Is this underhand or what?

Valli

anxious_mum wrote: »

Valli - I'm sorry, maybe I didn't explain myself properly. Again: I do not have a problem with my in laws, I do not have a problem with my sons. The problem I have RIGHT NOW is a communication problem with my ex MIL. I have taken a lot of advice, and I have thrown a lot of 'advice' away.

I don't think you have a problem with them; but I think, possibly, they have 'accepted' you and maintained the relationship with you so as not to lose touch with your boys. Now your boys are grown they no longer need to be so close to you, perhaps.

And I speak as someone who was effectively in the same position as your DS. Not only was my mother not invited to stuff, but nor were we - and I'm talking weddings - weddings to which people with identical ranking (ie exactly the same relationship to the bride or groom) WERE invited. It depended on which aunt/uncle was in control.

It means I will have fewer funerals to attend;)

pollypenny

I think it's a shame that only part of the family is invited. Perhaps it's a problem of numbers. But surely both sons could be invited.

Auntie J will hardly be having a tete a tete with the gf if there are lots of others at the BBQ.

unholyangel

CH27 wrote: »

I just can't understand why you are so miffed over not being invited to a family event when you aren't part of that family.

Family doesnt have to be by blood or marriage imo.

But then break ups where everyone is best of friends afterwards are rare and its probably difficult for a lot of people to grasp fully unless they've been lucky enough to experience that rarity for themselves.

But I'm with the "call and ask" team. You could sit and wonder for the rest of your life and never know, the only way you're ever likely to find out is by asking. Just be prepared for an answer you might not like to hear (as a general rule of thumb when asking questions!).

LannieDuck

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I wouldn't if my Dad's sister(i.e my auntie) held a party why would she invite my sister and brother who are my mums kids through a differnert partner?

Ahh, I missed that the sons have different Dads. That makes more sense, thanks.

LannieDuck

securityguy wrote: »

Yeah, because getting involved in an argument because your adult offspring aren't both invited to parties won't make you look mad at all.

I think it's less odd to get upset that your sons aren't being treated equally than it is to be upset that your son has been invited to something with your ex's family and you haven't.

(Having said that, I hadn't realised that the ex wasn't also the younger son's Dad.)

KxMx

anxious_mum wrote: »

<snip>, but sincerely, we are a close family. I say family, even though strictly speaking, we're not really anymore, as I've been a single mum since my youngest was 3 months and he is now 18 so, in law, any actual proper stuff was written off when me and my ex were divorced in 1996.

But, we have all worked really hard to make sure that we kept those 'family' ties going, through everything. My ex is one of my best friends, as is his wife, they have been married for a long time now, and my boys and me have a lovely relationship with her.
<snip>

I don't think it has been said that they have different dad's- OP mentions being a single parent since youngest was 3 months, in 1996, and that youngest is now 18, all suggests to me the same Dad.

onlyroz

Valli wrote: »

And I speak as someone who was effectively in the same position as your DS. Not only was my mother not invited to stuff, but nor were we - and I'm talking weddings - weddings to which people with identical ranking (ie exactly the same relationship to the bride or groom) WERE invited. It depended on which aunt/uncle was in control.

I find the concept of "ranking" family members to be truly bizarre. What is wrong with inviting whoever you want to an event, rather than inviting people out of a sense of obligation? It wouldn't cross my mind to think "well I've invited X and so I must also invite Y because they are the same rank in the family"

meritaten

onlyroz wrote: »

I find the concept of "ranking" family members to be truly bizarre. What is wrong with inviting whoever you want to an event, rather than inviting people out of a sense of obligation? It wouldn't cross my mind to think "well I've invited X and so I must also invite Y because they are the same rank in the family"

then you haven't really organised a wedding! its a nightmare - you get mum saying you have to invite Great Aunt soandso - but you cant invite uncle whatsit cos cousin whatsisface will deck him!
my own sons wedding a fortnight ago - it took ages to work out the table arrangements! to avoid fights!
and yes, they did upset people who weren't invited - but they took the stance that only people involved in their lives were invited!
they also upset some people by inviting others - but they were kept well apart!

Valli

onlyroz wrote: »

I find the concept of "ranking" family members to be truly bizarre. What is wrong with inviting whoever you want to an event, rather than inviting people out of a sense of obligation? It wouldn't cross my mind to think "well I've invited X and so I must also invite Y because they are the same rank in the family"

I used the word ranking to clarify that some people who were invited had exactly the same connection as others. Not only were we not invited, we were not even told that the wedding was taking place.

It was all deliberate; but not relevant to this thread. Had we been told, however, that they were keeping numbers low (for whatever reason) that would have been understood. And, given that we would have saved the cost of travel, plus hotels, plus cost of outfits, plus cost of gift etc we might well think we'd got off lightly! But to not even tell some of your cousins you're getting married when other cousins have been invited to attend? Rude - plain rude!

But, having had personal experience of the hurt caused when family members are deliberately snubbed I wouldn't be so crass as to leave someone out in future. If I couldn't afford to include them I would, at least, tell them.

onlyroz

meritaten wrote: »

then you haven't really organised a wedding! its a nightmare - you get mum saying you have to invite Great Aunt soandso - but you cant invite uncle whatsit cos cousin whatsisface will deck him!
my own sons wedding a fortnight ago - it took ages to work out the table arrangements! to avoid fights!
and yes, they did upset people who weren't invited - but they took the stance that only people involved in their lives were invited!
they also upset some people by inviting others - but they were kept well apart!

I have organised a wedding and I had plenty of arguments with my mum over who should be invited. She wanted to invite everyone and their dog, including her own childhood friends and second cousins I hadn't seen in years. My intention was for a shoe-string budget wedding (20 guests) with a larger party (50-100 guests) afterwards. As I was paying for it myself we did what we wanted - but there were numerous incidences of "wedding etiquette" that I apparently breached (daughters are meant to have in-bred knowledge of such things, or so I am told) the least of which was in daring to get married 200 miles from my home town.