Age and driving

lostinrates

I am concerned about one of my parents driving.

Once a confident driver, if not perfect (who is?) they are now admitting fear of driving on unknown roads and making poor judgements which I fear are putting them and other road users at risk. Not the sort of driving a bit slowly thing, that's frustrating more than dangerous, but had to be yelled at to stop at a few junctions and then tried to turn right onto a roundabout :eek: my parent said this is never normally a problem just in my local town and now that they are older they avoid roads they are not familiar with. . This seems fundamentally unsafe to me, not just for them but to other road users.

They live near most facilities they need, but necessarily near all facilities They want, and sadly as I am not that close and not well myself I am unable to get over as often as they might like to ferry around (in fact I am not driving a lot at the moment as I am on a new drug and want to acclimatise)

I tried to broach the subject yesterday but obviously its not going to go down well with a cosmopolitan independent person. In fact I am certain they have become aware they are making poor driving decisions.


What would other people do or suggest to their parent/ or do themselves in my parent's position at this stage?

Brighton_belle

Well one way of looking at it is, what do you think you will have wished you had done if they kill someone?

maman

I've got no magic answers but it seems that keeping the subject high profile when appropriate is the best you can do. Unless there are any dementia issues then the decision has to come from them.

An elderly uncle of ours died earlier this year (aged 89) and discussions at the funeral suggested that he'd 'lost the will' increasingly from when he gave up his car. It was his decision but a really hard one.

thebaroness

I think this will become more of a problem as people live longer. It's certainly something I dealt with. With a family member (in their 80s) we wrote a letter to his doctor advising we were concerned about his eyesight deteriorating and the doctor then advised the family member he should stop driving. He took the doctor's advice but would not listen to family directly.

A friend of mine also had a grandmother who was in her 80s (lots of health problems) who was still driving around her local village. Sounds like your parent in that they were relying on knowing the area rather than being able to use their judgement for different situations. She was insistent that she was a good driver so they convinced her to take an hour with a driving school to be assessed. She was driving everywhere at 40mph regardless of speed limit or road conditions and when questioned admitted it was because she couldn't see the speedometer. That resulted in her licence being revoked.

I think there's got to be an element of tough love, you might feel like you're undermining them but that's much better then them injuring themselves or other people.

shelley_crow

I'm not sure on ages but don't older drivers have to retake their test now at a certain age?

Other than that, I'm not sure what to suggest. You can suggest to them that they aren't driving safely but obviously if they disagree I don't think there's much you can do.

I feel for you though, you're in such a difficult position.

Nicki

I sympathise. I have the same situation with my mother who unfortunately lives in an isolated village at least 5 miles away from the nearest shop of any kind. I don't even live in the same country so am not around to help with lifts.

I have suggested to her that she move somewhere closer to amenities and dropped very strong hints that her driving days are numbered but she out and out refuses to consider it. To the poster above, I can only offer her my advice and have no power to force her to stop driving, so no I won't feel personally responsible if she kills someone as that is not within MY power to prevent.

She doesn't have to retake her test by the way just have her doctor certify every few years she has no medical issues which would prevent her driving.

Brighton_belle

maman wrote: »

Unless there are any dementia issues then the decision has to come from them.

I'm not sure I agree with this - if you know for sure your elderly relative is unsafe on the road I don't think it should be left to just them to decide. It's certain much much better if it comes from them, but if they don't have the self awareness and honesty to do that... (and I do appreciate it is a huge loss, giving up driving)

shelley_crow wrote: »

I'm not sure on ages but don't older drivers have to retake their test now at a certain age?

No they don't - they can be asked to, but I don't know anyone who has and known several still driving ion their 80's.

It is a very difficult position to be in lostinrates:(

Pollycat

You mention 'one parent' driving.

What about the other parent?

Do they also drive?
If so, what do they think about their partner's driving?
Can't they take over the driving?

If the other partner can't drive, it may be that it's them putting pressure on the driver to continue.

This definitely was the case with my Mum & Dad, he seemed to be 'fed up' with driving but Mum went on at him to keep going.
Exactly the same thing is happening with Mum's sister & her husband.

The bit I find really worrying is this bit:

lostinrates wrote: »

In fact I am certain they have become aware they are making poor driving decisions.

It took my sister & I a good few hours to have a serious talk with both of them to make them understand that it's not just their safety at risk, it's other innocent people who may be on the roads (or even pavements) at the same time as them.

Once my Mum accepted that it really was time for Dad to stop driving, you could see the pressure lifting from him.

Hope you get it sorted, it's a real concern.

Brighton_belle

Nicki wrote: »

I can only offer her my advice and have no power to force her to stop driving, so no I won't feel personally responsible if she kills someone as that is not within MY power to prevent.

I agree with you - it's not your responsibility in this situation, if she kills someone, it's hers, because you have done what you feel you can.
I just don't want the OP to leave any stone unturned that she feels now she could try, so that she doesn't feel any burden if the worst happens. Guilt, even when it really isn't your fault has a funny way of knocking you for 6 when trauma happens.

I know if my father hadn't made the difficult, but right decision to give up when he did and had been the cause of a fatal accident, I know I may well have felt, I should have told him he was getting unsafe (even if he had then still ignored me, I would have felt I had been clear and tried).

The thing is, old age isn't a surprise is it? We know it's coming, so things like planning for if you have to stop driving, vis a vis where you choose to live can be thought about ahead of time.

I speak as someone who has experienced having to give up driving through ill health and at the time, thought that may be it forever. It is tough.

Dunroamin

Lots of elderly people realise their limitations and just run a car to tootle round their local area so, as long as this is what's happening normally, I don't see why this has to be a problem.

maman

Brighton_belle wrote: »

I'm not sure I agree with this - if you know for sure your elderly relative is unsafe on the road I don't think it should be left to just them to decide. It's certain much much better if it comes from them, but if they don't have the self awareness and honesty to do that... (and I do appreciate it is a huge loss, giving up driving)

No they don't - they can be asked to, but I don't know anyone who has and known several still driving ion their 80's.

It is a very difficult position to be in lostinrates:(

Surely, unless there's a medical intervention that declares them unfit to drive (and I did note one poster had approached the GP) and revokes the licence then all relatives can do is offer an opinion, not decide for them.