Is this underhand or what?

**professor~yaffle**

Have you spoken to Aunty J yourself? Maybe the message that's got back to you comes across worse than she actually intended.

anxious_mum

Yeah, MIL is 82. Maybe she's going a bit doolally, who knows. This behaviour is certainly out of character, that's for sure.

pigpen

They are the ex-inlaws.. I think you lost a right to be invited 17 years ago..

It is possible it isn't even her whole family being invited and DS got the wrong end of the stick.

No it isn't underhand.. they invited who she wanted there.. there is no rule you have to be invited or youngest DS either. I'd not invite you to anything ever again if you created a fuss about this tbh.. I might think it was you who were a little doolally The chances are it will be sarnies and a cup of tea in the garden and not last more than an hour anyway rather than a grandiose affair with the world and his dog invited.

If you want to see the aunt.. ring her and go see her with DS and his gf and if they choose not to go to this function then that is their prerogative and you and youngest DS have seen her.

I don't see what the dilemma is

bagpussbear

anxious_mum wrote: »

Apparently, I'm not invited. His grannie only wants DS and his GF to go, not even my youngest DS, who also loves Auntie J dearly. Apparently, she wants to try to get to know the GF better, and this wouldn't happen if I was there :eek:

I think your reason is really here - please don't mind me asking but do you talk a lot? or when you are in a social situation, sort of 'take over' the conversation or that people don't feel they can get a word in edgeways?

That's what immediately jumped out at me from that sentence in bold above.

As much as your mum in law loves you, she wants some proper conversation with the girlfriend to get to know her, and its up to her who she invites to the bbq or not.

don't mean to offend, genuinely asking

sassyblue

Difficult one, they have the right to ask who they want but by asking only one member out of your three family member is odd, especially as you all get on so well. Excluding people like that only makes for bad feeling l think, even if none was intended.

It seems to have sorted itself out now if DS won't go without you, so she's the one losing out, take comfort in that.

CustardAndPickles

If I understand you correctly, this is your ex-partner's family, specifically your ex-husband's aunt and your ex-husband's mother, who are having this get-together, and you're miffed you haven't been invited.

I'm sorry, I don't think you have any right to be. "Auntie J" might be one of your "fave people in the whole wide world", but you have not been invited. This might be deliberate, or it might be an accidental oversight, but either way, you aren't part of that family and haven't been for a long time - you have been a friend, or a person that has been kept in touch with. It is a difficult, and very modern, position to be in - you are no longer a member of the family but you would not have known the family if it wasn't for the failed marriage. Either way, it is their right to invite whoever and there is no point getting upset about it.

If you like "Auntie J" as much as you say you do, stay away from the party so as not to cause ructions and encourage the child who has been invited to go. "Auntie J" is old, she doesn't need melodramas and soap-opera shenanigans ruining her day. I appreciate you must be feeling hurt, but other than make a huge stink about it, theres nothing you can do.

lostinrates

I think its quite sweet. It sounds as if she's treating your son and his gf as a grown up couple in their own right and as independent 'grown ups' not something that the older generation are usually accused of doing.


But then, I'm not used to things where the whole family goes to everything....goodness....with DH's family we'd all have to live in halls to fit everyone in to everything, lol.

meritaten

anxious_mum wrote: »

You're not being harsh whitewing, I posted this to get other people's take on it. Maybe I'm being a bit too sensitive.

Yes, Meritaten, as usual you talk sense to me. I'm not going to call her though.

Thank you for your input, I just feel a bit let down. My DS did too, he wondered why it hadn't been done in a different way.

a-m, why not call? get the matter cleared up? as I said, there may be a reason (numbers catered for) or Aunty J just requested DSs presence not realising she may offend the rest of you - and you are blaming exMIL! give her a chance to explain hun!
It does sound as if you have had a wonderful relationship with the exes - that takes work and commitment - I very much doubt it happened by accident! and I bet for your childrens sake most of the work was done by you - don't let it all go to waste because of this.

Poppy9

Let it go and be glad your MIL invited your son and gf. Send a card and gift if that is the normal thing you do for their birthdays.

Sometimes it's nice to do things with just one or two people from your family, not them all.

I would often only buy a ticket for one sister for an event and not invite the other. I was closer to one sister but did things with them both. Sometimes all 3 of us sometimes just two of us. Neither got offended and we were all open about it.

If the younger son is upset tell him to ask Grannie outright why he isn't invited. He's an adult now and he needs to learn to handle these situations. If he isn't normally excluded then just a joking "grannie I'm offended I wasn't invited" with no malice will break the ice. He has voiced his feelings, she's had an opportunity to explain and everyone can move on.

FBaby

How long has your ex been with his new partner? Where in their relationship are they?

I'm in the same situation than you, I remained very close to my ex's parents and they have made it clear that they always will. From their perspective, they would love to have me and their son and new partner at any family gathering, however, the new partner would go ape if I was there. It is therefore always been a silent agreement that I wouldn't be invited and I totally accept the reason. They are expected to show respect for their son and new partner and if she has a real issue with me being there, which I can understand, then I accept that I am the one to step down.

Could it be that it is your ex who has asked his mum/auntie not to invite you because it would make his partner feel very uncomfortable? Maybe she even argued with him that it wasn't fair on you but he insisted? Yes, she could have called, but she probably didn't have a clue how to tell you, or didn't want to have to tell you that she doesn't agree with it, but felt pressured to.

I would let it go because ultimately, I think it is you who is wrong to have excepted differently. However, I don't understand at all why your youngest son would have been excluded. Any ideas at all?