Real-life MMD: Pay for mum's hotel room or risk her absence at christening?

luxor4t

MSE_Debs wrote: »

Money Moral Dilemma: Pay for mum's hotel room or risk her absence at christening?

We've told my wife's parents they can stay in our spare room for our son's christening next month, but my mum's now said she can't afford a hotel (not true) and to tell my in-laws to get one instead.
From this information I assume that your wife's parents are either travelling further, have less money or another valid reason for needing to stay in your house.
Tell mum it is too late, the invitation has been given and you yourself (don't dump on your wife) will not change it.

As she's being difficult, when I suggested to my wife we pay for her hotel, she refused,
This suggests some previous times when your mother has been 'difficult' - maybe just towards your wife and without your knowledge.

saying my mum can like it or lump it.
best way to deal with a manipulative person is to call their bluff. But ....

What should I do?

...buy an airbed/ offer the sofa and act yery "pleased" that you have solved the problem. If your mother doesn't like it, be very "disappointed".

Maybe this is just a blip, but make future decisions very carefully so that you and your wife act together.

From my personal experience of 31 years.

catkins

Sulevia wrote: »

If I was that Mum, how would I see it?

Sounds like I am on my own. Would I like to stay in a hotel by myself when the in-laws (plural) are staying in my son's and his wife's home? No, I would not. I'd rather sleep on their sofa. Or next door with the nice neighbours, to whom I would bring a lovely present to thank them for agreeing to put me up.

If I felt that un-welcomed, I'd probably rather not go to the christening than be there and feel awkward and lonely about it.

Just another perspective.

We don't know the reasons the in-laws have been offered the room though do we? Maybe they genuinely can't afford a hotel. Maybe the room was offered thinking MIL wouldn't want to stay with them? Maybe OP's wife doesn't get on with MIL and doesn't want her staying?

cats2012 wrote: »

Wow.I literally cannot believe some of these responses!! We recently got married and have an amazing relationship with both sets of in-laws, but yes if that situation had occurred for us and OH's Mum was being weird about it I probably would say something a bit snappy back in the heat of the moment - doesn't mean we're headed for divorce!!!

At the end of the day if you really only have space for one set you should say it's them this time and your Mum next time, and help her get a nearby hotel so she can still spend the day with you. Doesn't mean you have to pay for it though! If she is really struggling, I second the idea of a friend putting her up, or even could she put a tent in your garden?!

It's great that you get on with both sets of parents but lots of couples don't.

My MIL is a nasty vindictive !!!!!. FIL wasn't a lot better but he isn't around now.

My husband never got on with his parents. He had a horrible childhood and only really kept in contact with them once he left home because he felt he should. He gets on much better with my parents and would do anything for them.

MissMills81

I do not think this is about the money and I think it is more about you addressing your relationship with your mum.

It is clear that your mum feels slighted at not being able to stay at your home, however asking you retract an invitation and tell your in laws to go stay in a hotel is unreasonable and you said yourself that you think your mum is being difficult.

Your mum is only using money as a tool to force you to 'pick' her over the in laws and I don't believe you paying for a room for her will resolve the situation. I think your wife also knows this hence her 'like it or lump it' response.

Tell her that you do not have the money to pay for her room however she is welcome to sleep on the couch/on an air mattress etc and tell her that she can have the bed the next time her and the in laws come to stay and they can take it in turns.

Im sure your mum will find the money for a hotel if this is the only alternative.

Prothet_of_Doom

Do what my Parents did. They are born again, happy clappy born again Christians with attitude. They didn't have me christened. They said that I should make my own mind up when I got to the right age and then my mother cried when aged 13 I told them, "No way am I ever going to church again, but thank you for letting me make my own decisions"

So Cancel Cancel cancel,

BNT

Don't overthink it. With an unreasonable wife and a difficult mother whatever you do will be wrong.

Frankly, the best suggestion I have seen is to have your mother stay as well.

LittleMissAspie

From the wording I presume that the room was offered to Wife's Parents before the couple knew that Mum would need somewhere to stay, in which case first come first served and yes, Mum will have to like it or lump it. You can't barge your way into other people's arrangements like that, if it was so important for Mum to stay at the couple's house then she should have asked earlier. She didn't, so she'll have to take responsibility for her own arrangements.

Allswell

Eazy peazy, just give up your bed and sleep on setee. That should be an indicator of how well your wife and mum get on!

PeteW

!!!! that. She doesn't sound like someone I'd want there anyway.

oldnewhand

You may well have a good reason for not having both of your parents under your roof for any longer than the function; this was the case within our family. We managed never to need both parents to stop over at the same time. The only Christmas we had them both with us, one set stayed and left after lunch and the other set arrived for lunch and stayed on. I didn't enjoy it but we did well on the present front as each side tried to outdo the other! Families!
If this is the case maybe you have a good friend/neighbour other relative that would help you accomodate mother. I don't think you should go down the route of paying for a hotel or expecting her to either. You do need to ensure next time (if there is one) roles are reversed. We always had to make sure we visited them in turn - parents - worse than children!

mother_to_sons

Here we go again! Why does the woman in a relationship always have to get in first... for instance....to invite her mother to stay for an important family event? I have 2 sons who are both ruled by their wife/partner or who are just too bone idle or leave things to the last minute or are outfoxed by their better halves.
Your mum will definitely turn up for the christening no matter how badly you treat her!
My advice to all women, especially to your mother...do not rely on sons, build a good relationship with your daughter in laws, you will always be second fiddle to her parents, but not left out completely. Learn to bite your tongue and do not play games! Just pay for the hotel, even if you have to take out a second mortgage! I am feeling sore that my son can never seem to find time to visit me yet can travel further to see his girlfriend's family and has plenty of time for socialising with friends and work colleagues. Yet, I will bite my tongue and put up with his selfish behaviour to keep our relationship going. That's what mothers of sons have to do!