Family law advice, can anyone help? **update**

teabag29

moneysaymoneydo wrote: »

Would walk to work yet he smokes? ok everyones priorities are different I guess :eek:

Ok so your brother is in the family home and I imagine with being so ill is not intending to be employed in the near future so makes sense seeing he is so concerned for his childrens welfare that he seeks Parental Rights for all three and then takes them to live with him, yes their "wages" from David Cameron should be equalled up between both parents if they split the time they have the children, I would imagine if he had the kids 24/7 he would receive all the handouts?! maybe an expert can correct me if I am wrong!

Anyway I would also go the police with the proof she has "stolen" his salary for the last three months and have her investigated considering she apparently already has a conviction for benefit fraud. Not sure how it stands as your brother has epilepsy and having custody of the children full time but as others have said he should seek legal advice.

Yes he does smoke and I hate it (Im a non smoker and cant stand the smell etc), he is trying to cut down until he gives up but from what ive heard it isnt that easy, he has roll ups to cut costs.

He does not have epilepsy he has seizures and so is on tablets similar to that epileptics are on, its just a case of balancing the meds to stop them, they have reduced greatly. His job has been kept open for the time being until he is hopefullt fit enough to return to work. He was hoping he could work weekdays and have them at weekends but in the meantime seen as she had all the wages for 3 mths and left him with the bills and he spent his tax rebate on the children that she would be fair and contribute to some toward the train cost until hes back on his feet or ask her father to drop the kids off as agreed or at the very least send them in clothes that fit and with a few nappies.

He doesnt want to go to the police about his wages or anyhting else he doesnt want conflict, he just wants to be able to see the kids and for them to be civil to eachother, he wants a quite life and all this silly game playing from her is making him stressed. He is definately happy that they are now separated for good, although he was hurt at first he now feels himself again as the relationship was doing him no good its just not being able to see the kids thats hurting him

FBaby

The best thing he can do is not to push the children. The two eldest are old enough to tell him that they are desperate to move with him if it gets so bad with their mum.

Kids of separate parents struggle most with the animosity that parents have for each other. They clearly love their mum as much as their dad. Whoever bad mouth the other is the one not helping their case. It's not just about what is said though. Children at that age do pick up on things we think adults we are keeping from them. You might think your attitude towards their mum is kept away from them, but it is highly likely they know exactly how you feel and that will in return affect how they feel about you. All it takes is a look when something is said. I know because I've been there. My step-mum never said anything bad about my mum directly, but boy did I know how badly she resented her, and that in turn made me want to distance myself from her.

Be supportive of them without pitying him. Try to be as supportive as possible. If they say something negative about their mum, don't say 'yes indeed, that's outrageous, your dad would do that', but maybe something like 'well, maybe your mum was upset that day, but I hope she realises soon that this is not fair on you'. (not that I'm implying you are saying the above).

In the end, it is likely that the kids will want to be with the parent who is least nasty about the other. They will seek stability, and a parent who is free or anger and resentment is the one that they will trust most to be able to offer that.

moneysaymoneydo

Unfortunately Teabag your brothers wishes for them to be 'civil' is a two way thing and the ex doesn't sound as though that's part of her make up, once a biatch!. It is sad for the kids but if she wants to be difficult I am afraid at the moment she holds all the aces. Your brothers main priority is to gain legal rights to his children and then decide then if it is better that they live with him full time or whether part time. I think it is unreasonable to think the ex should contribute on train fares for the kids to be in his custody I would imagine it is up to him to quit the fags and get the bus to fetch his kids if need be.

Anyway if she is the thief, uncaring, verbal and physical abuser he claims she is best he act quick for the sake of his kids she sounds like a right nasty one!

FBaby

Just to say that the issue of kids being 'sent in clothes that don't fit' is a common criticism coming from nrps. Yet really, unless the clothes are so small they do not fit at all and make them very uncomfortable or cold, who cares. Most of the time, it is the kid who is choosing to dress this way. My 13DD had a skirt on the other day I didn't recognised. Asking her who she had borrowed it from, she said that it was one she'd had years ago....size 8 year old...she is 5'5''! She said she didn't like before because it was long...now it's a mini skirt and perfect!

If you are so concerned about their clothing (rather than using this against her), why not take the kids to Primark and get them one outfit and pyjamas each. You can kit them for so little. Even better, get them two outfits if you can afford it, then tell them that they can take one home (to make them happy) and keep one at their dad (so they always have something to look forward to wearing there).

teabag29

yes thats what ive tried to do (even though ive vented on here), when i saw them at the weekend and they told me about what was being said etc I explained to them that their mum is prob very stressed at the minute and not her usual self and im sure she's not meaning to upset you. When they said how they felt about living there I told them thats its normal to feel strange in a new place but to give it time and before long it will feel like home, and Isuggested that they speak to their mum if they feel scared or worried about anything because even though shes stressed at the minute she loves you and wants whats best for you.

The issue is being able to have contact, once they go home she has all but said that she wont let them speak to their dad again or have contact as the daughter chose to stay there an extra week. I have tried to contact her via phone and text when she left, all nice texts nothing nasty to say that I thought moving away so suddenly was a brave decision and must have been hard, I wished her well and asked if I could visit and still be part of the kids lives but she wouldnt respond to me

teabag29

FBaby wrote: »

Just to say that the issue of kids being 'sent in clothes that don't fit' is a common criticism coming from nrps. Yet really, unless the clothes are so small they do not fit at all and make them very uncomfortable or cold, who cares.

If you are so concerned about their clothing (rather than using this against her), why not take the kids to Primark and get them one outfit and pyjamas each. You can kit them for so little. Even better, get them two outfits if you can afford it, then tell them that they can take one home (to make them happy) and keep one at their dad (so they always have something to look forward to wearing there).

It was the 2 year olds clothes that didnt fit, a vest that came nowhere near buttoning up, bearly covered her belly yet she has plenty of clothes my brother saw to that so why she was sent like that I dont know. Anyway I gave the children £60 to treat themselves and my brother bought them some new clothes

zzzLazyDaisy

teabag29 wrote: »

if a joint custody agreement is made then surely yes he should be entitled to some benefits for the children, if she is being paid for them for 7 days but only having them for 4 then surely she could contribute a little to their train fair, she is being paid to keep them for 7 days after all either that ot he should be entitled to a part of the child tax credit/benefit for the 3 days he has them. Its not his fault he has a health condition and his esa would not cover the train fair, if he is jointly looking after them then why is it unreasonable that he doesnt get some help financially just as she does off the government? I know another couple who share care and the tax credits get shared between them which seems only fair to me.

There is no such thing as 'joint custody' for benefit purposes. The arrangement you are describing where the parent with care has the children 4 days a week and the NRP 3 days a week is dealt with by adjusting the maintenance that the father pays, so he gets to keep some of that maintenance for the days he has the children. But your brother doesn't pay maintenance, so that option is not open to him. The benefits that are paid to his ex partner are for her to raise the children and provide a home for them. They are not intended to supplement his income, even if that is so that he can see his children. You may think that is unfair, but that is the way it is.

As for sharing the tax credits, the only way that could happen is if (say) she got cb for the two eldest and he got cb for the youngest. They would then each be eligible to claim child related benefits in their own right. But that is only likely to happen when both parents are able to work together for the benefit of the children and live close enough together for there to be a genuine shared care arrangement, which is not the case here.

And before you say it - yes I realise that is her 'fault' for moving so far away.

FBaby

teabag29 wrote: »

It was the 2 year olds clothes that didnt fit, a vest that came nowhere near buttoning up, bearly covered her belly yet she has plenty of clothes my brother saw to that so why she was sent like that I dont know. Anyway I gave the children £60 to treat themselves and my brother bought them some new clothes

Perfect, he just needs to make sure some are staying at his. Problem resolved.

FBaby

teabag29 wrote: »

I have tried to contact her via phone and text when she left, all nice texts nothing nasty to say that I thought moving away so suddenly was a brave decision and must have been hard, I wished her well and asked if I could visit and still be part of the kids lives but she wouldnt respond to me

Probably because deep inside, she knows you do think bad of her. She might even think your texts are full of hypocrisy, hence why better to stay away from it all. Just continue to be caring towards the kids. The bigger pressure she will feel under won't be from your brother, even less from you, but from the kids insisting they want to go and see their dad.

teabag29

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

There is no such thing as 'joint custody' for benefit purposes. The arrangement you are describing where the parent with care has the children 4 days a week and the NRP 3 days a week is dealt with by adjusting the maintenance that the father pays, so he gets to keep some of that maintenance for the days he has the children. But your brother doesn't pay maintenance, so that option is not open to him. The benefits that are paid to his ex partner are for her to raise the children and provide a home for them. They are not intended to supplement his income, even if that is so that he can see his children. You may think that is unfair, but that is the way it is.

As for sharing the tax credits, the only way that could happen is if (say) she got cb for the two eldest and he got cb for the youngest. They would then each be eligible to claim child related benefits in their own right. But that is only likely to happen when both parents are able to work together for the benefit of the children and live close enough together for there to be a genuine shared care arrangement, which is not the case here.

And before you say it - yes I realise that is her 'fault' for moving so far away.

I see, well not sure what arrangements in place but my husbands brother shares care of his 2 children with his ex and there is a court order in place that she has to split the child tax credits with him as he provides for them half the week, its a joint custody arrangement and they both claim income support