How do I curb wife's spending

Pay_no_attention

It's kicked off big style this morning!
I started out with good intentions of trying to sort something regarding setting a budget but it just ended in a big row about the money that was taken.
I mentioned about how much money we had gone through in less than a week. On top of this amount their is the £45 that was taken. Straight away she tries to turn the tables to make me feel bad. Things like ill cancel my dentist appointment tomorrow, I'll give you the £45 back. You can keep your money! I don't want any of your money!
This is why most of the time I just feel its easier not to say anything.
So now she has gone off to work upset and I'm sitting here questioning myself.

ViolaLass

Is this really someone to whom you want to be married?

quantic

To be perfectly honest with you, it seems (from an outsiders perspective) that two things are missing from this relationship, and neither of them are money - respect and trust. Your wife does not seem to have any respect for you and you clearly cannot trust her with money. Not only that but if I'm honest it feels a lot like she uses you as a cash machine.

jacobtheamish

Pay_no_attention wrote: »

It's kicked off big style this morning!
I started out with good intentions of trying to sort something regarding setting a budget but it just ended in a big row about the money that was taken.
I mentioned about how much money we had gone through in less than a week. On top of this amount their is the £45 that was taken. Straight away she tries to turn the tables to make me feel bad. Things like ill cancel my dentist appointment tomorrow, I'll give you the £45 back. You can keep your money! I don't want any of your money!
This is why most of the time I just feel its easier not to say anything.
So now she has gone off to work upset and I'm sitting here questioning myself.

I've read the comments from other posters and although I agree with most of them, I don't think they are helping with your problem.

I have felt sick in reading about your wife's behaviour!

Your wife has stolen from you, she is behaving like a criminal with no care towards you and your future together. You need to move on with your life, and leave this dead/dying relationship.

You are complicit in your own daughters downfall at the moment, if you continue to behave towards her as you are in giving her money and failing to teach her life basics. She will become as unlikeable as your wife.

Get a effing grip pal, man up and stop this rollercoaster ride.

Good luck

heartbreak_star

Honestly, this is not the right woman for you.

Cut ties with her and leave.

You've had some good advice, but your last post (ESPECIALLY THE BIT ABOUT QUESTIONING YOURSELF-DON'T YOU DARE ) made me think that you're probably better off without her.

Oh, and if she's whinging about dental appointment - tell her to take the stupid coat back instead

I know this is harsh - and probably not what you want to hear - but look at how well you did without her.

HBS x

cte1111

I think people are being a bit harsh, particularly given that we've only heard one side of the story. The OP clearly wants to make his marriage work, so just telling him to dump her isn't that helpful.

OP - you need to find a time when the children aren't around to have a sensible discussion with your wife. I'm not sure that complaining about the cost of going out for her birthday was the best way to start the discussion (just seeing it from her POV)!

Perhaps it would be better if you each managed your own finances? Have a joint account where the household bills are paid, which you both pay an agreed amount each month into. Your wife is then responsible for paying off her debts, you are responsible for yours.

Pay_no_attention

cte1111 wrote: »

I think people are being a bit harsh, particularly given that we've only heard one side of the story. The OP clearly wants to make his marriage work, so just telling him to dump her isn't that helpful.

OP - you need to find a time when the children aren't around to have a sensible discussion with your wife. I'm not sure that complaining about the cost of going out for her birthday was the best way to start the discussion (just seeing it from her POV)!

Perhaps it would be better if you each managed your own finances? Have a joint account where the household bills are paid, which you both pay an agreed amount each month into. Your wife is then responsible for paying off her debts, you are responsible for yours.

I didn't separate the cost of going out on her birthday. I told her the amount for the whole week £290 I did say on here the birthday meal was £120 and even if you deduct that as its a one off expense it's still £170 with nothing to show for it.
I do want to try and make this work and that's why this morning I have been trying to write down on paper some ideas that may work.
You are right in saying you are only hearing one side of the story my wife obviously sees things differently.
This morning I have been out and bought a lockable petty cash tin,now I'm thinking that's stupid as I want to be able to trust her and I shouldn't have to lock the money away,so for the time being I have hid it in the garage.
Tomorrow being the 1st of August I thought a good time to start and try and give her a monthly budget for the groceries. We are a family of 4 so was thinking £300 per month for groceries and her coffees etc. once that is gone then no more until the first of next month. We still have our personal spending of £50 per week for clothes,hair,nails (hers not mine) etc
If we do get as far as agreeing on this then we need to establish what is to be purchased out of our personal spending.
She gets me to order for her special cleansers ,salt scrubs,fancy brand sun lotions and make up items. I think other than the basic toiletries these should come out of personal spending. Is that unreasonable?
Is £300 a good amount for 4 people per month with hopefully some left over for the occasional snack and coffee out?

Seen_the_light

Ok, so have now read through the whole thread and can potentially offer a perspective because until late last year I was your wife (not literally, obviously!). I used to spend money each month without care or consideration until my husband said 'whoa' on occasions and then I didn't always stop right away. I used to get quite cross when he told me that I needed to slow down as we couldn't afford this or that, or because I'd gone particularly mad on a certain month. Even though I got cross, I used to know he was right, but that still didn't stop me. What did stop me was catching a glimpse of a credit card statement and seeming the amount I (that particular card was in my name although my husband used to run my account as well as the joint account). Something just clicked and I suddenly realised that this interest was 'dead' money and that i had nothing to show for it. I started to look at other things and then found this website and am now like a 'born again money saver' LOL! (Much to everyone's irritation some days!).
Anyhow, that doesn't particularly help you at the moment, other than to say to you, if your wife is like me, talking will fall on deaf ears until she is ready to listen / hear.
I think all you can do is 'damage limitation' until that time. Don't rule out that your wife might have a genuine spending addiction issue and may need help.
Cut off access to money needed for important things, ask her what she thinks she needs each week / month - negotiate what's realistic (you'll have evidence to back the reality if required from your spreadsheets) and then be strong. Good luck.

cte1111

Does your wife do all the food shopping? I think £300 is an OK budget for 4 people, ours is similar. This also includes cleaning items, toilet paper and basic toiletries. We don't include takeaways or going out for meals / coffees within the grocery budget though.

What are you going to do when / if the food budget is all gone and there is no milk in the fridge?

AlwaysHappy

Please stay strong, its upsetting to read that you are questioning yourself constantly. You aren't doing anything wrong other than trying to get the family to live within their means with a limited budget and to repay a large amount of debt.
I don't think it is unreasonable to expect your wife to get her personal make up etc things from her own money - that will make her think which items are important to her and which she can get cheaper versions of herself. I truly hope you can steer this relationship onto a smooth road, but it is going to be you who has to take the wheel and not get diverted.