Best way to deal with colleague making nasty personal comments?

meritaten

bacardi66 wrote: »

I would love to know what other people think is the best way to deal with this, despite having worked full time since I was 18 and now being in my mid 40s it is something I have never had to suffer before.

I have worked in a large department for many years and have always got on well with my colleagues, socialised with them and made some very close friends who I see outside work, spend time with each other's families etc however I have recently started having trouble with another woman at work. I have always been friendly to her and have got on fine on a superficial level, however in the last few months she has started making nasty personal remarks to me in front of other people.

Things like, "Oh I bet you have got fat knees under your trousers" (which I actually don't have!) or "Oh dear your roots need doing" when I only got them done a week ago and so on. Ive been so taken aback that when she says these things that I have never replied but it is really getting to me, I would never make personal comments to someone whether I liked them or not. And she smiles while she says these things

I always think of cutting comebacks and witty retorts afterwards when its too late but would love to be able to say something which would just stop her as its beginning to get to me.

I have told a couple of my friends at work and they said to just ignore her as she does have personal problems but other people have personal problems without taking it out on their colleagues!

No, just ignoring her isn't working so you need to take this to your line manager. its upsetting you and its bullying behaviour - its not acceptable in todays workplace.
you need to keep a diary of what she says to you - exactly what is said and who is present on what date and time. keep this for as long you need to - a week a fortnight or a month. then take it to your line manager - and if they do nothing then go to human resources. this needs stopping!

balletshoes

OP you have already given us 2 good examples - so take this woman aside, and tell her that you don't appreciate personal remarks like those, and you'd like her to stop doing it.

Some people think they are being funny, think its all just banter, but she's overstepped your line, and you need to tell her she has.

I would not go to your line manager with this, until you have told the woman yourself that you want the personal comments to stop.

neverdespairgirl

If she says something like that again, I'd look at her and say, cooly, "why one earth do you think that is an appropriate and professional thing to say?" and then wait for an answer.

bacardi66

Thanks for the great replies - the fat mouth one did make me laugh!

I really don't want to go down the HR route if I can avoid it as I know that in my workplace people have found the procedure very stressful.

Next time it happens I will definitely take her aside and say I don't appreciate the nasty personal comments, I also like the idea of Kynthia's "that was rude" response at the time.

Im never normally lost for words but her rudeness really takes me aback, I think its the way she will suddenly come out with something nasty and say it with a smile, most often while Im talking to other colleagues and she happens to be nearby.

One of my lovely colleagues did speak up for me on the fat knees comment and said that I had great legs and what did she think she was talking about - so after that she has moved on to comments about my hair, my hips etc etc

I just have to keep telling myself that when people make nasty comments about other people it says more about them and their shortcomings than anything else.

kitrat

bacardi66 wrote: »

Thanks for the great replies - the fat mouth one did make me laugh!

I really don't want to go down the HR route if I can avoid it as I know that in my workplace people have found the procedure very stressful.

Next time it happens I will definitely take her aside and say I don't appreciate the nasty personal comments, I also like the idea of Kynthia's "that was rude" response at the time.

Im never normally lost for words but her rudeness really takes me aback, I think its the way she will suddenly come out with something nasty and say it with a smile, most often while Im talking to other colleagues and she happens to be nearby.

One of my lovely colleagues did speak up for me on the fat knees comment and said that I had great legs and what did she think she was talking about - so after that she has moved on to comments about my hair, my hips etc etc

I just have to keep telling myself that when people make nasty comments about other people it says more about them and their shortcomings than anything else.

She must be very insecure. Roughly how old is she? She sounds very immature.

Counting_Pennies_2

How about saying 'Oh you do make me laugh' and leave that hanging.

She will then contemplate what it is she is doing.

bacardi66

kitrat wrote: »

She must be very insecure. Roughly how old is she? She sounds very immature.

She has just turned 50

marisco_2

bacardi66 wrote: »

I have told a couple of my friends at work and they said to just ignore her as she does have personal problems

With some people you can have an adult to adult relationship with them. With others unfortunately you have to adopt the adult to child approach. Whatever your colleagues problems may be she is behaving this way to incite a reaction from you. She craves attention, whether it be good or bad. Don't allow her the satisfaction of giving her this or take on board any of her tactless comments.

Bare in mind that how people treat others is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves. Rise above it all and accept that no-one around you will be taking her seriously. She is making a show of herself and ultimately all she will achieve is to alienate herself from others. When your other colleagues hear her making these comments, they will be wondering when it is their turn next for such treatment, and be distancing themselves from her.

BitterAndTwisted

You need to practice a gasp/fast intake of breath/rolling of the eyes and a "Hey now!"or a "Yes, very funny" at home for a bit. People who make personal comments like that do not go unnoticed by other colleagues but you must not rise to the bate by giving back in the same fashion. Show her up for the nasty unprofessional cow she is and prove to other people that you are not out of the same mould.

Runnybabbit

Ah ! The office bully ! Report her - totally unacceptable that she's making you feel like this.

Maybe you can't change what she says to you, but you can change the way you react to her. Don't give her the satisfaction of letting her see she's getting to you, easier said that done I know, but I've been on the receiving end of this myself too. Whenever she makes a comment, scoff and say 'did someone speak'.

These people make my bloody boil ! .........