Real-life MMD: Pay for mum's hotel room or risk her absence at christening?

oldtrout

Christian families? Who'd ave em? Everyone should compromise surely?


Once again, how is this a MMD?

ifan.goch

I'm disappointed that so many people are assuming that the mother is being deliberately awkward. As an older person myself let me give you my perspective.

The mother is probably a pensioner possibly on a limited income. To attend the christening she will have to pay travel costs and if staying in a hotel there will be additional expenses for meals and other refreshments. She would also want to give a christening gift. She may have savings which the son assumes that she can use to pay for the hotel, however she may need those savings to use the interest as part of her income so any drawing would decrease her income permanently.

To those who have suggested that people travel hundreds of miles for day trips and can't understand why accommodation is necessary for either sets of parents, this may be the case for younger people but is more difficult for older people. I can only think that these people are assuming that everywhere is within daily traveling distance. My daughter lives in London which is 5 hours by car and 4 hours by train each way. I would not be able to manage that return trip in a day and still allow time to attend the christening and following festivities, and I am in reasonable health for my age. My son is about to move to Germany, which is totally out of the question for a day trip.

I fully agree that an older lone woman would not feel comfortable staying in a hotel. I've done that, and it's no fun sitting in a restaurant on your own, and even in the 21st Century lone women in bars are seen as fair game by men.

So taking all of this into account it may be that the mother is not being awkward at all, but is disappointed that she may be forced to miss the christening and the way she has expressed this has been mis-interpreted by the son.

I agree that the best solution is to offer a temporary bed in the lounge, or a bed with a friend or neighbour.

Murphybear

How about this for a different idea - if money is the real reason for not wanting to stay in a hotel, why not have all parties ie both sets of parents and their children contribute towards the cost. Hotels can be expensive but why not stay in a bed and breakfast? In most parts of the country you can get one for £30 so that would only be £10 per family. Travelodges tend to be in or near big cities and getting the £19 deal can be almost impossible, although £29 may be OK.

We don't know where the OP lives but if, like me, they are in a tourist area then B & Bs are in abundance.

jrb74

have i read a different post from most on here???

the OP stated that 'WE' have told the inlaws to stay and that it was only AFTER that his mother TOLD him to change things because she cant afford to pay for a hotel even though he knows she can . . . . HE posted this info and not his wife

if either my mother-in-law OR my mother felt they had the right to lay down the law in OUR house then i would reply in the same way as the OP's wife

so guess you know my response is to tell your mother sorry but it's too late to change any plans - after all she only has to spend sleep time at the hotel the rest can be spent with all the family

eve1_2

yes pay for your mums room.

freeasabird

MissMills81 wrote: »

I do not think this is about the money and I think it is more about you addressing your relationship with your mum.

It is clear that your mum feels slighted at not being able to stay at your home, however asking you retract an invitation and tell your in laws to go stay in a hotel is unreasonable and you said yourself that you think your mum is being difficult.

Your mum is only using money as a tool to force you to 'pick' her over the in laws and I don't believe you paying for a room for her will resolve the situation. I think your wife also knows this hence her 'like it or lump it' response.

Tell her that you do not have the money to pay for her room however she is welcome to sleep on the couch/on an air mattress etc and tell her that she can have the bed the next time her and the in laws come to stay and they can take it in turns.

Im sure your mum will find the money for a hotel if this is the only alternative.

I agree that the underlying issue is the relationship that you have with your mother. Exploring her reasons for her behaviour may give you a clue about the best way to deal with the situation.

I don't know if your mother is widowed or divorced but there is a 'couple culture' that often means the needs of a couple take precedence over a single person.

The assumption is that it's easier for the person who is alone to sort themselves out. The couple, particularly if they have young children are more or less guaranteed accommodation and the single person is supposed to bed down somewhere in the living room or make alternative arrangements.

When the offer to the in laws was made; did you think about: what if my mother wants to stay too?

Your mother cannot expect you to take back your offer to the in -laws and offering her space in the house; even if it means you have to give up your room; does that mean that both sets of parents are catered for.

Even if you're mother can afford a hotel. It's not exactly family friendly for her to excluded from all the interaction and some people don't feel comfortable being in a hotel on their own.

Does your mother drive? How does she get back to the hotel?

Of course your wife will naturally want ensure her parents are happy but her 'like it or lump it' attitude is counterproductive.

The bottom line is that you want your child to have a good relationship with both sets of parents.

Have a lovely christening.