Irritated; grumpy, always moaning ...

alias*alibi

It's a mixture of all sorts that affecting stress levels; I have deep routed anxiety which doesn't help to be fair which has been in existence long before my OH's affair. If i sound like a victim or woe is me its because that's selfishly how I do feel. I try to be the best I can at things but all I get in return is slapped down or false hope. I'm 41, whether this is a midlife crisis I don't know but I do worry that life is slipping through my fingers and I can't get a handle on it. Sometimes I feel like a bystander watching life from the periphery.

I've been asked when I'm returning to work. This is only my 3rd day of being signed off for a week so here I am stressing about that. There's no let-up.

paulineb_2

They should not be pressuring you to get back to work if you have been signed off. Dont answer the phone to them and dont email them. All you need to do is follow the company policy for reporting absence.

It does happen. I had an ex employer hound me when I was off with work related stress and a fractured wrist. I got phone calls, letters. It doesnt help your stress. If your GP thinks you arent fit to work they should respect that or ask for a company doctor to see you although that only tends to happen after a few months of being off.

Speaking as someone who suffered for a long time with work related stress, nothing about my personal life caused the stress, it was purely work related and a lot of employers try to pass the buck by saying it must be you and personal reasons.

Yes there are people who go off with stress when theres nothing wrong, but when you've been ill with stress due to lack of support from management and horrible working conditions, its awful to have the blame passed back onto you. Its hard enough and sometimes GPs dont understand it either. Ive also worked as a manager and when one of my team was clearly suffering with stress (she had previously quite severe mental health issues), I did everything I could to support her in the workplace.

Id give the counselling a go even though you believe the issues are all caused by management, the more you can do to manage your own stress the better.

paulineb_2

And dare I say it, in the long term look for another job, no job is worth your health breaking down and I speak from experience on that one.

FBaby

Sometimes I feel like a bystander watching life from the periphery.

And that's how you feel when you feel you have lost control of your life. You now found your work life dependent on what your superior decide for you and dependent on your husband at home who is imposing his own errors on your life.

The only way to break the circle is to turn things around so your life is what YOU make of it as much as possible. You are not happy with work, make a case for your position and stick to it with conviction, it doesn't work? Look for something else. At home, tell your husband that you have had to accept his affair and the child coming out of it, but that you also expect him to accept things that are important to you whatever there are.

If you are not happy with the way people treat you, don't wallop in disappointment expecting them to make changes, take hold of what you want and make the changes happen yourself.

vanessav

Alias, feelings 'like a bystander watching life from the periphery' is a very typical image for someone with depression. As if your mind is trying to make you disengage from life so that it can recover from all the stress.
If your husband has another child to support then of course the loss of household income will rankle. Not to mention the betrayal. I am not surprised it is eating away at you. While your husband rightly provides money for his child, he needs to do enough in other ways for you and daughter to rebalance your sense of fairness. If he does not do this then of course you will 'moan'. The subject should not be closed. It should be sorted out!
It does not sound as though his attitude is anything like helpful enough. Swearing at the young dog is a horrible thing to do. Surely he did he should be bending over backwards to make the home harmonious?
Take the time off work and see if you get a feeling for what you really want. If something has to give, think carefully about whether it really is your job, as you could be projecting some of your unhappiness onto work. Also if your boss thinks that you are too much trouble to have around, they will try various tactics to make you resign. So don't play into their hands! Take the time off that your health needs and don't feel guilty. I would advise that you don't complain about job, your salary etc at this point, just say that you want to continue bringing your experience and skills to the role, but you need help managing the stress that naturally arises when the tasks out-weigh the time that you have to do them in.

Rottensocks

I think it is a very tall order to take back a partner after an affair, accept that they had a child from the affair, accept that a significant proprtion of their wage is lost each month because of the affair, and to accept that 'evidence' of the affair (in the form of a child) is constantly around the corner, for life. I think anyone would find it hard to take all this on board without feeling pernickety! For me, I'm afraid I think it would be a deal breaker, because I don't think I could ever put a smile on my face about such wholesale betrayal and stupidity.

Maybe you're dissatisfied because ultimately, your partner has been soo stupid, and you are confronted with the consequences of that, to the extent that you can't respect him again?

Rottensocks

As for the work thing..... I manage people with kids, and people without, all in one team: sometimes having to pick up the kids does get misconstrued by others as not being willing to got the extra mile for work. Its something that bosses should be very aware of because it's lazy management to assume that those working late are those with the most positive attitude: Often, those working late are avoiding going home for reasons of their own, or are not great at managing their own workload, or are trying to clock up some flex time for that day out they have planned etc etc.

Perhaps you need to look at how you phrase things to your boss? Saying you "have no desire" to work extra doesn't sound great to be honest, and while I understand that "family comes first" that's never going to play well if you say it to your boss!

I think you have some grounds for complaining about some aspects of the way you are treated at work, but in all honesty, if you are underpaid and don't enjoy the company there anyway, you might as well save all that energy for looking for better jobs!

belfastgirl23

It sounds like you feel that nothing in your life is within your control. Your OH has caused you huge pain and also money problems, and you have no influence at work.

I think you need to take on something for you, something that is under your control, and just do it. Personally I think it should be something active because exercise of any sort (even walking, in fact I'd say especially walking) brings its own reward. Make a commitment to yourself and stick to it. I know it sounds deceptively simple, but making a commitment to yourself and keeping it is a way of taking control and of prioritising yourself and your own needs. Even if its just 15 min a day.

Also each night try to think of one thing you want to accomplish the next day. It might be something really small but again it's about having a habit of committing to yourself and following through.

You might think that something so small can't make a difference, all I can say is that this type of starting small made a huge difference to me. It built my confidence so that gradually I was able to try bigger and bigger things. And even in the darkest moments I could see a bit of light somewhere.

Why not give it a try? It's free and it can't do any harm

dancingfairy

Firstly with regards to the job, it sounds like they don't want to give you a payrise for whatever reason. This means that you'll either have to try and detach yourself from it, do your best and go home and focus on other things and accept that that's how it is for now or you look for another job, that will welcome your skills and reward you appropriately. Generally in the grand scheme of things 5k is not that much more, yes I can totally understand why it would upset you but it is not a promotion level above you or anything, a lot of it could easily be eaten up by travelling or a higher rent etc. Is it just about the money? what I mean is, you could get an extra 5k in another job and be miserable still.
someonelse said that maybe your misery at home is spilling over into your work, and if it is then who could blame you? this however may be a reason why they don't want to give you a pay rise, sometimes it's about attitude rather than ability
in terms of your husband, what is he giving you? really? is he supportive? your post mentions how he's a good dad etc etc and is helping more around the house, but is that what you want? is that enough? are you settling for second best? you can both be good parents but live independently of each other. 2 years is a long time for it still to be causing issues, i can understand a marriage having tough patches but how long is this issue going to drag on for? it sounds like you may both need counselling to sort out this issue so you can move forward.
what do you want? maybe it's time to put yourself first.
I agree with the posters who said you should do something for you, join a zumba class or take up badminton or join a running club, anything that gets you out and about meeting people will really help, especially if you base it on exercise, even if that is the thing you want to do least in the world.
put yourself first.
df

prowla

Yes - do something for you.

Maybe also spend some time going for a walk in the fresh air on a weekend.

The child support is an unbreakable commitment, so there is no value in thinking about it; it's what 10-15% of your take-home pay, so it's not putting you on the bread line.

If you let it eat away at you, it will!

Don't let it.