University Campus or Home?

Dunroamin

poet123 wrote: »

I have to say that as parents we really do have to take a deep breath and swallow our apprehension and not pass our misgivings or fears onto our kids.

Each time I have dropped my kids off at Uni I have been tearful, especially with the last one to go, as I saw that as he turned away from us he was emotional (and I would never have suspected that to be the case) but I gritted my teeth and walked away. It is a rite of passage, a stepping stone to adulthood, and just as we facilitate every other stage of development we should facilitate this. Smiling and assuring them all will be well, even if we sob all the way home.

Let her go, your other thread clearly showed how much you care, but caring is evidenced in ways other than keeping them close, although that is the easiest way. Much harder to put on a front, wave her off to new horizons and trust that your upbringing will out, and it will.

There is no harder time to be a parent than the first cutting of the apron strings, but it has to be done, and done with a smile and a cheery wave, and with them knowing that whatever they face, if it ever gets to be too much, they need only call and you will drop everything and get to them.

That you are the backstop, but that it is their turn to go into bat.

Did you ever see a Jack Rosenthal TV play called "Eskimo Day", starring Maureen Lipman? It was only the interview day for Cambridge but it encapsulated much of what you've written here.

silverwhistle

Well, maybe it's changed since my days at uni. As it happens I didn't have either sex or illegal drugs when I was there, but I wouldn't have missed the experience. Although inveterately shy I managed to improve slightly and engage in lots of different ways, and started with sports that I still play as a veteran. In any case, the few people I knew in my home town all disappeared anyway. Although I returned afterwards to my parents for a period as a result of working nearby, it would have been a different matter if I'd never been away.

poet123

stebiz wrote: »

I think a few are missing a few points though.

(i) The University which has the course she wants to do is within walking distance.
(ii) She feels she isn't quite ready to move out.
(iii) She could save up a huge amount of money towards a house with very little effort.

Alternatively she can

(i) Add another 21k ish to her debt
(ii) Live away from home when she'd rather not

Then of course it has to be thought about.

Honestly, are you not giving emphasis to those things you see as "negatives" and pushing those you see as "positives"?

The course she wants to do cannot only be offered at the Uni within walking distance.

No one really feels ready to move out, it is a leap into the unknown. I have no doubt that had I covertly tried to influence my sons into studying closer to home and even living at at home, they would have given it serious thought.

Uni debt is a strange thing, to us oldies it is an anathema, but we come to it from a different perspective. It should not factor into a life enhancing option.

If she stays home now, what if when she graduates the only job she can find is 300 miles away? What a shock to the system that will be, and will you dissuade her then? Will you say find a job closer to home?

It is hard but she needs to make up her own mind, for the right reasons and from what you have said on here and previously she will know how you feel and will be factoring that into her decisions.

I am sorry to say this, but it feels akin to emotional blackmail to put so many issues in the way of what should be an exciting chapter of her life.

Dunroamin

stebiz wrote: »

I wouldn't charge her as she wouldn't be earning. I'd advise her on saving but like you say it is her money.

Sorry, I'm confused.

If she isn't going to be earning and isn't going to take out the maintenance loan, what money exactly will she be saving? Even if you're a low income family and she gets the maintenance grant, she'll need that to live on rather than save.

Wyre

stebiz wrote: »

So because he lives 320 miles away he's going to love it. But somebody who goes local won't. Are you serious?

Sounds like he didn't have a lot of choice.

I feel the need to ask how you came to this conclusion. Noone has said that someone near home would have a bad time, just that the decision should ENTIRELY the choice of the person it affects.

As I stated elsewhere my daughter could have gone to a nearer uni but she looked at ALL the courses doing the subject she wanted to study and chose the ones that had the better reputation for the subject.

We did alot of research regarding uni's, grants, loans, bursaries as well as the types of halls offered. She fully understands how long and how much she will be paying back over time and it was a choice she made.

Let your daughter fly, give her her wings and she will come back to you for love and support, tie her to you and you could find that you lose her forever.

ska_lover

stebiz wrote: »

Okay my eldest daughter is getting to that stage where next year she is planning to go to University.

She is a great girl to have around and doesn't really give us any trouble and never has (Thank God).

Her initial course will be 3 years, then another year after that and possibly further study after that.

The University she has chosen is our local one. It is one of the main red brick ones and she is very happy with it. In the meantime others in her year are either starting work or travelling to Uni's all over the place.

If she lived in local digs this would add over 7k a year to her debt - or she would need to find a job (less fun and study time). A thought that has crossed all our minds is that she stayed at home and either pay off some of her debts - potentially leaving Uni with no debt or to spend some on herself.

I went to Uni but never lived in student accommodation. To be honest all my friends who have been to Uni or have good jobs never left to move in digs.

Do you think the experience would be just as memorable leaving with a good degree and no debt or leaving with a good degree, living in digs and also leaving with probably 40k of debt?? If she chooses to work as well she could even buy herself a car or save for a deposit on a house.

Thoughts please!

ps Secretly I'd love her to stay but I won't stand in her way for whatever she decides.

I am in the exact same position as you. My teenager has decided to move in to digs come september, despite only being 2 miles down the road

Inside I am screaming for him not to - but I shan't pressure him to do so. At least they are close by if they need a few extra groceries etc

Person_one

stebiz wrote: »

So because he lives 320 miles away he's going to love it. But somebody who goes local won't. Are you serious?

Sounds like he didn't have a lot of choice.

This is starting to sound a but like you're winding us up now.

securityguy

stebiz wrote: »

I will however, as any responsible parent would do, advise her of what debt she will be leaving with and the alternatives.

Mister Gradgrind would be proud.

stebiz

Dunroamin wrote: »

Sorry, I'm confused.

If she isn't going to be earning and isn't going to take out the maintenance loan, what money exactly will she be saving? Even if you're a low income family and she gets the maintenance grant, she'll need that to live on rather than save.

As my wife does not work she will be eligible for approx 7k which she could save. She is looking for a small local job which she could live off, bearing in mind she won't have to pay for rent or food.

Rain_Shadow

stebiz wrote: »

So because he lives 320 miles away he's going to love it. But somebody who goes local won't. Are you serious?

Sounds like he didn't have a lot of choice.

Nah. He loves it (been there a year) because he's been brought up to be independent and to appreciate that university is an unrepeatable opportunity. And he knew that his distance from home wasn't an issue for us or him.

Nothing particularly wrong with local except if it results in 'living at home' or coming home every weekend. That detracts enormously from the university experience.

And tbh it sounds like you are the parent trying to restrict choice not me.