if anything it behaves more like a tax, I'll explain -

If your daughter earns less than £21,000 or does not have a job after graduation, she never has to pay or be pressured into paying the loans off. After 30 years, the debt is wiped completely, regardless of how much has been paid. If your daughter does earn above £21,000, then the amount paid every year is 9% of the difference between the threshold and her annual income. For example, if she earns £23,000, then she will pay 9% of £2000, which is £180 in a year, as £23,000-£21,000 is £2000.

Basically what I'm trying to say is, it's basically a small additional tax after graduation. If she stops working for whatever reason, the tax will also stop. In my opinion, that money that would have otherwise been spent on paying off the loan would be better spent on something your daughter would take a loan out for (like a mortgage, a car, wedding, etc).

Of course, it's up to you ultimately in what you decide to do, but financially the best option for yourself and your daughter in 99.9% of cases is to take the loan and then pay the minimum payments after graduation and spend that money you have to pay the loans off on something else for your daughter.

AlwaysHappy

I have just read this thread from the start and have been left really saddened and frustrated by it. You sound like a lovely hard working decent man trying to do his best for his family in very difficult circumstances, but I'm afraid that as others have said you are too easily swayed by the women in your life. You need to work as a family to sort this financial mess out so that YOU can once again start enjoying YOUR life - the fact that your wife would rather have coffees and a magazine instead of working through this with you is unbelievable, but it seems as if she can get away with it so why wouldn't she? I am happily married, no debt - and we each have a monthly allowance of £80. This buys any coffees or treats out, weekly lottery (a girl can dream...), clothes, makeup - to be honest my oh seems to have better deal from this perspective, but he usually ends up buying us at least one coffee out a month out of his, and as he earns a good deal more than me I'm lucky in a way that we share the same vision. Anyway, I'm rambling. The life you describe doesn't sound like a healthy loving partnership, it sounds like you are a doormat (willingly). Sit her down, get her to read this thread, and hopefully she will start to appreciate you. As for your daughter, she should pay the deposit herself, she is obviously capable of saving, and needs to be encouraged to stand on her own two feet, any mixed messages from you at this point will, I fear end in disaster for you - she will be back for handouts before you know it. Good luck.

izools

I haven't read every post so apologies if this has already been said.

My OH and I have had our salaries paid in to a joint account before and had much the same problems as you describe. At one point he spent £4,000 in one year on boutique coffee. I'm no saint either, I've been bankrupt once and very nearly have to a second time having had my salary pulled out from under my feet and having to become a full time carer but I will do everything in my power and more to avoid it.

Anyway - the point at hand.

You two need a personal account each. You just do. You have your salaries paid in to these accounts, and you have your debts paid out of these accounts.

You also have a household account - this is for the exclusive use of joint expenses - food, fuel, utilities, rent / mortgage, insurance, etc.

You each pay half of what is required to cover these into the account each month and the debit card gets left in a safe at home (perhaps one that Mrs Pay No Attention doesn't know the code to?) and is only brought out when you need to go to the supermarket or petrol station together. No grocery shops on her own.

You then have what's left from your independent salaries in your personal accounts to do with what you see fit. If you want to pay off your debt, go for it.

If she wants to be the vapid face of commercialism forever in debt, her prerogative. Needn't affect your personal finances.

Then in a few years time when you're in no debt and have a little nest egg saved up and she's up !!!! creek maybe she'll see the error of her ways.

Dunno, but like I say, my OH was the same, and that joint account got closed quicker than you can say "You bought WHAT!?"

Pay_no_attention

Luke273 wrote: »

I completely understand your thought here, every parent wants their child to start with the best opportunities, and having no debt after graduation would be a great boost, and I would fully agree with you if it was literally any other debt, like credit cards, commercial loans, etc. However, the one exception to this rule has to be student loans. 'Loans' is a strong word for these type of loans, if anything it behaves more like a tax, I'll explain -

If your daughter earns less than £21,000 or does not have a job after graduation, she never has to pay or be pressured into paying the loans off. After 30 years, the debt is wiped completely, regardless of how much has been paid. If your daughter does earn above £21,000, then the amount paid every year is 9% of the difference between the threshold and her annual income. For example, if she earns £23,000, then she will pay 9% of £2000, which is £180 in a year, as £23,000-£21,000 is £2000.

Basically what I'm trying to say is, it's basically a small additional tax after graduation. If she stops working for whatever reason, the tax will also stop. In my opinion, that money that would have otherwise been spent on paying off the loan would be better spent on something your daughter would take a loan out for (like a mortgage, a car, wedding, etc).

Of course, it's up to you ultimately in what you decide to do, but financially the best option for yourself and your daughter in 99.9% of cases is to take the loan and then pay the minimum payments after graduation and spend that money you have to pay the loans off on something else for your daughter.

This is a good way of thinking . I like this. I will try and think of it as a tax. I will try and put something by for her each week as planned then wait until the end of her course and then make a decision on what's best to do with the money.

Pay_no_attention

AlwaysHappy wrote: »

I have just read this thread from the start and have been left really saddened and frustrated by it. You sound like a lovely hard working decent man trying to do his best for his family in very difficult circumstances, but I'm afraid that as others have said you are too easily swayed by the women in your life. You need to work as a family to sort this financial mess out so that YOU can once again start enjoying YOUR life - the fact that your wife would rather have coffees and a magazine instead of working through this with you is unbelievable, but it seems as if she can get away with it so why wouldn't she? I am happily married, no debt - and we each have a monthly allowance of £80. This buys any coffees or treats out, weekly lottery (a girl can dream...), clothes, makeup - to be honest my oh seems to have better deal from this perspective, but he usually ends up buying us at least one coffee out a month out of his, and as he earns a good deal more than me I'm lucky in a way that we share the same vision. Anyway, I'm rambling. The life you describe doesn't sound like a healthy loving partnership, it sounds like you are a doormat (willingly). Sit her down, get her to read this thread, and hopefully she will start to appreciate you. As for your daughter, she should pay the deposit herself, she is obviously capable of saving, and needs to be encouraged to stand on her own two feet, any mixed messages from you at this point will, I fear end in disaster for you - she will be back for handouts before you know it. Good luck.

Theirs not just the two women either! I have another teenage daughter who to be fair at the minute is good as gold. Never asks for anything. I do give her around £10 per week pocket money, but when she receives it she is really appreciative. If I forget one week she wouldn't even remind me. She has her own little lists going on for the usual girls stuff and to be fair she saves for it.
Anyway getting back on topic my wife admitted tonight about taking the missing money it started heading for a row which I didn't want at nearly midnight in front of the children, so I said we will discuss it later.
In preparation I have prepared a list of what money was spent last week on going out. A lot of people will be shocked by this amount because I was. I'll say it quickly £290. I am embarrassed as I know a lot of people are in much more difficult circumstances than myself. In my eyes this is money that could have gone towards debt. It was my wife's birthday last week and we went for a family meal which was £120 of that but even taking that into account £170 is still a lot of money.
Tomorrow has got to be showdown day and we see what happens.
I would be interested on how people manage the family budget. What happens about grocery shopping? Do you set a figure each week and try and stick to that budget. I have tried in the past to give my wife a set amount for groceries but like I said half would be spent on non grocery items and I would end up dishing out more money half way through the week because we had ran out of stuff.

ViolaLass

I don't think your issue is budgeting. For example, we have a monthly budget of £150 for food/cleaning supplies etc but I can trust my OH not to spend any of this money on anything else. You can't. Your issue is trust.

AlwaysHappy

It sounds like there are 3 children in the house and the biggest one is your wife! She is playing you for a fool as she was obviously capable of budgetting whilst on benefits and you were living apart. Obviously didn't suit her and now she is making up for it. You need to man up and take some responsibility too, for being weak and allowing this situation to continue. We have a food budget of £300 for the month for 3 of us - to be honest we could have more, its not about budget its about choices for us. BUT, when its gone its gone..... I have started doing my shopping online so that I'm not tempted by offers that aren't, aim for my basket to be no more than £50 and keep taking out until it is - asking "do I NEED that?" - then I'm left with about £20 for topups of milk, fresh vegetables etc. When your wife was on benefits she didn't have the luxury of more did she? Watched that program where the celeb chefs cooked on a budget and she reminds me of Richard Corrigan, asking the cashier - what do people do if they haven't got any money? well in most of our cases we put it back, but in your wifes case she seems to get petulant. You seem afraid to draw the line, and appear more scared of losing her than getting her to work with you. I feel saddened that you are in this position, you obviously love her very much, but if there isn't trust in a relationship I can't see how this outcome is going to be a happy one.
Years ago, my friend was married to a generous man, always encouraging her to buy nice things, bought her a nice golf car (turned out on his credit card), he always thought he wasn't enough for her (what rubbish), roll forwards 5 years, he is on a dmp and back home with his parents, she has kept the house and getting maintenance because there is a child and lo and behold has another man!! He is crippled with debt and regret!!!

rockm87

my other half is a nightmare with money.

We have a joint account for rent, bills and food.
Once he has paid in (half of everything) his share, his money is left for him to do with as he pleases. My money is for me unless I want (can afford) to treat us.

This has worked well for us, I needed to cut him off completely, as he started by havin a card for the joint account and would just spend little bits of money on cigarettes or food.

I said I needed to budget for those treats so he needs to ask before using the card, he didnt, so I cancelled card, so next time he went to use it without permission the sale was declined. He got angry but he soon got over it knowing I was right, and that he was technically stealing.

Good luck, its difficult, and there will be tantrums, but its for the best after all.