Best way to deal with colleague making nasty personal comments?

[Deleted User]

You have to be careful with how you respond to this as situations like this can escalate and if you respond in the wrong way at the wrong moment, you could actually find YOU are in trouble with HR.., not her, however unfair this is.

You want the !!!!!y comments to stop. It IS difficult to work with. Personally I'd keep a diary.., for protection as well as in case of need if you want to take it further.

You do need to work out a way of verbally stopping the harrassment though.., ignoring her isn't working.

The suggestion of saying with angelic smile: "Do you feel better about yourself now that you said that?" portrays quite clearly that what she is saying is wrong, personal and unprofessional without giving her opportunity to retaliate and makes it clear you aren't bothered by what she said, in fact it leaves you in control. I doubt that speaking to her will do any good, and if she is insecure enough.., could lead to you being subject to harrassment claims. It could also lead to an argument, which would also be deconstructive.

FBaby

I would just ignore it. It sounds like you are well established in the group whereas she has some issues. She is not worth you either getting into trouble because she can turn things around and make it out that YOU are bullying her, or that your colleagues start feeling sorry for her and start turning against you.

If I were you, where she says something like that, I would ignore her presence totally, just turn around to another colleague and start a conversation with them. At the moment, she is succeeding in what she is trying to achieve which is to upset you. When she realises that it has no effect, she will stop (and probably start on someone else).

fozziebeartoo

Definitely dont "take her aside" to say anything......she needs to be tackled publicly, if thats how she insults you!!

Personally, I would question why she is interested in what you look like under your clothes.....???? Fat knees????

What a totally bizarre thing to say, under ANY circumstances.

Next time I would say (loudly and clearly) "why would you say something so rude to me"?

And wait for an answer......no actually, demand an answer!

Dont let her get away with it.

And dont let her make a joke of it.

Its not funny.

End of.

Btw I had something similar years ago when I was in my 20's and working with an older (rather odd) woman.

The comment that springs to mind (30 years later) is:-

Her "thats a nice dress"

Me "thank you, it was quite cheap (meaning in the sale)"

Her "yes, it looks it"

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

[Deleted User]

Hi,

just get straight to the point,

'Shut the f***, b***h!'

BugglyB

Whatever you do, don't have a quiet word. There are two possible outcomes to that:

1. she takes on board your comments and changes her attitude

2. she walks around telling anyone who will listen that 'so yeah bacardi66 was like, can I have a word, and then basically told me I'm a total !!!!!, and said that I screamed at her about her knees, why would I even do that, omg'

I know which I think is more likely.

I find just looking and blinking for a few minutes and then walking away helps.

FatVonD

I like the ideas about getting her to repeat it (repeatedly) and asking 'do you feel better now you've said that?' and I agree you should tackle her in public rather than privately for the exact reason mentioned above.

I worked with someone like twice in my career (same person, 2 different workplaces.) She comes across all ditsy while pointing out other people's failings as if she finds them endearing, 'oh, look at FatVonD in her bobbly tights' *giggle*, 'ooh, other workmate does do some funny things on her layouts, bless' *giggle*. She has perpetuated the story that I am intimidating for years 'ooh, nobody would say that to FatVonD, she's scary' *giggle*.

Things finally came to a head the last time we were working togeteher when there were rumours of redundancy and she openly spoke in the office about how it was *my* team's overspending bringing about redundancies in *her* team (we were the same level.) I was seething and went to pick some work up from the printer to find her holding it and she said to me 'ooh, you *do* use some funny colours' *giggle* so I just said 'how rude you are, do you ever hear me slagging off your work?' and she tiptoed around me ever since.

These people rely on you being embarrassed to confront them, once you have she'll back down.

Hezzawithkids

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

The same way to deal with every bully. Stop what you are doing, look slowly at your watch, draw out your diary, lick your pencil and write word for word what was said, who was there and any context. If she asks what you are doing, say that 'I have been advised to note down each and every incident' and say no more. If it gets worse you will have documented evidence and a whole list of witnesses.

LOVE this!! It would take a lot of poise and confidence to pull it off but what an impact!

OP - it's easy to think of witty retorts after the fact (we've all been there) but do you want to lower yourself to her level that way? I agree with others though that, if it does bother you that much (enough to post about it on here anyway) she shouldn't be allowed to get away with it. You can either trade insults with her or you can put a stop to her behaviour before it gets any worse. Your options appear to be (a) tell her to stop either privately or publicly (b) report her.

FatVonD

The upshot to my last post is that my team weren't made redundant and hers were, it seems that though mine spend more money we also make more money whereas hers spent little but made little.

I'm now in a position whereby I could give her work covering for me when I'm on holiday but I won't because I don't trust her.

Joons

See it depends on what you're like as a person, if that was me she'd have got blasted and believe me, she'd not talk to me again! Now I know this is not the way but honestly she's a bully and she's doing it cos she thinks you won't stand up to her, you should, or if not, tell a boss what she is doing and let them talk to her.

Even if you can have a quiet word between the two of you and keep it short like: I don't like the way you are having personal attacks at me in work, please stop it or I will be taking it further.

Guest101

Some really professional ways to deal with things here.

I prefer a different approach, next time its just you 2, and no wintesses etc. Simply say, with a smile: make another !!!!!y comment, and I will gladly knock your teeth out.

She'll go and report it straight away, witnesses will say she's been making comments to you for onths, nd you deny all knowledge, she gets disciplinary. oops