Boyfriend dumped me after buying house

Treevo

Soubrette wrote: »

She actually offered to pool their expenses and each pay 50/50. So technically yes she was asking him to pay half her rent but was also offering to pay half of his.

I personally don't consider that to be very fair as she earns more but it's not unusual for people to split expenses 50/50 even if they don't earn the same amount.

She refused to pay anything, despite living with him! When he asked for a contribution, she then tried to manipulate him so she would only have to pay a third, despite her earning much more than he does.

paulineb_2

Treevo wrote: »

It seems to me he didn't want her to move in officially (or maybe he did -and the OP misunderstood) but simply to pay towards his bills but didn't address what the OP was supposed to do with *her* stuff as there wasn't room for it at his.

Frankly all this is about communication -neither seem very good at it
Nothing about this relationship seems to say couple.. it's all his or hers.

Im stunned by some of the responses at how awful this womans partner is to be honest, on such little information.

You unofficially live with someone and I assume you sleep with them, but you wont officially live with someone and you are 27?

Good luck with finding a life partner then. You cant have it both ways, that's the bottom line.

Soubrette

Treevo wrote: »

She refused to pay anything, despite living with him! When he asked for a contribution, she then tried to manipulate him so she would only have to pay a third, despite her earning much more than he does.

Did he ask her to contribute before March? If not then saying she refused to pay anything is a bit of an overstatement. It would be more true to say that she didn't offer and he didn't ask.

FBaby

Except that when OP bought a new place (which I assume was at least as nice as ex's place?), he also didn't want to stay there.

Yes, but then it became her place rather than theirs.

paulineb_2

You know, if I was with someone for 4 years and thought my relationship was worth saving, Id be doing everything I could to save it.

As other people have said, its lack of communication thats brought them to this point.

sharpy2010

TPDE wrote: »

[FONT=&quot]Hello,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am writing here because I really need to talk to someone and I have no friends or family that I could talk to. I’m hoping that writing things down (and having a good cry while doing it) will help me clear my head and by posting it here, I feel like someone is listening. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I am 27 years old and I have a successful career. I have been wanting to buy my own place for years now and have been saving for a deposit since I was a teenager, and my offer on a property was accepted yesterday. I should be over the moon, but I'm not because my four-year relationship with my boyfriend has just ended, basically because I bought my own place. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I love him so much and I was so sure that he was the one I would spend the rest of my life with, that we would marry, we'd have children and grandchildren and grow old together. Now all of that has gone and it really, really hurts.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Some background info: my (now ex) boyfriend lives in a rented one-bedroom flat about two miles away from me. I live in a tiny tiny studio, so he barely visits as he hates my place. From November 2009 until March 2013 we basically lived together at his flat, with me keeping essentials at his flat and using mine as storage. I slept there pretty much every night, and we shared household chores e.g. cooking and washing up. I didn't pay any rent to him.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]In March he said he wanted me to pay nearly half the cost of his rent and bills, or I would have to move back to my own flat. It was my choice whether I maintained my flat or moved in with him properly. I didn't want to give up my flat because his flat is too small for the two of us so I'd need to use my flat as storage space (my flat is so cheap, using a storage company was in my opinion not really worth the hassle), I didn't want to change address and affect my credit rating for a mortgage application, and to be honest, I want to be traditional and get married before living together. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I said I couldn't pay that much as I had my own rent to pay on my flat, so I suggested we pool our costs together and make sure each pays half, which would have meant I would have to pay him a third of what he was asking, but he was not willing to compromise, so I had to move out. He refused to visit me at my place, so I was basically going to his flat about 5 nights a week and then driving back home, with occasional sleepovers.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Being back at my flat made me realise how much I hate it and gave me the motivation to hurry up and buy something so that I could move out. My boyfriend didn't want to buy with me and even if he did, I want to be married first before "properly" living together so I was ok with buying on my own. However I always consulted him on houses that I saw to make sure that he is happy and can see himself living there with me. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Two days ago we went to see the house that my offer has been accepted and he was very happy with it. It has everything that we both want and is ideal for if we have a baby in the future. We discussed how much I should offer etc and agreed that I would put an offer in the next day (i.e. yesterday), and he asked me to keep him posted all day of progress. However yesterday (the day I made the offer), he barely spoke to me, and when I told him my offer had been accepted, all I got literally was "ok". No congratulations, no joy or excitement, no questions about what next steps are or any sign of interest, just nothing. Since then, he's been giving me the silent treatment.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]This evening he asked me how I see our relationship working day to day once I moved into my house (which is a 3 minute drive from his flat). I said that now I have a bigger place he can come and visit me rather than the visits being one-sided. His response was that he didn't want to do that because he wanted to spend time in his flat that he pays for, where he has his own TV and Xbox, that it feels like a long-distance relationship because we are not living together and that he is therefore ending it. He doesn't want to marry me, at least not until we have lived together for some time, and the time we lived together at his place doesn't count as living together because I didn't pay half the costs of his flat and get rid of mine.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I feel in some way that I deserve no sympathy as I have always known that he doesn't want to get married and only once we have lived together "properly", but I had always hoped that maybe one day it would change or he'd at least recognise that the first three years of our relationship were pretty much the same as living together.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I now have a lovely house that I have wanted for ages that would have been perfect for my ex and I to live together, but a day after having my offer accepted I have lost the most important thing in my life - my relationship with him. My heart feels like it is literally breaking.
[/FONT]

He sounds like an utter (ock and not worthy of your time. I'm sorry to be the bearer of this bad news.

Soubrette

sharpy2010 wrote: »

He sounds like an utter (ock and not worthy of your time. I'm sorry to be the bearer of this bad news.

Although I know it was his choice that they stay at his place, it was pretty nice of him to have her practically living at his place with no rent payable for the best part of three years so he isn't really an utter anything imo.

I agree with a point made earlier, basic communication seems lacking and a reluctance to compromise. He insists they live at his flat even though it's not big enough for both his and her stuff and the OP insists they have to married before they can live together even though they have practically lived together anyway.

They need to sit down and talk about their future. Perhaps the best compromise would be for them both to give up their rentals and rent somewhere bigger for an agreed length of time before getting married and buying somewhere together. However there are other choices equally as good that might suit them better but imo he really has to let go of his place and she really has to let go of the idea of being married before living together.

If these things are too important to each of them then maybe it's better if they split up and move on.

sharpy2010

Soubrette wrote: »

Although I know it was his choice that they stay at his place, it was pretty nice of him to have her practically living at his place with no rent payable for the best part of three years so he isn't really an utter anything imo.

I agree with a point made earlier, basic communication seems lacking and a reluctance to compromise. He insists they live at his flat even though it's not big enough for both his and her stuff and the OP insists they have to married before they can live together even though they have practically lived together anyway.

They need to sit down and talk about their future. Perhaps the best compromise would be for them both to give up their rentals and rent somewhere bigger for an agreed length of time before getting married and buying somewhere together. However there are other choices equally as good that might suit them better but imo he really has to let go of his place and she really has to let go of the idea of being married before living together.

If these things are too important to each of them then maybe it's better if they split up and move on.

To be honest, I think your advice was better than mine! :-)

shop-to-drop

They are no longer kids. They know what it's like to live together. It's clear the OP wants to move on to the next level soon for her that is getting married and having children. He either wants that or he doesn't. I read from the situation that he doesn't, he was stringing her along. If they rent somewhere together, she is compromising on her standards and also coasting along she may jeopardise ever settling down and having a family. Remember she is late twenties and he is mid thirties IMO they don't need more time to think about it.

To me she needs to be brave and start afresh. She sounds like a lovely person who has a lot to offer in a relationship and I'm sure will find the one for her in no time.

I'm really shocked by all those implying that she should give up on her ideas of marriage and family and home ownership and just rent with him.

Tigsteroonie

Soubrette wrote: »

it was pretty nice of him to have her practically living at his place with no rent payable for the best part of three years

It was pretty nice of her to keep going over to his place to try and maintain some semblance of a relationship when he would 'barely' visit her place because he 'hated it' and then, after the discussion about rent, he 'refused' to visit her there at all.

Perhaps she should have said goodbye to him at that point.