Is this underhand or what?

anxious_mum

Hi everyone, I haven't been on here for ages, due to one thing and another, but yesterday I got some news which was a bit distressing to me and who did I think of to ask for opinions? You lot!

So, although I've been divorced for years I still get on very well with my ex in-laws, and we have a really good relationship. I invite them to my house on average every 5-6 weeks for Sunday lunch, which gives us time to catch up, and they see their grand sons (if they're in, they're not children anymore).

Anyway....my eldest son (he will be 20 in two weeks) said to me yesterday 'what date is that BBQ for Auntie J mum, I need to see if H (his gf) is free'

So, I said, what BBQ?

Quick side note here, Auntie J is my ex mother-in-law's sister, and one of my fave people in the whole wide world, she is coming up to 87 this year. We don't spend a lot of time together, we live quite a long way apart, but when we do, it reminds me of how much I love and respect this lady. She has been to my house plenty of times, and I've been to hers too, but I appreciate she has her own children, grand children and great-grandchildren, some who I know, most who I don't know.

So, DS tells me that his grannie (my ex mum in law) has called him on his mobile and invited him and his GF to a picnic in the park for Auntie J's birthday in a couple of weeks time.

I said I didn't know anything about it, and he needed to call her back and get the full details. Which he did.

Apparently, I'm not invited. His grannie only wants DS and his GF to go, not even my youngest DS, who also loves Auntie J dearly. Apparently, she wants to try to get to know the GF better, and this wouldn't happen if I was there :eek:

I feel really hurt, on several counts. The first is that she appears to be going behind my back by not even telling me that this picnic has been arranged. This seems really underhand and nasty. Second, why can't I go? Third, If it was only for the youngsters why isn't my youngest invited? Fourth, how can she explain it away to me, that she tried to arrange it and not let me know? Fifth, Am I such a meglomaniac that I completely take over every conversation to the exclusion of everyone else? I don't think so. Especially when there will be loads of other people there for me to talk to!

If she had called me and said something like, 'I've arranged this thing for Auntie J and I would really like to spend the day with DGS and his GF' I would have understood more.

Now, though, she has completely shot herself in the foot. DS has said that he won't go without me, his GF doesn't know anyone there apart from DS and his grannie so she doesn't want to go without me, and when she rings me next I feel I'm going to be a little bit 'off' with her.

I was very upset yesterday, when I found out. I'm still a bit miffed today, but I can live with it. What do you think? I feel like it will be a very long time before I invite her and her hubby to partake of my most excellent Sunday lunch. I feel really hurt and upset

Tigsteroonie

Is your ex-husband going to be at the BBQ?

When the ex-in-laws come to your house, there's no conflict. If you attend an event within their family, could there be potential for conflict and bad feeling between you and your Ex, or you and other relatives who took his side?

anxious_mum

Absolutely no conflict anywhere. Me and the ex (and his wife) are the best of friends, we have been divorced for almost 17 years, we got over that bit years ago. My ex and his wife spent last christmas with me and our boys.

This is what is doing my head in, none of us have ever had any complications going on, not at all.

If my ex was going to be there, although he lives a three hour drive from us, he would want to know why I wasn't there. I'm clueless as to her motives.

voucher

that's life

unfortunately

securityguy

She can invite who she likes. There's a point at which families come as a package deal. Not when the children are 20.

shelley_crow

I'd turn up anyway with your eldest, gf and youngest. Just say your eldest asked you to go. Your kids get to see the family, family get to meet gf and you get to see auntie and watch MIL squirm. Win win!

whitewing

I find it a little odd that youngest DS was not invited, I don't find it that strange that you weren't.

I appreciate that you get on well with all of them and would love to see 'aunty' but find it weird that you are are so upset (that anyone dares to organise anything without consulting you??) I don't mean to be harsh.

meritaten

I agree it seems a bit underhand, but to be fair to someone you have always had a good relationship with in the past - isn't it possible she just didn't know how to tell you that YOU weren't invited? I think I would try and put that off as long as possible too. why not ring her and say you have heard about the picnic and frankly you feel hurt she didn't ring and explain why DS was invited but not the rest of you. There may be a reason we don't know about - hopefully she can mend matters.

anxious_mum

I like the way you're thinking shelley_crow! Not sure I could do it though. I haven't got such guts!

securityguy, I appreciate what you're saying, I fully understand that, but surely, if you have a close relationship, there are ways and means of doing things? Or do you just ride rough shod over everyone without a care for their feelings? I don't :-(

thorsoak

If Aunty will be 87 on her birthday, and is ex-MIL's sister, it means that ex-MIL must be around the same age ......and elderly ladies often have odd ideas about extended family .....just let it be!

Why don't you get No 1 Son and G/F to invite Aunty to another barbeque at your home, and then you and youngest DS get to chat to her without having to entertain ex MIL as well!

anxious_mum

You're not being harsh whitewing, I posted this to get other people's take on it. Maybe I'm being a bit too sensitive.

Yes, Meritaten, as usual you talk sense to me. I'm not going to call her though.

Thank you for your input, I just feel a bit let down. My DS did too, he wondered why it hadn't been done in a different way.