Is this underhand or what?

anxious_mum

Thanks so much to everyone who bothered to answer, I really appreciate it. I know it's difficult to get a proper feeling for what's really happening just from reading a few words, but sincerely, we are a close family. I say family, even though strictly speaking, we're not really anymore, as I've been a single mum since my youngest was 3 months and he is now 18 so, in law, any actual proper stuff was written off when me and my ex were divorced in 1996.

But, we have all worked really hard to make sure that we kept those 'family' ties going, through everything. My ex is one of my best friends, as is his wife, they have been married for a long time now, and my boys and me have a lovely relationship with her.

My ex FIL has been more of a dad to me than my own father, and my ex MIL always goes on about how close we are. This is why it is so weird to me.

Someone posted 'They are the ex-inlaws.. I think you lost a right to be invited 17 years ago..' That just doesn't work for me. I don't think I have a right, not at all. I'm just a bit hurt that I haven't even been told.

Anyway, I take no comfort at all from the fact that my DS and his GF won't go without me, I just feel sorry that it has been handled this way. I haven't told my youngest son yet, I'll see what happens over the next few days.

I will certainly send a gift and a card to Auntie J. I'm still not sure how I will handle a phone call from MIL/FIL asking if they can come over and celebrate my son's birthday in a couple of week's time though. I don't have a naturally vindictive natire, but I'm tempted to tell them i've arranged something but they're not invited!

I WOULDN'T DO THAT THOUGH!

I'll be fine, I just feel a bit left out that's all. Thanks again.

Kayalana99

anxious_mum wrote: »

Thanks so much to everyone who bothered to answer, I really appreciate it. I know it's difficult to get a proper feeling for what's really happening just from reading a few words, but sincerely, we are a close family. I say family, even though strictly speaking, we're not really anymore, as I've been a single mum since my youngest was 3 months and he is now 18 so, in law, any actual proper stuff was written off when me and my ex were divorced in 1996.

But, we have all worked really hard to make sure that we kept those 'family' ties going, through everything. My ex is one of my best friends, as is his wife, they have been married for a long time now, and my boys and me have a lovely relationship with her.

My ex FIL has been more of a dad to me than my own father, and my ex MIL always goes on about how close we are. This is why it is so weird to me.

Someone posted 'They are the ex-inlaws.. I think you lost a right to be invited 17 years ago..' That just doesn't work for me. I don't think I have a right, not at all. I'm just a bit hurt that I haven't even been told.

Anyway, I take no comfort at all from the fact that my DS and his GF won't go without me, I just feel sorry that it has been handled this way. I haven't told my youngest son yet, I'll see what happens over the next few days.

I will certainly send a gift and a card to Auntie J. I'm still not sure how I will handle a phone call from MIL/FIL asking if they can come over and celebrate my son's birthday in a couple of week's time though. I don't have a naturally vindictive natire, but I'm tempted to tell them i've arranged something but they're not invited!

I WOULDN'T DO THAT THOUGH!

I'll be fine, I just feel a bit left out that's all. Thanks again.

Isn't this all at Auntie Js request or have i mis read?

Maybe the bottom line is although x MIL & FIL see you as thier daughter and you may admire Auntie J..she may have wished to celebrate her birthday 'with family' and just didn't see you as that...as really you aren't.


Its VERY easy to say they should of called me...but its really hard to pick up that phone and say Im really sorry but we dont want you thier on this occasion and your not invited ...it may be the cowards way out not to tell you but I think they were trying to spare your feelings and nothing more. (I am also guessing youngest child is not related to them as well hence not invited if its her guest list?)

I would be encouraging your son to go though..but if GF doesnt feel comfortable for first time thats up to her but personally think its something that has to me done meeting the family for first time ofc she isnt going to know anyone...I know you might say they make thier own decisions but if they realise you aren't upset and understand perhaps they would change thier mind anyway?

Funky_Bold_Ribena

anxious_mum wrote: »

I will certainly send a gift and a card to Auntie J. I'm still not sure how I will handle a phone call from MIL/FIL asking if they can come over and celebrate my son's birthday in a couple of week's time though. I don't have a naturally vindictive natire, but I'm tempted to tell them i've arranged something but they're not invited!

I WOULDN'T DO THAT THOUGH!

I'll be fine, I just feel a bit left out that's all. Thanks again.

You say 'oh, I assumed that now son is 18 you were arranging everything through him now - we have plans on the Saturday so if you want to arrange to see him on the Sunday then just let him know'.

sulkisu

I think you should tell your son and his girlfriend to go and enjoy themselves - they don't need to protest on your behalf.

pigpen

anxious_mum wrote: »

. I'm just a bit hurt that I haven't even been told. .

Maybe they don't think it is any of your business what they do in their birthdays.. harsh as that sounds I am sure there are many aspects of their life they don't check with you to see if it is acceptable..

As you said to your son.. you know nothing about it so how can you be speculating about what has actually been planned? You might be getting all offended over a totally innocent wanting to see her great-nephew and gf.. nothing wrong with that.

And if it is the aunts birthday the chances are the former MIL/FIL haven't been consulted about the plans as it is nothing to do with them either... she probably just said I want X to happen make it so!

If I got uppity every time I was not invited somewhere I'd never stop!! I'm last on everyones list if I feature at all.:D

anxious_mum

You're right kayalana99, I don't know what Auntie J has requested, knowing her she will want anyone and everyone there. I just have this feeling that MIL is being a bit underhand, she has always thought that my eldest DS shoots rainbows out of his bum, so the situation now is a bit difficult, I can't just ring up and ask why I'm not invited!

Anyway, I'm over it, it was a rant, you all did what I needed and gave me different angles to think through, that's why I love this forum so much. I might not like every answer, but hell, they all gave me something to think about!

I will encourage DS and his GF to go, I will send Auntie J a lovely gift and card, and I will deal with everything that comes afterwards! And I will, maybe, bit a little bit precious when she calls and asks to come over :-)

Poppy9

This is obviously eating away at you so perhaps you should ask MIL if younger son has done something to upset her or Auntie as he hasn't been invited. You could say quite pleasantly that you understand why you are not invited etc but you feel a bit odd about your younger son being excluded and you would hate to think he's upset someone.

Don't let this cause a rift though.

coolcait

anxious_mum wrote: »

...

... Auntie J is my ex mother-in-law's sister, and one of my fave people in the whole wide world, she is coming up to 87 this year. We don't spend a lot of time together, we live quite a long way apart, but when we do, it reminds me of how much I love and respect this lady. She has been to my house plenty of times, and I've been to hers too, but I appreciate she has her own children, grand children and great-grandchildren, some who I know, most who I don't know.

Auntie J has three generations of descendants. They may spend more time with her than you do. And - although she may also see you as 'one of [her] fave people in the whole wide world', it sounds as if she might have lots of 'fave people' on her list. But, she may not actually reciprocate your feelings.

So, DS tells me that his grannie (my ex mum in law) has called him on his mobile and invited him and his GF to a picnic in the park for Auntie J's birthday in a couple of weeks time.
...

Apparently, I'm not invited. His grannie only wants DS and his GF to go, not even my youngest DS, who also loves Auntie J dearly. Apparently, she wants to try to get to know the GF better, and this wouldn't happen if I was there :eek:

That is her prerogative. It is their prerogative to decide who to invite.

The first is that she appears to be going behind my back by not even telling me that this picnic has been arranged. This seems really underhand and nasty.

If you are organising an event, do you go through your address book and contact everyone you're not inviting? talking about 'going behind my back', 'underhand and nasty' is a massive over-reaction, IMO.

Second, why can't I go?

Because you're not invited. And they are not obliged to invite you.

Third, If it was only for the youngsters why isn't my youngest invited?

Is it only for the youngsters? If so, then it is only for the youngsters that they have chosen to invite. It happens with birthday parties at all ages.

Fourth, how can she explain it away to me, that she tried to arrange it and not let me know?

Why should she even be expected to 'explain it away'? She is not obliged to tell you about the events she organises; she is not obliged to invite you, and she is not obliged to discuss it with you.

Fifth, Am I such a meglomaniac that I completely take over every conversation to the exclusion of everyone else?

You are on your fifth point... On a fairly innoucuous non-issue for may people.

...

Now, though, she has completely shot herself in the foot. DS has said that he won't go without me,

Has she 'shot herself in the foot? Or has your reaction meant that your DS says he's not going? Who pulled the trigger here?

his GF doesn't know anyone there apart from DS and his grannie so she doesn't want to go without me,

and when she rings me next I feel I'm going to be a little bit 'off' with her.

Why on earth would you be a bit off with your son's GF? How is she culpable in all of this? She has said she doesn't want to go without you. she's all on your side. Yet, you 'feel you're going to be a little bit "off" with her'. That one sentence sums up how self-centred you appear.

I was very upset yesterday, when I found out. I'm still a bit miffed today, but I can live with it. What do you think? I feel like it will be a very long time before I invite her and her hubby to partake of my most excellent Sunday lunch. I feel really hurt and upset

I think you need to get over yourself, pin a smile on your face and encourage your DS and his GF to go to the picnic.

anxious_mum

Thanks, Poppy9, nothing would cause a rift. I might have sounded a bit gung ho from my first posts, but only cos I was a bit confused. I think we can sort this, if only I can leave the mad ax murderer's ax in the garage!

JOKE!

meritaten

a-mum - I don't think I am the only one seeing a great relationship going down the pan - because YOU wont pick up the phone and call! its eating at you, its causing you pain, now please pick up the phone and call exMIL and simply ASK why only your one son and his GF has been invited! I do understand why you are upset - all the more reason to clarify matters! and tbh - exes family need to know you wanted to be there! and not just miffed at being left out!